A hurt in my heart I hadn’t been planning for.
A confusion that overwhelmed me, and that I haven’t been able to stop thinking about since.
I had an amazing night with my friends. The movie was incredible (as in, so incredible that I kind of want to go again tonight!) but the time with my girls was even more relished. Time to catch up, gossip (apparently Kristen Bell and Drew Barrymore are in town!), and commiserate.
A perfect night.
When I got home though, I started to get ready for bed and read through some blogs. I stumbled upon a post by Katie about another blog she had read – one which equated IVF to abortion, and called them both murder.
I was immediately taken aback. I have of course heard abortion likened to murder, and while I don’t agree with giving it that connotation – it was at least a leap I could understand.
But calling IVF murder? Calling me a murderer because that’s the path I’ve chosen to take? Even though I am using every last one of my embryos? Even though I never would have even considered throwing any away?
Basing it all on faith, when I do in fact consider myself to be a woman of God?
(Although, I am an admittedly flawed and ever struggling woman of God who knows she could be and should be doing better in many arenas of life - I am still a woman with a strong faith!)
It all just kind of stung. And I’ve been trying to wrap my head around it ever since. In fact, we’ve had an ongoing conversation over at the community about it. I would actually love your opinion there, because this is something I’m still just thrown by. I truly am just trying to understand.
You can read most of where I’m coming from there as well, but the main point I’ve come to is this:
I am NOT a murderer. The fact that there is anyone in this world that would equate me to a murderer honestly breaks my heart. It makes me think that they have obviously never lost anyone they loved in a violent or calculated way, because if they had – perhaps they wouldn’t be so quick to make such a broad comparison using a word that has so many sick and hurtful connotations.
But I do know that I am NOT a murderer. And that still, most of the examples that lead to that comparison make very little sense to me. I am strong in my faith, and I believe with all my heart that God has led me to the path I am currently on. And that is enough for me; my knowledge that God and I are good on this one.
It’s just that… there is a hurt there, in knowing that there are people in this world who would label me such a strong and ugly word because of the choices I have made. I know it shouldn’t hurt me, and I know that technically it isn’t about me.
But I feel the need to reiterate once again, that I am NOT a murderer.
I am however a drug user.
My package of meds arrived in the mail yesterday, and as I was pulling out my needles and syringes and refrigerating the meds that do in fact need to be refrigerated, it dawned on me – infertility has turned me into a heavy drug user.
I am a girl who doesn’t even like to take Tylenol unless absolutely necessary, and it has been years since I have been on an antibiotic for anything that wasn’t endo/surgical related. I don’t even have a primary care practitioner. I am not even kind of a pill popper, but here I am – a girl capable of shooting herself up with drugs without even flinching.
So, if you want to make any ugly comparisons about what I’m doing – feel free to call me a drug user. I own it. I hate that it has to be this way. That the only way I can hope to get pregnant is to pump myself full of drugs that I know are not exactly good for me. I hate that this is my only option, and that there are no natural alternatives which could reverse the damage that has already been done to my insides.
I hate that this is the way I have to do this, but in the same breath; I am thankful every day that these options exist.
So go ahead. Call me names. Point fingers. Come to your own conclusions about who I am and what I’m about. I’m fine with that, because at the end of the day; I know the truth.
I am a drug user.
But I am NOT a murderer.
