At this moment, I am looking at a calendar for a November transfer date protocol.
Don’t get too excited – I still haven’t made an official decision.
But, I am on the books at Seattle Reproductive Medicine for a FET (frozen embryo transfer) on November 11th, 2010.
I'm also on the books for January 11th, 2011.
I suppose I should explain.
When I first brought up the fact that I was going back and forth between doing the transfer in November or January, someone mentioned that I could do the transfer on 11/11. For those of you who don’t know, I have a thing for numbers; and 11/11 has always been a big one for me. I literally stop and hold my breath to make a wish every single time I see 11:11 on the clock.
Still. To this day. As an adult.
And I have long said that I wanted to get married on 11/11/11 (although, I’m starting to think that would be pushing it now!) The number just has significance for me. It seems like a number that good things happen on.
So basically, I was sold. As soon as I realized that I could have my transfer on 11/11, I knew that’s what I wanted to do.
Until the same person also mentioned that instead of transferring on 11/11/10, I could do the transfer on 1/11/11.
And again, I was deadlocked.
I’ve known since that moment that I wanted to transfer on one of those dates, but I honestly couldn’t decide which one. The truth is that my heart was (and has been) pushing me towards January. All of my reasons for wanting a January transfer had to do with success – I didn’t want a summer baby (both for school and birthday purposes) and my finances would be far better by then (in reality – I’m still not sure I could scrounge everything together in time to pull off a November transfer – it would be tight for sure). On the flip side, my big reasons for not wanting to transfer in November had to do with failure – I didn’t want to fail again just before the holidays. Beyond that, the only real reason I’ve been leaning towards November is based in fear – fear that my endo will return with a vengeance before I have a chance to try again.
Now, don’t get me wrong; that fear is real and very very strong. But should it really be the main reason I transfer in November rather than waiting until January when I would be more comfortable?
Do I really want to be making decisions based in fear right now?
To me, it just seemed like I should go with the month that I was leaning towards based on positivity rather than negativity. That just felt right.
But there was still that fear. That very loud fear telling me that endometriosis is nothing to gamble with right now.
Plus, from day to day I have literally gone back and forth between a desire to just get this over with (find out one way or another whether it was going to work and then be able to move on with my life from there), and an urge to hold off any possible hurt as long as I can; until my heart is fully healed.
The aftershocks of that failed cycle are still very much so with me.
I've had so many conflicting feelings about this decision that it isn’t even funny. Add to that the fact that I don’t really trust my gut right now, and I’m not putting a great deal of weight into my decision making abilities (did you all see what I did with my carpet?!?)
So, please know that I haven’t intentionally been keeping you out of the loop regarding what I’ve decided. I just literally haven’t decided anything.
At all.
Two nights ago though, I did finally pen an e-mail to my coordinator at SRM. I had been avoiding doing this because I wanted to have a date to give her before I did. At a loss though (after asking my dad to decide for me and having him tell me I must transfer in November – because he wants to be able to go fishing when he comes up to visit for the birth - thanks Dad!), I shot her an e-mail detailing my crazy back and forth on the dates.
My coordinator is easily my favorite person at SRM, but I can only imagine the things she must think of me! This poor woman is the only person there who has had to deal with me consistently, and let’s just say that you probably wouldn’t want to be on the receiving end of the emails I manage to compose at the height of an infertile panic.
It isn’t pretty.
I tend to think of myself as pretty quirky, and I embrace that. But I have a feeling my dear coordinator would describe me as a bit more manic... neurotic even.
It’s OK though. I don’t really care what her private thoughts of me are, because her responses are always warm and genuine – no matter how crazy I’ve just been.
And this was no different. I received an e-mail from her yesterday offering to block off both dates for me in order to give me more time to decide. Apparently they only do 1 FET per day in order to make room for the fresh transfers (which are less predictable), and it just so happens that both dates I was looking at were still available.
Yes. I am officially the selfish jerk who is blocking off two special days for transfer – for anyone else planning on doing an FET at SRM during that time frame: I’m sorry! I promise that as soon as I make a solid decision, you can have the other date.
I’ll admit though; there was part of me that was hoping only one date would be available so that I would no longer have a decision to make anyway.
No such luck, but at least I can breathe easier knowing that I have a little bit longer to truly decide.
She sent me a copy of my calendar for a November protocol, so that I would have a better idea of when I would need to decide for sure by. I had no idea how much sooner you start injections for a frozen transfer! If I decide on November, I’m meant to begin the dreaded Lupron injections on October 5th. Given how early I would have to start (and the time that would be needed to order all my meds) we decided on a deadline of September 24th for me to make a hard and fast decision.
I have a deadline.
The good thing about that deadline is that it will give me a few more weeks to really gauge my pain levels and see how much faith I have in these diet changes working to stave off my endo. If my pain starts to really amp up in that time frame, I will clearly transfer in November.
If not though, I do think I’m going to wait until January. I just like going with a date that has me thinking about what I want for my baby, rather than what I fear with a failure.
Between now and then I also have an appointment with my regular doctor and one with Dr. Naturopath. I’ll be able to run both dates by each of them and get a feel for what they think as well.
The calendar also let me know that I will for sure be doing the progesterone injections rather than suppositories for this round. It wasn’t something we had really discussed, so I’m not sure if the injections are the norm for all frozen cycles or if my concern about the suppositories was made clear enough that the change had already been made. I don’t care either way though – I already feel better knowing that I will be doing the injections instead. I know it’s more pain, and that 10 weeks of intramuscular injections (if I do get a positive) will be less than fun, but I just can’t shake the feeling that the suppositories weren’t absorbing. In general, I know I’ll feel much more confident with the shots.
I have to admit that there is something exciting about seeing this calendar all laid out in front of me. Some part of me that actually got a little giddy when I saw it today.
And I haven’t felt giddy at all since finding out that the last round didn’t work.
There’s something about this though; a renewed hope? This part of me that feels like maybe, just maybe… this could work.
There's another part of me that's still fighting that hope right now though; trying to temper it and not let it get the best of me. Working hard to keep the hope from fooling me into believing that this could work.
A feeling which I know probably means that I’m not really ready yet. That I may need more time before moving forward.
Because I do want to have that hope this next round. I don’t want to go into it guarded and skittish. I want to be able to believe that this could work, and to trust in that belief.
Until then… I wait.
And hope the decision comes to me.
ADSPACE
