That’s right. I gave in. I had a croissant with mayonnaise, sprouts, avocado, lettuce, tomato; and 5 different kinds of cheese.
Boars Head cheese.
And it was good.
Until my stomach revolted of course. But, that’s another issue entirely.
My ultrasound this morning did not go well. But really? I didn’t exactly expect it to go well. Knowing the kind of pain I was experiencing – I had a feeling that I was in for some bad news.
My left ovary is a mess. It honestly looked like a football – a big, deformed, mutated football. That’s how twisted out of shape it was. There were at least 2 decent sized endometriomas in there; causing the ovary to look as though it was bursting at the seams.
The ultrasound tech just kept saying that she couldn’t believe how quickly everything had spread out of control. Theoretically, my scans should have been clean in July when I was doing my IVF. At least, no one ever said anything about there being out of control endometriomas then. And, I got plenty of shots of my ovaries at that point.
Not once did they look like they did today.
So, in two months, my endometriosis has again spread to extremes.
My right ovary looked a little better, but still not great. The weird thing there was; there were follicles. Like, multiple follicles.
Anyone who knows anything about this process should know that being on the birth control pill should be completely suppressing my ovaries right now. The fact that I had nearly mature follicles on the right side (only a week after my period no less!) combined with the fact that I started my period last week in the middle of the pill pack; one is left to believe that the birth control pill is no longer doing a darn thing for me.
In fact; if I was a normal girl with normal insides, I could easily be one of those girls who gets pregnant on the pill right now.
But, I’m not, and I’m not even having sex; so that’s really not the point. The point is, it would appear as though I haven’t been suppressed at all, and as if my ovaries have continued to over produce since being on the IVF hormones.
And in reality – that isn’t a good thing at all when you have endometriosis.
I left the appointment frustrated, heartbroken, and unsure of what comes next. After seeing what I saw, I’m not even sure a November cycle is going to be a possibility. I have a sinking feeling that I'm going to need another surgery before moving forward, and I have mixed emotions about that.
On the one hand; I know that this pain I'm in right now isn't going to let up. In fact, it’s only going to get worse. I’m not sure I want to get pregnant knowing that I would continue to have these foreign masses intruding upon the baby’s space and causing me even more pain as the baby grows (and again, I’m not sure the doctors would even allow me to do that).
On the other hand; I’m also not sure that my left ovary could be saved at this point. I don’t remember either side ever looking quite so bad before surgery before. And if going into surgery means giving up an ovary… I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet.
I spoke to my regular doctor this afternoon, and she didn’t really have too many answers for me. She wanted to defer to my Dr. at Seattle Reproductive Medicine regarding the next step in this process, so my films have been faxed to her and I’ll just be waiting to hear back.
In the meantime, my OBGYN reminded me that we always knew this day was coming; that the threat of this day was why I moved so quickly to do IVF in the first place. Her words were “You have aggressive endometriosis, and we knew the day would come when you wouldn’t want to deal with the pain anymore and would be ready for a hysterectomy. You’ve been doing everything to get pregnant, and that’s all you can keep doing right now. Keep trying and keep fighting until you feel like you’re ready to go down that other path.”
I love my doctor, I really do; but it felt like she was telling me that there wasn’t anything more she could do for me until I'm ready to have a hyst.
And that, is heartbreaking.
So… it’s possible I said “screw this” to the uber healthy, no dairy, no gluten, no sugar, no flavor diet I’ve been enduring for the last month and a half (in the hopes of suppressing my endo – it’s clearly worked pretty well, right?!?), and I drove to my favorite sandwich shop where I ordered pure deli bliss – a sandwich piled so high with Boar’s Head cheeses that you can’t taste anything else.
I also got macaroni salad.
And a cookie.
Yep. I’m not sure my stomach was ready for that assault. It pretty much shut down for business… I doubt I’ll be eating again tonight.
But, it was good while it lasted.
I'm going to get back on the wagon tomorrow though. Even though I now realize that the dietary changes clearly didn’t keep my endo at bay, there is something to be said for trying to be as healthy as possible for the sake of being healthy when facing something like this.
I just may give myself a little bit more leniency from here on out. I won’t be keeping cheese and goodies in my house, but if I’m having an unstoppable craving or I’m enjoying a night out with my friends?
I might let myself give in here and there.
After all; you only live once.
I was feeling pretty defeated by this afternoon. My spirit’s a little broken down. I honestly feel like I've tried everything I can possibly think of short of a hysterectomy, and nothing has worked. So what am I supposed to do now? What’s the next step?
Looking past my dream to become a mother; what is the best choice when it comes to being able to live a happy and fulfilling life without pain?
So many questions, and it seems as though there are no right answers.
And yes, my heart is breaking a bit.
I had an appointment with Teeny tonight though, and it was exactly what I needed. She got me so relaxed that I was actually shocked when she told me we were done – I hadn’t even realized she'd been pulling all the needles out.
She told me her feelings wouldn't be hurt if I felt like seeing her wasn't helping anymore and I stopped my treatments. I reminder her that her simple ability to get me to relax on a weekly basis is more than anyone else has been able to do for me though. I'm not going anywhere.
And now, I feel like I could sleep. For the first time in the last few days; I feel like I could sleep.
I’m reminded of my vow to take this one step at a time; one day at a time; one moment a time.
And that’s what I’m going to do.
Get through today today, and worry about tomorrow tomorrow.
Answers will come, and spirits will be lifted. There is more to life than this, and no matter what; I am going to be a mother one day.
And when that day comes, none of this will matter.
Until then; there is only today.
ADSPACE
