Sometimes I like to let my imagination run wild.
To pretend that I have this all under control. That I am a Warrior Princess (donning some seriously hot Warrior Princess duds) who has taken on endometriosis and infertility and is winning. Striking the pain away with ease and depositing small children into my womb without hesitation.
Of course, I’m not a Warrior Princess, and I have very little control; but sometimes I like to pretend.
My doctor was running late for my appointment today because she was busy delivering a baby. As I sat in my room awaiting her arrival (and the call to get naked – because there was just no way I was going to sit around under a paper blanket [been there, done that]!) I found myself thinking that I wanted the same treatment please.
Not that I want anyone having to wait around because of me of course.
But that I really would appreciate my doctor having to put everything else on hold while she delivers my baby.
Or babies.
When she arrived, we had the added bonus of most of her appointments being cleared for the rest of the day.
I was the only stubborn one who had insisted on waiting to be seen.
I didn’t care if that meant waiting an extra hour – I just knew I couldn’t go another night or two questioning what my next step would be.
Thankfully – she now had plenty of time to sit and ponder that next step with me.
And the conclusion we came to is that I'm going to bite the bullet and push forward; a November 11th transfer date without surgery first.
One of her concerns with surgery first was that it would mean more scar tissue and inflammation for my transfer. She also pointed out that while surgery would be good for reducing my pain, it’s not necessarily good for increasing my fertility. The more surgeries I have, the more ovarian tissue I lose.
And I’m not exactly sure I’m ready to lose anything more right now.
Having surgery now would only help the growth that’s currently there, and while endometriomas do not (and will not) go away on their own; I would still likely be looking at new growth 2 months from now anyway. So what would I do then? Another surgery?
When would it stop?
When would I have enough of being cut open?
She couldn’t make me any promises about where my pain is now or where it will be in two months, but the hope is that if I can get myself pregnant; most of the pain will at least subside during that 9 months of bliss as my little one grows inside of me.
So, I am biting the bullet. I am hoping that I have it in me to get through this next two months of pain; for the greater good. For my baby to be.
For the best chance possible of this working.
And in the meantime; I need to take care of myself. Do whatever I can to reduce stress and remain relaxed and calm.
Doctors orders.
I’m taking this to mean that I now have a prescription to indulge in massages and spa days; movie nights with the girls and days in bed with a good book.
Time for me. For two months. To remain as calm and rational and pain free as humanly possible.
Because I really am doing everything I can do, but I need to come to terms with the fact that I have no control too. That I cannot control this disease and I cannot control the outcome of this next round.
And neither can my doctor.
There were moments today when I felt like she was telling me there was nothing more she could do to help me. When I had to fight back the tears because I heard in her words realities I didn’t want to face.
That my case is extremely aggressive. That I likely don’t have much time left to make this dream come true. That I’m doing exactly what I should be doing by being equally aggressive back.
But that if this doesn’t work; it may be time to consider other options.
None of this was what I wanted to hear, but maybe it’s what I needed to hear. Maybe as the tears cleared I needed to face the reality that there isn’t really anything anyone can do anymore to give me additional hope.
Because this is officially out of everyone’s hands now.
There is no controlling it. No willing it into submission. No forcing the desired outcome.
There is no Warrior Princess.
There is only the truth. The truth that none of us have any control.
That it is all in God’s hands now.
And all I can do is pray.
ADSPACE
