Not Giving Up Yet

I prettied myself up in a big bad way this morning.

I don’t want to brag, but I even took a shower.

All in anticipation of seeing church boy again.

I pulled up to the church just before noon (running early again I might point out – it turns out that all it takes for me to get to church on time is a good looking man!) and immediately I spied his truck.

So of course, I intentionally parked right next to it.

I then sauntered into church quite confident. I had been talking about this all week, and one way or another – I was going to meet this man and learn his name.

I saw him almost right away, and I began walking that direction – planning to sit as near to him as possible without appearing weird.

But then, suddenly, I stopped in my tracks.

There was a girl sitting next to him!

A pretty girl. With long dark hair and far better fashion sense than I have.

I bet she doesn’t have to talk herself into showering on the weekends.

I sulked and sat in the aisle across from them. Still closer than I had been last week, mostly because changing course at that point would have appeared highly suspicious.

I can’t believe he has a girlfriend.

But then… I started watching them. Not in a creepy stalker way, but in an out of the corner of my eye way. And I have to be honest with you; I’m not sure they’re dating. They didn’t touch once during the entire sermon, and while they did talk to each other and were clearly there together, their body language just didn’t really scream couple.

Plus, I still caught him looking my way more than once.

So I’m not sure? Maybe it was his sister? Or a cousin? Or a friend? Or a girl he’s only gone out with once or twice?

I honestly don’t know, but I really don’t think it was his girlfriend.

And from my closer vantage point, I was able to ascertain for sure that he wasn’t wearing a ring.

Of course, any hope I had been harboring of approaching him and introducing myself before I had walked into the building dissipated quite quickly as soon as I spied her. I don’t care if she is just his sister, there is no way I'm approaching a guy who has a girl with him.

I just don’t have the balls for that kind of maneuver.

So instead, I stayed firmly planted in my chair attempting to determine what this means in the grand scheme of things. Trying to figure out just how big a wrench had been thrown into my hopes of happily ever after with this boy whose name I don’t even know.

And it was then that I spied my prayer partner from the bible study I completed at the beginning of the year. The prayer partner who confided in me early on into the study that she and her husband had started trying to get pregnant that month. The same one who then gleefully announced 2 weeks later that they had just found out all their trying had paid off.

Because it turns out there are people in this world who decide they want to get pregnant and actually succeed on the very first try.

Sometimes I have a really hard time liking those people.

I saw her though, and in her arms was a brand new baby. Itty bitty, just 3 weeks old, and perfect.

I swallowed my bitterness and went over and congratulated her. Gave her a hug and fawned over her perfect new son.

Hoped and prayed and pleaded that I could be in her shoes soon.

She and her husband had come to the service this morning (when they likely would have still preferred to be in bed loving this new little one) for the baby blessings. My church doesn’t do infant baptisms, but they do bless all the new babies every few months. And so as the service began, they and about 5 other families walked up to the front.

And I marveled at this scene. These loving families praying for their new additions. I pictured myself standing up there with two babies in my arms (I'm embarrassed to admit that I have already begun researching baby wearing options for twins). Praying for them to become strong followers of Christ and for me to be able to raise them in the best way possible; allowing the pastor to pray for them as well.

I do this often lately. Picture myself in scenarios with twins in my arms. I'm not sure if it's overconfidence, or a need to come to terms with the idea of two now so that it doesn't seem too overwhelming then. But I do it. I picture twins in every aspect of my life now. Build myself up and convince myself that I could do it, even on my own.

Today I got sad though. Every baby up there on the stage had a mother and a father. They had both loving them and guiding them on their path to Christ. I suddenly pictured myself standing on that stage by myself with no baby daddy by my side, and I have to admit… I got embarrassed.

I am strong in my decision, and all along I have felt God leading me on this path. I have known that I was meant to at the very least try, and it is rare that I ever feel the need to apologize for pursuing this path on my own. But today, for whatever reason, seeing all those daddies marveling over their children; I got sad. Not for me, but for my babies to be. For the one aspect I'm just not able to give them right now. I know I will be fine, and I know my babies will be fine as well. I know that even if their father hasn’t found us by the time they are born, he will find us eventually and we will be a happy and complete family.

But trying to get those words across as an entire congregation is eyeing me and wondering how I wound up with twins on my own?

The thought makes my stomach churn.

I’ve been thinking about it more and more though, and realizing that it doesn’t matter. That those who will be strong supporters in my children’s lives will never judge me or them for how they were brought into this world. Those who matter will always stand by us in that endeavor and will always understand the path I was called to. The solution I was driven to seek in the face of infertility.

And in reality, if my choice is to stand on that stage with my two babies and fight for them to be children of Christ with no man by my side, or to never have those infants to fight for at all?

I will choose even the harshest of judgments every time.

Because me and my babies? We will be just fine.

And all that matters now is getting them to stick next month and reminding them daily how much I love and want them. How capable I am of making this work for all of us. He committed I am to providing for them the best possible life.

And this is what I was thinking about for most of the sermon. My babies to be and the life I hope to provide for them. It was fitting, because the service was on preaching to the next generation and raising legacies that are strong in faith.

I want nothing more than to be able to do just that.

To be given the opportunity to be the best mother I can possibly be.

As the service came to an end, my attention turned back to church boy. I watched him and his lady friend and again found myself thinking that they couldn’t possibly be a couple. In fact, as soon as the pastor stopped speaking, he leaped out of his chair leaving her behind. Initially I started to think that they hadn’t even come together. That perhaps she was just another single admirer who had managed to get there earlier than I had and claimed a seat next to him.

But then she kind of followed after him. Slowly, and about 10 feet behind, as he approached another woman walking out by herself.

This one also beautiful.

I’ve got a crush on the church player.

Which makes sense really. I always have had impeccable taste in men.

I couldn’t exactly read that situation either, because as he spoke to this new girl the original lingered at a safe distance behind. The conversation only lasted about a minute (yes, I was totally a creepy lurker who took her time getting out of the building so she could assess what the heck the deal was with this man) and then he turned to the original girl and asked if she was ready to leave. So they did leave together, but even heading out to his truck (the one with my car parked right next to it) they weren’t really talking or walking side by side. He was a few steps ahead of her the entire time.

Whatever the story is there, I highly doubt she's his girlfriend.

And even if she is, he’s probably not a guy I would want to date anyway. Because seriously – there was no intimacy there at all!

I kind of figure I’m going to play this one by ear.

I have no idea if he is single and available, or even if he’s a guy worthy of dating or one who would be interested in me at all to begin with.

But I do know…

That I’m not giving up yet.