Even If It Kills Me

Good things are coming.

Even if it kills me.

Good things are coming.

That was the realization I had yesterday. The realization that kicked my butt into gear a bit and reminded me; it’s not time to give up yet.

Several of you read my post about running away and saw another version of my life; a version I should perhaps pursue. A version that I may have actually been intended to live.

Truth? I’m not there yet. Not with those embies on ice. As scared as I am to use them and fail, I know I could never just walk away from them. I’m not at a point where I’m ready to throw the towel in and give up.

Not yet anyway.

But, I do have to thank you. It only took contemplating that idea (as suggested by many of you) to realize that for me; the fear of failure has nothing on the fear of never trying. I have two potential babies waiting for me, and I can’t just walk away from them. Not without giving them a fighting chance. Not without trying. Not without being able to walk away saying at least I did everything I could. At least I exhausted all other possibilities.

If this next round doesn’t work? Then we can talk.

Although – getting me to talk at that point may be a challenge. I’m just saying!

I’ve made a decision though. I’m going forward with hope. With positivity. With faith.

I’m going forward believing that good things are coming.

And then, I am going to do everything in my power to ensure that happens.

Even if it kills me.

And that was the realization I came to yesterday. That I am allowing myself to be in this funk. This rut. This dead end.

I am allowing myself to feel hurt and wounded, and that needs to change. Now.

This life is what you make it, and it is only up to you to make it great. I’ve always known this. I’ve always believed it. And right now? I need to start acting on it.

I’m doing some spring cleaning with my life (even though the colors on the trees outside tell me that things are swiftly hurdling towards fall). I’m tossing out anything (and everyone) that brings me unnecessary hurt or grief. I’m making the decision to be better than I’ve been. The choice to rebuild from the ground up if that’s what it takes.

I’m going to keep up with therapy, because I do think that I need it right now. I need to deal with this, rather than just brushing it under the rug (which is my natural instinct); but I’m going to continue for me (because I deserve to be happy and healthy), not just because I want a place to vent and complain. I need to figure out how to best cope with my disease and what it may mean for my future; how to move forward and find myself again. The truth is, I might need to work on some of my relationship issues too. I might need some lessons in how to choose someone who's good for me, and how to stick with them. I was told recently that I'm not built for commitment - that I will never be able to pull off long term. I don't want that to be true. I don't want to go through life pushing people away. So, maybe it's time I focus on fixing some of that too.

I’m going to throw myself in head first and really commit to fixing my broken pieces, because as I told someone today (while I was closing a door that probably should have been locked shut a while ago); I can’t keep playing in the pieces. I know I contributed to the break, but that doesn’t mean I need to keep cutting myself on the glass.

I’m cleaning house, and if it brings me down, makes me cry, or stresses me out? It’s getting tossed. There’s no more room in my life for unhealthy or negative influences; I’ve got to be at my best if I’m going to make it through this next round unscathed.

In the same sentence, I am realizing that this holding pattern isn’t healthy either. That the waiting and dreading (and fearing) the future is making it near impossible to live in the present. That I need to get this stage of my life over with, so I can move forward one way or another. So I can face the consequences head on; whatever they may be.

I haven’t made any definitive decisions yet.

But suddenly?

I’m leaning towards November.