At some point this afternoon (as I was sitting in my office staring at a blank computer screen and trying to get motivated) it hit me; I really am doing this again.
I mean; holy crap holy crap holy crap! I am doing this again.
One week from today I start injections again. In 6 weeks, I will be in Seattle again.
And in 2 months, I will once again find myself peeing on sticks hoping and praying for two pink lines.
I may or may not have had a tiny panic attack as this information truly sunk in.
Because it’s crazy, isn’t it? To put yourself through this for a second time? Only months after the first devastation?
It’s insane to set yourself up for almost guaranteed heartbreak on the 30% odds that you could have your dream come true this time (if you get really really lucky), right?
After all, isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results?
Now, don’t get me wrong; I’m starting to feel that excitement again as well. That hope, and belief; the butterflies that tell me everything could very well work out this time.
There is this part of me that is beginning once again down an optimistic path of surety that this WILL work, simply because it HAS to.
Because I cannot imagine any other way.
And I’ve discovered that I cannot move forward without that belief.
Which is good. Really and truly, it is. I want to be able to move forward with hope and optimism. I want to be able to trust in those 30% odds rather than dwelling on the 70% chance of heartbreak.
But still…
Am I seriously about to do this to myself again?
Seriously?
One more week, and then bring on the injections.
The mood swings and hot flashes and night sweats.
The nausea and bloating and exhaustion.
6 more weeks until my two ice babies get to be placed safely inside of me. Then comes the wait. The anxiety. The constant questioning of possible symptoms. The inability to sleep.
The longest wait of my life.
At least this time; I know exactly what to expect.
And while it just hit me that this truly is the path I’m about to take again.
All I can do is hope that this time around; the outcome catches me completely by surprise.
In the most amazing way possible.
ADSPACE
