Some days, it’s easy to convince myself that the biggest issue with endometriosis is infertility.
That I can deal with the rest of it. Take it all in stride. That nothing else really matters but the infertility.
And then the pain hits, and I remember; this disease is more than just infertility. This disease has ravaged my insides. I have scar tissue on organs that were never meant to have scar tissue.
Endometriosis is slowly breaking me down from the inside out.
And I haven’t once thought about what that means for my future. I haven’t allowed myself to picture a life in pain or with secondary medical issues. I haven’t made room for focusing on anything beyond the infertility.
Believing that getting pregnant and keeping that hope alive trumped all else.
I thought I had gotten away scot free last week when my period was so seemingly easy. The only real endo symptom I had the entire week was difficulty eating; my stomach was just bloated up to the point that nothing really tasted good, sounded right, or went down well. But other than that, I wasn’t really in pain. I was fine. Functional. Totally normal.
The last two days have been different though. The pain kicked in yesterday morning, and hasn’t really subsided since. I am uncomfortable, and frustrated, and… hurting.
Dealing with the reminder that endometriosis doesn’t just go away. It is here to stay, and the longer I allow it to grow and attack and scar up my insides; the longer I will have to deal with the consequences.
Add to that the fact that I refuse to take anything right now (officially convinced that anything that makes my liver work harder when it should be breaking down those bad estrogens instead is something to be avoided), and; I’m not exactly a happy patient right now.
For the most part, I’m level headed. Realizing even more that this means that I need to go with the November transfer. I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning, and an appointment with my OBGYN next Monday. Assuming everything looks OK then (and that there isn’t any growth that would prohibit me from being able to move forward with November); I will officially be transferring those two ice babies of mine in 2 months. From there, I will either get pregnant or I won’t.
What then though? Another round on Lupron? More surgery? Giving it all up and letting my baby making parts come out?
What’s the answer? The one that leads to the most happy and fulfilling life I can possibly live?
I’ll be honest when I say that the idea of the big “H” breaks me. I don’t like thinking about it. Both because, I’m really not sure that simply going in and taking parts out is ever the right answer (after all; don’t we have those parts for a reason?), and because; even if I say with 100% certainty that I will never go the IVF route again – am I really ready to give up entirely on any possibility of ever carrying a child?
I’m trying to be as level headed about this as possible right now. As calm and rational as can be. I’m trying to map out the life I want to live and determine if the ends really justify the means.
I don’t want a life spent in pain. Or a life spent pumping myself full of drugs. Or a life spent avoiding all the foods I love.
And I really don’t know if I want a life spent feeling… empty.
None of the options sound right, so how do you make the best choices (for both your mental and physical well being) when none of the options sound right?
All I can do right now is hope and pray (and believe) that this November round will work. That I will achieve my dream of conceiving and birthing a baby, and that holding my miracle in my arms will help to make the best choice more clear.
Until then, I’m trying to remind myself that I don’t have to make all these decisions today.
And that if a hot bath and chamomile tea aren’t cutting it anymore;
It’s time to hire a personal masseuse.
ADSPACE
