The events of last Monday are still kind of a blur for me, but I have to admit that while I announced the sad news here, and sent a mass text to my nearest and dearest (imploring them to please not call me, because I just couldn't handle conversations); I intentionally left a few people off of that list.
I can’t even really explain why. Maybe it’s because there were a limited few who I actually wanted to be able to talk about it with when the time was right, or maybe it’s because I knew I wasn’t ready for their reactions in particular.
But The Devirginator is one of those people I intentionally didn't inform.
I have always relied on him to be my pick-me-up. The man has managed to make me smile in the midst of some of my biggest heart breaks in this life; I used to joke that he was my own brand of anti depressant. He has always been capable of pulling me out of any funk; but I don't think I was ready to be pulled out of my funk yet last week.
I wasn’t ready to smile.
I had talked to him while I was in Seattle though, and he obviously knew what I was doing and how important it was to me (let’s not forget – he was the first person to offer up his sperm when this journey first began), so I shouldn’t have been surprised when I got a text message from him last night that said “Sooooooo….?”
The good news was that by last night, I was ready to start healing. And for me, healing always begins with laughter.
A medicine this boy has been able to provide for as long as I can remember.
Now, before you romantics out there start pairing the two of us together in your heads, let me be clear; we will never be a couple. You have never met two people more mismatched in your entire life. Just for starters, this is a boy that to this day is adamant that he never wants to get married or have children. He has lived in LA for years, and he loves that lifestyle. His number one goal and priority is to someday “make it” amongst the sea of actors and models all pining away for the same dream.
Meanwhile, I want nothing in this world more than to be a mother (and yes, even a wife) and I am so content living in Alaska away from any kind of limelight or hustle and bustle that it isn’t even funny.
Yes, we have a history, but that history starts and ends in high school. We both always knew that we were never meant to be anything more than friends; and that is all we’ve been for years. Dawson and Joey do not end up together in the end.
Although, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I really wish my Dawson had a Pacey waiting in the wings for me!
Still, this man has seen me go through so many changes. He is easily one of my oldest friends, and he knows more about me than probably anyone. In high school, when I couldn’t handle my stepmother anymore, I used to run away to his house. When I was barely 19 and everything around me was spiraling out, his door was the one I would knock on drunk and in tears. Whenever I felt like I couldn’t figure out which direction was up anymore, he was always the one to set me straight.
And now, no matter how long we may go without talking, he is still one of my best friends.
So letting him know that I wasn’t pregnant and that it didn’t work, hurt.
But his reaction, as always, got me smiling before I could even fall:
“That’s it.” He said. “I’m coming up there and we’re doing this the old fashioned way.”
He obviously knows that isn’t even possible (he was up here visiting me for a week last year as I tried to sort through my options and we explored Alaska - so he knows all the dirty details), and he also knows how I feel about using a known donor (I won’t do it unless it’s someone I think I have a future with and who wants to take on that father role – I just think anything else would be too confusing, and I never wanted to have to tell my child “I do know your father, and he’s a great guy, but he doesn’t want to be your dad.”)
But, he knows how to make me smile. And really, at this point, that's all that matters to me.
We talked back and forth for a little while, mulling over my options in as comedic a way as possible so that they seemed less scary. As has always been the case with this friend of mine, he got me thinking straight again; laughing and breathing and looking at my situation right side up.
And for that, I will always love this boy.
Even though I would never let him father my child!
As the conversation was wrapping up, he let me know that he was there and that he would do anything he could to help.
“I know how much you want this.” He said. “Just remember that my balls are yours if it helps.”
Sigh.
If only it was that easy.
ADSPACE
