When I was preparing for my first round of IVF, I will admit; I didn’t do everything I could have done.
I did more than most women do to get pregnant, but I wasn’t perfect.
I wasn’t pristine.
I wasn’t at the top of my game.
There are women who will enter into IVF with truckloads of research. They maintain strict regimes for their life and do everything by the book.
They go into it thinking that if they’re going to spend that much money, they’re going to ensure they’ve done everything on their end perfectly.
I will admit that while I have a perfectionist side to my personality, I bucked against the idea of becoming this woman. I reasoned that the stress of doing everything perfectly (right down to every morsel of food that went into my mouth) would counteract any possible benefit.
But maybe I was wrong.
Maybe my first meal post transfer shouldn’t have been a jalapeño cheddar bagel with extra jalapenos (because eastern medicine would suggest against eating spicy food post transfer).
Maybe I should have been working out more regularly.
Maybe I should have been more diligent about getting enough sleep in the weeks leading up to the big day.
Maybe I should have been more perfect.
And maybe then, it would have worked.
I recognize the insanity of allowing myself to think like that now, but it has certainly shaped how I'm attempting to tackle this next round.
Suddenly I’m the girl who is trying to be perfect.
As I was leaving my appointment with Teeny yesterday, Dr. Naturopath grabbed me and pulled me into her office. I have a follow up appointment scheduled for 2 weeks from now, but since I was there and she was there; she wanted to go over my blood results from a few weeks back.
I’ve got to say that I love that about this place. It’s like Private Practice. There are general practitioners and eastern medicine practitioners; all coexisting in one space and feeding off each other’s knowledge. Discussing patients as a team in an effort to determine the best course of action.
I love it.
The reason she wanted to meet with me though, was that my thyroid levels definitely came back a little out of whack.
Sluggish.
That was the word she used to describe the situation.
When I told her that I hadn’t lost an ounce at all during the cleanse, she said that made perfect sense given where my levels were.
Vindication!
She wanted me to start treatment now, and then we’re going to reconvene at the appointment I’ve already got scheduled. I was sent off with a supplement called ½ grain (to add to my now growing list of supplements and vitamins; I am officially back to the point of considering an old lady pill organizer) and the hope that eventually my body will get back to working like normal.
Because this is one more thing I can point to and say wasn't perfect enough for this last round.
One more thing I can fix before the next round.
I left the office feeling refreshed. I can honestly say that after the last year I feel like my body has been through a lot; possibly too much. I think the Lupron and IVF hormones have wreaked a little bit of havoc everywhere, and I’m just not convinced that anything is functioning optimally anymore.
Nothing about my thyroid levels were too concerning, but they weren’t perfect either.
And that’s where I wonder if there wasn’t more I could have done going into this last round. If it isn’t possible that if I had paid a little more attention to my overall health and to following every trick there is out there to encourage implantation; I might be pregnant right now.
I realize the audacity there. Women get pregnant every day who are far less healthy than I am. Women who smoke or drink heavily. Women who are excessively overweight or who subsist on a diet of grease and sugar. Women who are drug addicts.
Women who don’t have to try nearly as hard, get pregnant every day; oftentimes without trying at all.
So my deviations from perfection (or my sluggish thyroid – which I’m convinced is just ticked after being bombarded with hormones) are not the reason I didn’t get pregnant.
But still… I can’t help wondering if I could have done more.
I’m not sure I want to be the woman who’s striving for perfection in this journey. I’m not sure I want to be the one who drives herself crazy trying to pour over the conflicting tips and diet plans. I’m not sure I have it in me to be so anal that the stress overshadows any benefits.
But I do want to be better before going into this next round.
I want to feel like I gave my whole body a chance.
Like I did my best.
To be healthy.
To be ready.
To be perfect.
Or if not perfect; at least good enough.
Good enough to make this one stick.
Good enough to feel like I did everything there was to do.
And good enough to wind up with a baby in my arms at the end.
ADSPACE
