Don’t get me wrong; I can’t even explain to you just how closed off to the idea of dating I’ve been the last few weeks. I recognize the need to focus on myself right now and get to the point of being ready (both mentally and physically) for round 2.
But, I have boxes upon boxes (upon boxes) of new flooring in my car right now, and…
A man would be nice.
In California and Arizona I have plenty of male friends – guys who have always served my faux-boyfriend needs whenever I’ve required some extra help with the little things that men typically do for the women they love. I’ve never had to worry much about tracking that help down, because I’ve always had guy friends I could rely on to play my boyfriend when the need arose.
But up here, I haven’t really made any guy friends who could fill that role… probably because all of the guys who I would be friends with, are married. There are definitely men up here who I would call my friends, but the ability to use them for faux-boyfriend tasks is made a bit more uncomfortable when I know they have wives and girlfriends who probably wouldn’t appreciate their significant others being at my disposal too much.
Life was clearly much simpler when I lived in San Diego – the land of the 2 month relationships.
I’ve been in the habit of borrowing the husbands of my girl friends up here when I’ve needed a little heavy lifting, but it’s starting to get pathetic. I am officially the lone single girl amongst my group of friends; the one who they coyly convince their boyfriends and husbands to help out by jutting out their lower lips and saying “But, you have to help her! She’s… single!”
Mrs. King actually offered up her brother for this task a few days ago; without even asking him first.
And it was at that point that I said “A man would be nice.”
Catching myself and remembering that I have actually been quite fond of my quiet little condo the last few weeks, I said “I mean, I don’t really want to go out and put the time and effort into finding a man right now. And then there’s all the upkeep; keeping him fed, clean, and happy… I’m just not up for it at this point. But the convenience of a man in situations like this one? That would be nice…”
It’s the little things that men do that I wouldn’t scoff at right now. Having someone to help me make flooring decisions (which I was painfully inept at – I must have changed my mind 8 times before landing right back on my original choice), to helping me get that flooring into the house, and moving all the furniture so that said flooring could be installed – that would be nice. I’m good with intricate detail work, but the heavy lifting? Not so much something I can do on my own.
Of course, the intricacies of dating aren’t really something I can do right now either. The flirting. The light and airy conversations. The intimate reveals of past loves and heartaches.
I’m so not there.
I know that to some now would seem like the perfect time to start dating. I officially do not have a baby in my belly, and plans are currently a bit on hold as to when I will try again. To any normal human being, now would be the time to try (rather than as I’m injecting myself full of hormones and in the process of actually making a baby), but now is the exact wrong time for me. My souls been marginally crushed, and I’m feeling quite wounded; wounded enough to be guarded and harsh and unwilling to let someone new in.
I have never denied the fact that I might have a bit of relationship anxiety, and while I am definitely coming to a point where I can recognize how nice it would be to have someone to love (and love me back); the idea of trying to date right now makes me want to vomit.
So instead, I will be spending at least a little bit of time focusing on me for now. Focusing on healing, and achieving health, and figuring out what I really want before I try to introduce someone new into the picture.
It also appears as though I will be spending a bit of time moving my own boxes (and furniture); like the independent woman I apparently strive to be.
I just wish I was an independent woman who could afford to hire help.
ADSPACE
