There is a girl sitting in Alaska as we speak who has some big decisions to make.
And that girl, is me.
I heard from my doctor’s office in Seattle around 10 a.m. this morning. They wanted to let me know that the current endometriomas likely wouldn’t have any effect at all on the success of my frozen egg transfer. From their end, there are no concerns moving forward with a November 11th transfer date.
But, Dr. RE did acknowledge the fact that I’m in pain right now, and that that pain likely isn’t going to be going anywhere. Thus, she left the decision up to me. She said I should discuss the pros and cons of another surgery with my doctor up here at my appointment on Monday, and then I need to make a decision based on what I can and cannot handle.
So the question becomes; can I cope with the pain level I’m at now, knowing that it may not subside at all without surgery. Pregnancy or no pregnancy.
You see, pregnancy hormones are actually very similar to what my hormone levels were at when I was on Lupron. Many women report relief from endometriosis while pregnant and breastfeeding, and for some it’s almost even like their bodies reset; they go on to live their lives without any more issues at all from endometriosis.
Now, most of these “cures” occur with women who have lesser forms of endometriosis, but it is still possible. It still happens.
And it happens because your hormone levels dip so low during pregnancy that the endometriosis has nothing to contribute to its continued growth.
However, what is already there doesn’t typically go away on its own. Endometriomas don’t usually just disappear without surgery.
At least, that has always been my understanding. (I just did a quick Google search too, and found this page which does state that endometriomas require surgery to be removed).
Most of you are probably thinking this is a no-brainer now. Just do the surgery and get it over with.
Right?
Except that, every time I have surgery I take the risk that they won’t be able to save something. That I could wake up with that one remaining tube gone, or one or both of my ovaries being removed as well. I fully trust my doctor who has performed my last two surgeries, and I know that she does everything in her power to save what she can – but it is still a massive fear of mine.
I like to believe that I have come to terms with the fact that I will never get pregnant naturally (and therefore no longer need that remaining damaged tube anyway), and that I will never again go through another fresh round of IVF – because I cannot handle it financially, mentally, or physically (and therefore I don’t really need my ovaries either); but saying those things and knowing them to be 100% true (beyond a shadow of a doubt, no going back), are two different things.
I am scared of hitting that point of no going back.
Not to mention the fact that I’m not even sure surgery could happen in time for me to do my Nov. 11th transfer anyway. According to Dr. RE, I would need to have surgery prior to starting the treatment drugs. This would mean I would need a surgery date prior to October 5th in order to be able to still transfer on my current date. I’m just not sure my doctor could accommodate that. My first surgery was actually bumped up and scheduled 3 days out because I had gotten so sick and was in so much pain I could no longer function, but my second surgery was scheduled almost a month out at the time (Nov. 11th of last year actually – how's that for ironic!) Getting a surgery date within the next 2 weeks may be next to impossible.
And, there's also the cost involved. Looking at where I'm at on out of pocket expenses with my insurance right now, I should count on surgery running me another $1500 before I capped out.
But, I keep coming back to my pain. I am not miserable right now. I am still fully functional. It isn’t really inhibiting my day to day life. But there is pain. A nervy, gnawing, uncomfortable pain in my low back that shoots down my hips (due likely in part to the endometrial tissue which has been found around my nerve endings in the past). And those endometriomas are causing random and sharp pains in my left side.
I am functional, but I am in pain. And getting to this point of pain all occurred within 2 months. Which means there is no telling how much more growth I could have in the next 2 months while waiting for my transfer; especially once I start on the hormones, which I am still convinced only encourage more growth.
Will I still be functional 2 months from now? Will it still be a pain I am willing to endure?
In the words of my nurse at SRM this morning “Endometriosis sucks. No one is thinking that you're making too big a deal out of this. It just sucks!”
I kind of love my nurse down there. She's the only person who has had to deal with me on a consistent basis, and she is always so patient with my panic attacks and freak outs… Seriously, some days I feel like the neurotic patient that no one should have to deal with because my questions are so numerous and fueled by Dr. Google that it isn’t even funny. But, she is always kind to me – no matter what.
And, she’s right. This sucks. Endometriosis sucks. And I’m just not sure what to do.
I’m hoping my decision will become clearer once I see my OBGYN on Monday, but until then… I’m trying to figure out what I can and can’t handle.
What would you do?
ADSPACE
