I bet you’re dying to know where this is going, huh?!?
Well, you know how I’ve been focused on Plan B’s? On finding ways to cope and deal now with another failed cycle should it occur in a month?
I know there are some who scoff at that way of thinking. People who believe I should be having only positive, happy thoughts right now. People who would argue that I shouldn’t even be entertaining the possibility that this next cycle might not work, because what if I’m jinxing myself.
Well I’ll tell you what; I was positive and sure and full of belief it was going to work last round, and when it didn’t I was knocked on my butt. Hard.
While I hope with everything inside of me that it will work this time, I learned in July that there are no guarantees. And with the odds cut in half for a frozen cycle, I realized a few weeks back that I needed to think about this realistically, because if I didn’t I would just be setting myself up for another one of those butt beatings.
And I’m not down for that.
So, I’ve been thinking about Plan B’s, and those Plan B’s have extended into my medical options as well. I know if this round fails that I am going to be devastated, and I further understand that I'm just not going to be in any position to make decisions at that point should I find myself there.
Because I’ll be honest, shortly after this last failed round I was considering turning it all in and calling it a day. I literally could not imagine putting myself through that heartache again, and so at that moment in time if someone had asked me, I might just have agreed to a full hysterectomy. Just to put my baby making years out of their misery for good.
And obviously, that would have been a mistake. The big H may very well be in my future (and truth be told, I've started thinking about it more and more lately in relation to my pain), but if and when I come to that place I want it to be because I am really and truly ready, not because I've been so washed over with grief that I can’t see straight.
Thus, I’ve been working on making my medical decisions now, should this round fail. Speaking to the people caring for me about what their next step would be if they were me.
Reassuring them that I want nothing in the world more than for this round to work, and that I'm still allowing myself to think as positively as possible, but that… I also need to come up with a plan should the worst happen.
Dr. OB/GYN spoke to me at length about this yesterday. We discussed the different options, and she let me know that she thinks my best bet would be to go back on a year course of Lupron and just suppress any further spreading as best as we can.
And the truth is, I was frustrated with that response. I love my doctor, but I hate that there is no solution somewhere between the birth control pill (which obviously hasn’t been working at all) and Lupron (which comes equipped with all kinds of fun side effects).
I have to be honest in admitting that my biggest qualms with Lupron all have to do with my own vanity. That last 6 month round I did, my hair was falling out, my skin was worse that it has ever been, and suddenly I swear I was growing a mustache. I felt ugly. And while I am usually a girl with a pretty high confidence level, let me just tell you that feeling that badly about myself did not suit me at all.
There was also the extreme exhaustion I dealt with while on it, and the headaches, but the truth is it was the side effects that everyone could see that I’m not sure I would want to put myself through again.
I know that makes me sound like a spoiled little girl, but it’s true. I’m young, I’m single, and most days I actually think I look pretty good. I don’t want to be stuck feeling like Quasimodo in a world where I’m supposed to be dating and finding my future partner.
And it was Teeny who I was whining to about all of this to today. Sharing my frustration over the fact that there doesn’t seem to be any middle ground. That I have to choose between pain, or feeling like a worthless (hideous) blob.
Neither of those options sounds fun to me.
That’s when Teeny started talking though. Revealing to me that she’s been doing a lot of research and accessing information from specialists in Seattle and Australia regarding how best to treat endometriosis naturally.
And, on this quest for information, she has come across a formula. A completely herbal formula that some endo patients have had success and found relief on.
She said it would be disgusting, and I would have to drink it 3 times a day, and that I would need to give it and only it a go for at least 3 months before really knowing if it was going to work or not, but…
If I’m at the point where I feel like I have nothing left to lose, then what do I really have to lose?
We discussed it for about 20 minutes, and in my desperation I realized that Teeny had me completely on board. I've never given the natural/herbal treatment a full 100% effort. There have always been things we’ve had to back off on because of the way it could interact with the Lupron, or my cycles. There has never been an opportunity to really try the natural approach completely, with no interruptions.
So maybe, if this cycle fails, now is the time to give it a go.
As I started to really come around to the idea and feel like my mind was made up though, Teeny pulled up the list of ingredients she would have to order for my special concoction. And she hesitantly pointed to one name on the list and asked me if I knew what it was.
I, of course, had no idea. It was some weird hippie name, how am I supposed to know what any of those things are?
Teeny paused, and bit her lip before saying “It’s flying squirrel poop.”
What the what?!?
(Courtesy of Google Images)
I started laughing. “You didn’t need to tell me that!” I shrieked. “I really kind of wish I didn’t know!”
“Well,” Teeny continued. “I’m honestly not sure what form it's going to come in. It might be pretty obvious, so I wanted you to know ahead of time.”
Wait a minute? You mean I’m going to be getting actual squirrel pellets in a bag? And I’m going to know exactly what they are as I mix them into this herbal concoction?
BLECH!
When I thought about it further though, I realized that this is still probably less traumatizing than the massive amounts of drugs I’ve put into my body up to this point. I determined that squirrel poop is likely far less toxic than what I’ve allowed myself to be injected with in the past.
I came to the conclusion that if this round doesn’t work, I will still give this special potion a try.
Because really, I don’t feel like I have anything left to lose anymore.
But then I said a silent prayer:
“Please God please, let this round work. Let me have a baby growing in my stomach a month from now, and help me to do whatever it takes to keep that nugget healthy.”
“Because seriously God, I do not want a life of mixing squirrel pellets into my tea.”
"I just think that might be more than I could take."
"Amen."
