I have always believed in hunches.
I have always followed my gut, and rarely has my gut done me wrong.
I have long been the girl who says that if I feel it deeply enough, there must be something to that.
But this last week, my faith in my gut has been rocked.
I was so sure going into this that it was going to work. I mean, yes, I had my fears. I had those moments of panic where I thought “but what if…”
For the most part though, I believed in my heart that I was being driven to try and that everything was going to work out in the end. I don't think I would have been able to move forward if I didn't believe that. I don't think anyone enters into these extreme measures while thinking that it may not work. And I was no different. I believed that this was the path I was meant to be on.
I believed in the signs that I thought were leading me to my baby.
And don’t even get me started on how convinced I was that I was actually pregnant. I even got angry at someone for suggesting that all my symptoms could have been caused by the hormones. “The audacity!” I thought.
I knew my body, and I knew I was pregnant, and nothing anyone else said could change that.
Except… I wasn’t pregnant.
I have to be honest when I say that my faith in myself is struggling right now. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and I do believe that there could still be a happy ending to this story. But… my ability to trust that belief has been hindered.
I’m feeling a little bit lost when it comes to deciding what to do next. I don’t know how to make the right moves, because I no longer know what those right moves are.
Because no matter what my gut tells me, I don't believe it right now.
This heartbreak I’m feeling? I feel like I have only myself to blame. Like I let my hopes get too high. Like I set myself up for the fall.
Like there was nowhere to go, but down.
I can’t decide what to do next, because I can’t trust my own instincts. I no longer believe what my gut is telling me. I have essentially betrayed myself, and now I don’t know how to restore that faith.
What do you do when you are responsible for breaking your own heart?
How do you heal when the lies that hurt the most are the ones you’ve told yourself?
I know for a fact that I can’t enter into another cycle feeling like this. I am too big a believer in self fulfilling prophecies and in mind over matter. I don’t want to go into another round with this fear and apprehension. I don’t want to take the next step while still wounded.
I want nothing more than to be able to have that same hope; even if it means experiencing this same crash. But now that I know what the crash feels like; I’m skittish. I’m behaving like a child who has just fallen from her bike and wants the training wheels put back on immediately.
I can’t trust. I can’t believe. I can’t move forward.
And until I can figure out how to forgive myself and my gut, I’m not sure what comes next.
I just know that I’ve lost faith in my own hunches.
ADSPACE
