Have we discussed the fact that I tend to be a bit anal before?
That I like to plan, and orchestrate, and control most aspects of my life before they’ve ever even happened?
That I have it in me to live so far into the future, I forget to live in the now?
I know we’ve discussed before the fact that these Type A tendencies of mine seem to be fairly common amongst infertile women. Whether it be infertility which causes them, or Type A women who seem to face infertility more often I don’t know; but I do know that my infertility has a way of exaggerating my Type A personality.
And that needs to change.
Because really; it is ridiculous for me to be fretting at night over 5, 10, and 15 years from now.
Heck, it’s even kind of silly for me to be fretting about 2 months from now.
And that is what I got out of therapy yesterday.
I knew almost instantly that I would like my new therapist. She was mellow and soothing; definitely a little earthy – which is a personality type I am typically drawn towards anyway. I felt instantly at ease with her, and we were able to dive right in.
I must admit that every time I felt the tears coming, I stubbornly shoved them aside and changed subjects. It takes me time to cry in front of people, and I was not yet there with this woman. Still – somehow, in the span of one hour, we managed to cover all of my life’s hurts. My family. My past. The ex. My endometriosis. And my infertility.
It was a good first session.
She was able to point out some of the flaws in my thinking (flaws which I knew were there, but which I kind of needed someone else to hold up for me). I am worrying a lot lately about what infertility means for my life. I am worrying about the man I will never be able to provide biological children for (and why he would ever want me), as well as the emptiness I’ll feel in my heart if I never become a mother. I am worrying about who I’ll be if I can’t produce a child; what my life will become. I am fearful of everything that I may miss out on if I can’t find a solution to these busted insides of mine.
I am living in the future, and that is suffocating my todays.
It’s time to step back. To live for the day I’m in, and count on the tomorrows to figure themselves out. It’s time to allow myself a bit of space to grieve these losses (something which I have been fearful and resistant of from the beginning – terrified of letting myself go so far into grief that I can’t come back) without hurdling myself forward into what those losses mean for my future.
It’s time to start living in the now.
Which is, admittedly, easier said than done.
There really is something to be said for being able to look ahead and plan for tomorrow. It’s a trait which has served me well for most of my life. But right now, in this moment, it is currently hindering me more than it’s helping. I can’t wrap my head around a guaranteed or fool-proof plan, and therefore I am floundering.
And it needs to stop.
So, starting today, I am living in the now.
Savoring each breath and trying to force myself to focus on the things I can control.
Stopping to smell the roses, but not stopping myself from crying should the tears begin.
Taking the time. To be here. To be present.
To be exactly where I am.
In the now.
ADSPACE
