I have been accumulating Plan B’s.
No, not the morning after pill. Actual Plan B’s.
For if this next round doesn’t work.
Not that I want to think about it not working. Quite the opposite in fact. Thinking about it not working makes my stomach churn and the tears rise to the surface. But…
It might not work. And I have to accept that. I have to plan for it now. I have to prepare.
Because I’m afraid that if it doesn’t work; I will not be OK.
At that point, I will be out of money, out of embryos, and out of hope. I’m not saying I won’t be able to bounce back from that (because I do believe I can bounce back from anything), I’m just saying… it’s going to be hard.
And in that moment, lost in that darkness; it is going to be extremely difficult for me to think of the next move.
Thus, I have been accumulating Plan B’s. Things that I can put into place now, trusting in their ability to provide me a softer spot to land on should I fall later.
None of my Plan B’s could replace a baby. None could fully take away my pain over not being able to carry a child. And even if I could have all my Plan B’s work out together in exchange for this one cycle working; I wouldn’t take that deal.
But, they are things I could get excited about. Things that could get me moving towards a goal again. And things that may just have the ability to pull me out of the darkness should I find myself lost in it.
Thus, I present to you Plan B number one:
My audition tape to Big Brother.
You all thought I was joking when I brought this up way back when, didn’t you?!?
Well, the truth is; I was kind of joking. But then I started thinking about it, and really, how freaking cool would that be?!? I have watched this show since the beginning, and I’ve always been convinced I could win it!
And a $500,000 grand prize would come in awfully handy in terms of paying off my debts, starting with my grandmother who loaned me a massive chunk of my cycle costs. I want to pay her back. Desperately. And as soon as possible. If I can’t give her a great grandbaby, I at least want to make sure she isn’t the one who threw away money in the failed effort to conceive one.
So yes, I filled out the 13 page application form for Big Brother, and this weekend Loo and I taped my 2 minute audition tape.
You should keep in mind; I heavily played the infertility card. I should probably be ashamed, but I’m not. I figure shows like this prefer people with good stories, and if infertility is going to rob me of giving birth to a child; you had better believe I’m going to milk it for everything it’s worth in other arenas of my life.
Namely, the "reality TV show audition" arena.
Because there really aren’t any other benefits.
I also want to warn you that Loo and I get bored fast, and thus only 1 complete take of this was made. As such, you can literally see my nervousness in the beginning and me tripping over some of my words. That probably should have been my cue to do another take, but…
I didn’t really want to.
Can't you just tell how committed I am to this plan?!?
Also for the record; I realize this is now the second reality TV show audition tape I have shared here. I just want to make it clear that I am so not a fame hungry whore. I have no interest in gaining attention by making an idiot of myself on TV, but…
Once upon a time I did think I was in love with Jason Mesnick, so it seemed to be a worthy cause. And now; $500,000 is definitely a worthy cause.
Because you know, a girls got to do what a girls got to do.
So without further ado, here it is. My Big Brother debut:
Untitled from S.I.F. on Vimeo.
Seriously, why do all my videos have to pause on me looking stupid?
Also, yes, I did wink at the camera. No clue where that one came from.
I guess I'm just cool like that.
ADSPACE
