I think most of us have actually. I mean, the woman is a nutbar. She's clearly delusional, irresponsible, and incapable of thinking even a little bit into the future.
And that doesn’t even begin take into account the bad name she's given to IVF and single mothers by choice.
Even my own grandmother asked me at one point (albeit jokingly) if I was going to become an Octomom.
It took everything I had in me not to hang up the phone on her – and we all know how much I adore my grandmother.
But that’s the first place peoples minds go now. Mention IVF and a single woman, and people automatically think “Octomom”. They immediately assume that I must be as big a nutbar as her, because that is the only point of reference they have for someone making these same decisions.
And for that reason (coupled with the fact that I have a hard time not hating people I deem to be bad parents anyway – especially those who’ve been blessed with 14 children); I have long loathed Octomom.
A conversation on the community got me thinking last night though, and I haven’t stopped thinking since.
Suddenly it dawned on me that if she did IVF, something was wrong with her.
That’s not something I would have realized 2 years ago. I had no idea how this process worked, and I didn’t have any clue that there were so many less expensive and less invasive options out there before you ever get to the point of IVF. I didn’t understand that single women had other ways of getting pregnant if they were perfectly healthy. That IVF was not the first thing you jumped to.
OK, so it was the first thing I jumped to, but that’s because I’m cool like that… Or because the damage to my insides in two years time was so severe that there simply were no other options.
Yeah, that’s right; it was one of those.
So in the realization that she likely had some form of infertility if she had used IVF in the first place, my heart actually started to soften towards her a bit.
Because that means; she was one of us. At one point in her life, she actually felt the fear that she may never carry a child.
And while I can’t comprehend any other decision she made past that point; the fear she must have felt is something I can relate to.
So I began to wonder; what was wrong with her? What drove her to this decision?
Did she have endometriosis? PCOS? Unexplained infertility?
And why do we never hear that part of the story?
The answer came from Linda this afternoon: Octomom had blocked tubes. IVF really had been the only way for her to get pregnant.
Which makes sense, doesn’t it? Knowing what we know, I think most of us can recognize that no one would go straight to IVF unless they had to.
So the rest of the story goes like this: Octomom inherits some money when a rich relative passes, and she decides to put that money towards her one life dream; becoming a mother. She goes through a fresh round of IVF and produces however many eggs. After fertilization with sperm from a known donor; she transfers some, and freezes the rest. Over the next few years, she goes back to those embryos and winds up having a total of 6 children.
Now some people would scoff at this, but… OK, who am I kidding?!? Even I scoff at it. As much as I would love a houseful of kids (and honestly – 6 sounds like a perfect number to me! Heck, I wouldn’t even hate if we bumped it up to 8, or 10, or 12!); with no husband, no job, and no means of providing for those kids; I wouldn’t even be contemplating having 1, let alone 6! Even now, with a good job and a way to support myself and those babies to be; I doubt I would have more than 2 without the husband. There is just a point there where you realize that it would be best to have that spouse by your side before going any further.
So yes, we can scoff at this single woman with no income and no apparent skills intentionally having 6 children.
But then she goes back for more, and most of us are left scratching our heads and screaming “Why?!?”
Here’s where it get’s tricky though: She had 6 embryos left in the big freeze, and only enough money remaining for one last round. I’ve heard her explain in interviews that she just couldn’t donate them, and she couldn’t destroy them. Now, I don’t necessarily understand that position. If I had leftover embryos and I knew I wasn’t likely in a position to give birth to anymore children; I would donate those leftovers in a heartbeat. Without question. After all, I already donated my eggs, so why would I even think twice about donating my embryos?
But I do get it. I know a lot of women who feel the same way. Women who are far more tied to genetics than I am, and who wouldn’t for a second be able to comfortably donate those embryos never knowing where “their” children had wound up.
It’s not an uncommon stance.
And you would think her refusal to destroy them would actually be lauded as the popular choice. After all, if people are so concerned about the possibility of IVF equating to murder (and let’s face it – there are lots of people [admittedly myself included] who view those embryos as the beginning stages of life, and who wouldn’t want to see them simply thrown away); didn’t she technically do the “right” thing in the eyes of many?
I find it almost amusing that the same people who would call her a murderer or look down on her for tossing those embryos, are likely the ones who also talk about what a freak she is for using them all.
If she was morally opposed to donating them, and equally morally opposed to destroying them; I’m not sure she had any other choice. I can’t see what she could have done beyond using them.
So that’s what she did. She transferred the final 6 in one shot.
Here’s the thing though; I know a lot of people believe she intentionally got pregnant with 8 babies because she wanted the attention. I’ll be honest; there was probably a point in my life when I actually believed that as well, before I had an understanding of what all was involved.
And how low the odds were that 6 frozen embryos could somehow become 8 healthy babies.
Let’s look at the facts here; frozen embryo transfers have, on average, a 30% chance of success.
30%.
Those aren’t great odds people.
And the chances of all the embryos implanting and two of them further splitting after the fact?
My guess is that you would have a better shot of being hit by lightening while on your way to collect your multi-million dollar lottery winnings.
When you think about the odds, you very quickly realize that this woman didn’t go into anything thinking she would end up finding herself carrying 8 infants. No one could have predicted this happening. Ever.
In fact, according to the odds; she would have been lucky to take home 2 or 3 infants.
Now, when you know her financial situation and how many mouths she had to feed at home already; 2 or 3 still seems a bit crazy.
But it’s far less horrific than the thought of a woman who intentionally got pregnant with 8 children for fame and fortune.
I don’t believe she intentionally did anything. I do think she has milked that quasi-celebrity for all it’s worth once the attention was on her, but I don’t think for one second she had any idea what she was getting herself into when it all began.
After all, if it were that easy; we would all be taking home babies.
This is a situation where you really have to look at her doctor. A doctor with a medical license who should have been capable of steering his patient away from this decision.
Because I am here to tell you (and Pepper pointed this out earlier as well); when you are sitting on that table preparing for transfer and looking at pictures of your embryos, everything you believed you would do up to that point goes out the window. The logical, thoughtful side of you disappears, and suddenly the fear of this not working combines with the love and adoration you already have for those embryos; and you stop thinking clearly. No matter what your plan was previously, you find yourself questioning the possibility of transferring more.
Even as a single woman who knows that her ability to care for multiple infants is likely compromised due to her lack of a partner.
Now, as the rational woman that I like to think I am; I was able to fight back that voice in my head telling me to just go ahead and transfer all 3 this last fresh round. Because deep down I knew that should those embryos beat all the odds and make it; I would be in way over my head.
But if you put someone who is already a little off into that same position?
You get a woman who chooses to transfer 6 embryos.
And on some level, I’m not sure how much I can fault her for that.
But you had better believe I fault her doctor. That man should lose his license for the choices he allowed her to make.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I still find the woman gratingly annoying. I think she is a total nutbar. I believe she has used those kids as her ticket to fame. And I also think she is under the impression that she's somehow entitled to assistance from the government and private donors for the rest of her life.
Plus, I really hate her stupid sticky uterus that actually seems to have mastered the ability to replicate embryos, while mine seemed intent on throwing one back.
Seriously. Who would have ever thought that woman would have a cooler uterus than me?
But I don’t necessarily hate her. And I don’t look down on her in the same way I once did.
After a day spent contemplating this woman who’s mental clarity I still question, I’ve actually found myself starting to look at her with a bit of understanding.
Because long before she was popping 8 babies out of that little body of hers;
She actually started out as one of us.
