I Dumped a 12 Year Old

I had to do something I’m not proud of.

I think it was necessary. And I think it was time.

But I still feel like an asshat.

I quit Big Brothers Big Sisters. I quit Chatty.

I dumped a 12 year old.

This has been something I’ve been contemplating for a little while now, but the last few months? It’s become pretty clear that it was time. I was finding myself upset almost every single time we hung out. Frustrated over her home situation, irritated that no one seemed to be taking care of her in the way she needed and deserved, and heartbroken that her mother was able to have 4 children she doesn’t seem to really take care of at all; when I may not even be able to have one.

Yes. It was all entirely selfish.

And I’ll be honest – it makes me feel like a really awful person.

When I first joined Big Brothers Big Sisters, I was through the moon excited. I couldn’t wait to meet my little. Couldn’t wait to connect with a child who desperately needed someone to take her under their wings.

I was convinced that I could bond with any child, anywhere, any time. I was convinced that I could make a difference.

Chatty and I have been matched for two years now, and sometimes I find myself wondering how much of a difference I’ve really made. I’ve found myself questioning whether or not I can really combat the influence and neglect she faces the other 166 hours a week that I’m not there.

In truth, it has been one more aspect of my life that has made me feel helpless.

And again being completely selfish – I don’t have a whole lot of room right now for any more scenarios where I feel helpless.

I’ve known for a while now that Chatty probably needed and deserved someone who wasn’t quite as distracted by life as I’ve been. I’ve felt like our outings were getting less and less fun as I was becoming more and more preoccupied with my own struggles. In a way, I’ve almost felt as though Chatty has been trying to be there for me – when it should be other way around. We really don’t talk about my situation at all, so she has no idea what I am thinking and feeling about the state of my insides; but I have sensed her attempting to be overly agreeable and pleasant in an effort to cheer me up week after week.

Because apparently – I’m not as great an actor as I would like to believe I am. Apparently my distracted and soured mood has been simple enough for a 12 year old to pick up on.

And, that just really isn’t fair.

But, I’ve avoided making this decision. Both because I feel like this child does not need one more person in her life abandoning her, and because I’ve felt like I should be better than this. Like I should be stronger than this. Like once a week, I should be capable of putting someone else first.

It started to feel like a chore though. Like something I was forcing myself to do. And as I drove away from her house week after week in tears because I couldn’t stand dropping this child back off in that environment; I knew something needed to change.

The truth is that I know Chatty’s home life is still better than what foster care would likely offer her. I know her mother loves her; even if it seems as though she isn’t capable of providing a stable environment. I know she has her siblings there; and an extended family that tries to help as best they can. I know there really is nothing I can do to improve her home life for her, because doing anything that would involve her being ripped away from that would just be wrong.

But, I also know that she deserves better. That all children deserve better. And while I was capable of looking at that situation as a challenge 2 years ago (searching to find any way I personally could make a difference); I now find myself stuck in the injustice of it all. Unable to see past that “it’s not fair” bubble.

Still… I have wavered on this decision. Feeling selfish. And like a coward. Angry at myself for not being able to give more.

But, I discussed the situation with Dr. Headshrink this week, and she put things into perspective for me a bit. Reminded me that if I’m feeling this way; Chatty is likely picking up on it. That I’m not doing this child any good by not being fully invested in her. My distraction and state of mind are not helping her. But a new Big Sister – with fresh eyes and an open mind and heart – well, that may be exactly what she needs right now.

I hesitantly picked up the phone to call my Big Brothers Big Sisters coordinator on Wednesday. I have never been good at quitting anything. Never been great at admitting my own inadequacies. My stomach was in knots even thinking about having this conversation.

But my coordinator was surprisingly understanding. They’ve known about my illness all along (since my surgeries meant taking some time off of hanging out with Chatty for a few weeks in the past), and I had also felt obligated to make them aware of my IVF in July. They’ve known my basic history this whole time, and when I explained that I was once again facing the possibility of surgery; she seemed to understand where my head may be at. She was incredibly kind and put me at ease that they would find Chatty another match right away; and that we could still remain “matched” even if we weren’t within the confines of the program anymore. That possibly taking the pressure off of a weekly commitment may even be what I need in order to spend time with her on a less stressed basis. A way to remain in her life, while remembering that someone more capable than myself right now was able to pick up the slack when I couldn’t.

I picked Chatty up yesterday morning to take her to our favorite breakfast place and give her the news. Again – I was nervous and anxious. The last thing I ever want to do is hurt this child. Hurt any child.

But I can’t deny the fact that I just don’t have all of myself to give right now. And that Chatty deserves that from someone. She deserves to be a priority. And I can’t give her that anymore. At least not right now.

I need to make myself and my health (both mental and physical) a priority first.

Again though – my stomach was in knots as I anticipated this conversation with a child I have spent time with for the last two years. This child who looks up to me and idolizes me. This child who will drop anything on a moment’s notice to spend time with me.

This child who I have made a commitment to.

A commitment I was about to break.

I started off by explaining to her that I’ve been getting sick again, and that I may be needing another surgery here soon. I asked her if she’d noticed that I’ve been a little cranky lately, and she said she hadn’t, but this is a smart girl – I have no doubt she’s noticed a change in my mood. I told her that with everything with my illness, I needed to start taking care of myself a little better, and that some days it may be harder for me to go and do things than others. I told her that I had talked to our coordinator with Big Brothers Big Sisters, and that they were going to work on getting her matched with someone else for a while – so that she could still have someone to spend regular time with her.

Then I told her that I would still always be there. That she could still pick up the phone to call me whenever she wanted, and we could still hang out sometimes too – we just wouldn’t officially be matched with Big Brothers Big Sisters anymore. I told it would be kind of like she had two Big Sisters though, because she would still be able to see both of us.

To that she perked up immediately and said “Oh man! My friends are going to be SO jealous! They all have one big sister, but they aren’t going to believe that I get two now!”

And that was it. All the conversation that was needed. She finished breakfast and we drove home talking about our favorite movies and music. I asked her at one point if she had any questions, and she said “no” – that she understood.

She was fine. For all the worry and lost sleep as I’ve had over this situation; this little girl was resilient. She was fine.

And for what must have been the millionth time in the two years we’ve been matched, I found myself thinking – I could learn a thing or two from that girl.

Her resilience. Her ability to take it all in stride. Her willingness to look forward without spending too much time dwelling on the past.

It’s impressive. She is an impressive little girl.

Yesterday I dumped a 12 year old.

I still feel like an asshat. I am still piling guilt 10 stories high upon myself. I still can’t help but feel like a selfish jerk.

But she was fine.

She WILL be fine.

Maybe if we’re really lucky; we both will be.