I have to admit, I had a hard time going to church this morning.
The pain kicked in pretty good around 1am last night, and hasn’t really subsided since. My stomach is swollen all the way up into my rib cage today, making it uncomfortable for me to eat or even take too deep a breath.
I am definitely over this.
My endometriosis doesn’t normally hit this extreme without my being on my period (which obviously I’m not), and for my whole stomach to be uncomfortable like this as a result hasn’t happened in a while.
I keep telling myself it’s just the hormones, but… I’m in pain. And bloated up like a balloon.
So getting up and getting ready to go to church this morning really wasn’t on my top list of things to do, except…
I really wanted to see if church boy was by himself this week.
That's right, I just admitted it. I went to church this morning for a boy. Almost entirely for a boy in fact.
And when I was pulling into the parking lot this morning and realized he was pulling in right in front of me, I almost (for half a second) thought that everything was about to work out perfectly!
That is until I got over excited and jumped out of my car way before him – leaving me walking into church by myself and cursing my own eagerness.
But, I found my seat and sat down – pleased to notice him saunter in moments later.
By himself!
I don’t know who that girl was last week, but I really do think this guy is single.
The sermon began, and again we caught each other’s eyes more than once. This is honestly getting a little ridiculous in fact. I definitely caught him looking my way multiple times.
A little more than half way through the sermon, I had to get up to go to the bathroom. Mostly because I had been sitting there uncomfortable and really needed to just get up and walk around for a second.
It was on my way back however, that I ran into him. Coming out of the main room at the same time I was getting ready to re-enter it. With his jacket and bible in hand – it was clear he was ducking out early.
And I smiled. I locked eyes with him, and I beamed. Thinking that running head on into each other in the hall was the perfect opportunity for us to officially meet.
Even convincing myself that his walking out just minutes after I had, possibly meant something.
And then it happened.
He met my eyes, saw my smile, and…
Looked away.
He didn’t even acknowledge me. He just walked right past me with his head down.
And I felt like an idiot.
Seriously. It would have been laughable. If it hadn’t happened to me.
I cannot figure this guy out. Maybe he was just surprised to see me in the hall and reacted out of complete awkwardness, or maybe I’ve been making up his stares for the last few weeks?
Heck, maybe he’s only been staring at me because I’ve been staring at him! Maybe seeing me in the hall, he for sure thought he had a Grade A stalker on his hands and got supremely uncomfortable.
It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been accused of stalking.
So for now, there really is no story to tell. He could have just been caught off guard running into me, or it’s possible he’s not interested at all.
But I’m pretty sure he’s not completely indifferent. Because let’s be real – someone who was indifferent would have at least smiled back!
With him gone though, I was able to focus on the message of the sermon. And the truth is, it was a message I desperately needed.
The entire sermon was based around the concept that God is faithful. That if we put all our faith in Him, He will provide.
Those of you who have been reading here for a while know that this is something I have long struggled with. I believe in God. I am a follower of Christ. I see myself as a faithful person.
Except when it comes to handing over control of my life. It’s then that my reflex turns into an iron grip on the details and I do not want to make any concessions.
Because I fool myself into thinking I am capable enough to handle it all.
Put it on my shoulders – I’ll figure it out.
Life doesn’t really work that way though, does it? I went into this last round believing that I could will the results of my choosing. Convinced that if I was positive enough, committed enough, and informed enough – I could manipulate the ending and walk away pregnant.
And we all know how that turned out.
I believed with all my heart that I would be pregnant last round. I believed so strongly, that I refused to acknowledge the possibility that it might not work. I refused to accept that I could even survive if it failed.
Yet here I am. Surviving.
This round, I feel like I’m in an entirely different place. Like for once, maybe I really am putting all my trust in God. Believing that He is faithful. That He will provide for me, one way or another.
Even if it’s not in the way I have hoped and prayed for.
I feel stronger this round. More convinced that even if it should fail, I will be OK.
I feel like I’ve come full circle.
And while I know another failed round will in many ways crush me, I also know that I will come out the other side. I know that something good will come out of it. That even if it takes me years to fully recover, I will one day look back on this part of my life and know that everything worked out in the end.
I’m not delusional enough to believe that another failure (truly my last failure, as I know I cannot put myself through this again – and that really is something I need to come to terms with now) will be easy to bounce back from, but lately… Lately I’ve been realizing that as hard as it will be, I will be fine.
That no matter what, I will survive.
God is faithful.
I’m trying to remember that. Trying to put full trust in him. Trying to lay it all at his feet and believe that he will give me a life more incredible than anything I could ever imagine.
God is faithful.
And one way or another, He will make me a mother.
Maybe if I get real lucky, he’ll also faithfully deliver me some information on church boy here soon too.
Because that boy and his coyness?
About to drive me crazy.
ADSPACE
