Wanna know a secret?
I’m single.
Big shocker there, right? I know you didn’t see that one coming.
Well, neither did I today when Dr. Headshrink decided she wanted to talk about my singledom.
For real lady?!? As if I don’t have enough on my plate? Now you want me dating?!?
OK, so it’s not like she was trying to set me up or force me to give the internet thing another try.
But she did want to discuss why I’m so opposed to the idea right now. And even further; why I’m still single to begin with.
And let me tell you what; those issues would take about 20 sessions to cover completely.
The why I’m still single part has a lot to do with my family and scars from my past. I like to think I’ve overcome many of those scars, but they did mold me into someone so fiercely independent that I was incapable of letting anyone in for a long time.
It is a constant battle that I am still struggling with, but I do like to believe I’ve made large strides and knocked plenty of my own walls down.
The why I’m so opposed to dating now part gets a bit trickier.
Basically because it comes down to the fact that I cannot fathom why any man would want to date me in my current situation.
And because I can’t fathom it, I immediately judge all those who would be OK with it.
I've actually been on plenty of dates in the past year. The problem is that most of them have either been bad dates (like, seriously bad dates – one guy I was set up was in his early 40’s, bald, 3 inches shorter than me, and he had the personality of a dead turtle), or I’m so anxious about telling them about my life that I just don’t. I don’t go on second dates in order to avoid that awkward scenario.
Even better is when they already know about my history (either through friends, or because I’m in a generous mood and running my mouth) and they’re still interested (which happens more than I would have thought). The scenario from that point forward basically goes like this:
“Wait. You’re actually interested in me? Sorry, but that’s my number one turn off. Yes, you heard that right. Someone showing interest in me right now turns me off. Because something MUST be wrong with you if you’re still interested in me.”
NEXT.
Hey, I never claimed to be a completely put together girl here.
Dr. Headshrink basically burst into laughter when I tried to explain this conundrum to her though.
Yes. My therapist laughed at me.
She pointed out how ridiculous it was that I would immediately lose interest in anyone who would ever even dare to feign an interest in me.
And I agree. On the outset; that is not the move of a cool, confident, put together girl.
But again – when did I ever claim to be put together?
Or cool for that matter?
I’ll go ahead and own confident though. Mostly because I’ve seen myself naked and I was not disappointed.
Back to the issue at hand: in the last year I have discovered that if a guy is interested in me even knowing what I’m going through, I suddenly lose all interest in him.
That’s probably not normal, is it?
Here’s the thing: I’m not entirely opposed to dating. My friends have been joking lately that it’s almost like I’m in heat when we go out. My eyes are darting all over the room, and I am continuously looking out for fresh meat.
The problem has now become that whenever I spy that fresh meat, I refuse to do anything about it. At all. I stare them down from across the room like a creepy creepy stalker, but I don’t take that next move.
Mostly because, what would the point be? At some point they’re going to find out what I’ve got on my plate right now, and they’re either going to totally blow me off (in which case; I would have to contemplate slashing their tires), or they’re still going to be down for getting to know me (in which case, I will probably determine that they must have some freaky physical anomaly that I just can’t see yet because it’s underneath their clothes.)
Either way; it’s not going to end with us dating.
So what’s the point?
The truth is, I have seen what having a child early on in a relationship can do to that relationship. I have seen how that pressure can eat away at all threads of a healthy connection and wear a couple down; turning them into two people who don’t even like each other.
So even if I met Mr. Right tomorrow, why would I want that? Why would I want to bring someone into my life now, knowing that I am either going to be devastated in 6 weeks (and really incapable of putting any attention on a new and budding relationship at all) or I am going to be pregnant and on a path that will inevitably introduce all levels of new stress on a brand new, and still unstable pairing.
Just because it worked for J. Lo, doesn’t mean it would work in real life.
And I think Dr. Headshrink understood that thought process, although her point to me was; when will it be the right time? When will I ever want to date again?
My answer to her was: When my babies are two. Then I’ll just be a single mother, like every other single mother in this world.
It would be easier to date as a single mother, than as a single mother to be.
Of course, that puts us about 3 years out. And 3 years is a long time.
I’ll be 30 for Pete's sake!
What it comes down to is, there are no easy answers. No right ways to do this.
I am single. For real. The promise of the ex is gone, and there are no new prospects on the horizon.
I am single.
And I can either bask in that and embrace it for the next however many years of my life (and let’s face it – at some point it's going to become almost impossible to let anyone new into my life, because I will have gotten just far too comfortable being single), or… I can take a leap. I can try. I can break down one more wall, and stop questioning why any man would ever be interested in me at this stage in my life.
I’m not sure I’m prepared for either of those options to be honest.
Dr. Headshrink reminded me that I need to remember that this part of my life is only one small piece of who I am. That it is just a slice of the pie, rather than the whole damn thing.
That it's possible someone could be interested enough in the rest, that they don't care so much about that one slice.
But it doesn’t feel like that. Right now, it feels like I live, breathe, and eat infertility. And endometriosis. And IVF. All of it… it feels like it’s the biggest piece of my life and who I am now.
She’s right though. It isn’t everything. And it isn’t all I have to offer.
So maybe I could meet her half way. Maybe I could stop sitting on the side of the room starring, and start having a conversation.
Not with the intention of dating per se, but with the expectation of bringing a few bricks down from that wall at a time. Of opening my life up to some new friendships at the very least.
With the understanding that maybe, those friendships could go somewhere some day.
Even if not today.
I hate it when Dr. Headshrink makes sense.
ADSPACE
