Enough with this sappy, mopey, woe-is-me nonsense.
I’ve gotten it out there, I’ve said my piece, I’ve expressed the deepest darkest sadness hiding inside this broken heart of mine; and now it’s time to get my butt back in gear.
Time to start looking towards the future, instead of mulling away in the past.
Time to pick up the pieces and keep on moving… again.
And in order to do that, I need a plan.
A solid plan.
A plan I can get behind and believe in and trust.
A plan that ends with a baby in my arms.
A plan for those two ice babies of mine.
I’m ready. Ready to talk about them. Ready to consider them. Ready to make a plan for using them.
And the only question now is: when?
Without even really understanding why, I keep thinking either November or January. I have reasons for leaning towards both months; some of those reasons are overly analytical and some are ridiculously silly. The problem is that I’m having a difficult time talking myself into one month vs. the other. A difficult time determining which choice is best.
A difficult time making what should be a fairly simplistic decision.
Which leaves me with no choice; I have to break down my pros and cons list.
Are any of us surprised that I actually have a pros and cons list to make such an arbitrary decision?
I do love my lists.
The positives to waiting until January are primarily financial. It would give me two more months to get my finances back in order after the Titanic hit my bank account took this last round. December is usually a good month at work when it comes to bonuses and annual raises, and January is even a 3 paycheck month. All of those things would help to finance what I am guessing is going to be another $3000-$5000 for this Frozen Egg Transfer once everything is said and done.
Beyond that though, it would also allow me to claim the expenses associated with this second round on my 2011 taxes, seeing as I’m guessing I have maxed out any possible medical claims for 2010 already.
See. I told you I was being overly analytical.
It’s not all financial though. Waiting until January would also mean that if it did work, I would have the baby(s) sometime in October. That would mean I would be big and pregnant for the state fair next year – and I could enjoy all the spoils of the fair as only a pregnant woman can (yes - I would annihilate the fair food whilst pregnant!) If I did this in November, I would likely either have a newborn to take care of or be on the verge of labor by the time the fair rolled around – meaning that I would once again miss the fair food I adore.
I told you I had some silly reasons too! These are actual thoughts that have popped into my head while trying to think this through.
Don't even get me started on not wanting my child to have a summertime birthday solely because I used to feel sorry for the kids who didn't get to bring cupcakes to school and celebrate with their friends on their birthdays.
I cannot even believe that's a consideration of mine when it comes to when to make a baby.
But it is. It really, really is.
I also just like the idea of being pregnant throughout the summer though… I don’t know why. I’ve just always pictured flow-y dresses and warm weather clothes when I’ve thought about how I would be in my last months of pregnancy – January would give me that entire summer to bask in my girth.
My biggest fear with waiting until January though is health; both endo health, and just overall health.
Because let’s be real; I’m not so sure I could maintain gluten free and dairy free throughout the holidays.
And if I’m not pregnant, I’m really not sure I’m going to want to forgo a glass (or two) of wine during those holidays either.
I know I could keep up the diet restrictions with relatively few issues until then, but once Thanksgiving hits?
All bets may be off.
Which brings me to why November is possibly a better idea. It's only 3 months away. 3 months is a time frame I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could stick to the dietary restrictions and follow any possible rules and regulations necessary to get my body into tip top shape. 3 months is doable. 3 months is something I can commit to.
Beyond that, there is also the fact that November was the month I was originally going to try in the first place (before my endo got so aggressive [even on the Lupron] that I decided to move things up). You all know how I feel about signs, and there is part of me that feels like November is the month I am supposed to try again, since it’s the month I always thought I would be trying in to begin with.
Plus, if it worked, it would mean only 3 more months of feeling this emptiness before having things turn out the way they were supposed to.
Of course, if it didn’t work, it would mean that in 3 months I would have to face my greatest fear by far; no more funds, no more embryos, and no more hope.
And to be honest, that fear of facing no more hope terrifies me. Enough so that I actually find myself considering never using those embryos, just so that I can always have some hope tucked away.
That’s how scary it is.
Even more though; if it didn’t work I would find out just before the beginning of those holidays I was so concerned about being able to eat at.
Those holidays that would pretty effectively be ruined for me.
Those holidays when I likely wouldn’t want to eat anyway.
Those holidays when I certainly wouldn’t want to celebrate.
If it worked, I can almost guarantee that it would be my happiest holiday season to date.
But if it didn’t; it would be devastating.
So you see? While this may seem like such a simplistic choice, and there are those who are wondering why I haven’t picked up the phone to schedule my next transfer already; it really is quite terrifying. I am basically trying to plan for a crushing blow I may not be able to handle; I’m trying to schedule it so that it doesn’t disrupt my life any more than it needs to.
I’m planning for the worst, while trying to cling to some tiny shred of hope for the best.
And I’m having a difficult time making a hard and fast decision.
But I need to. I need to make a decision and I need to finalize a plan. I need something set in stone that I can start working towards, so that I can begin feeling like myself again.
What do you think?
November or January?
When should the baby making begin?
Again.
ADSPACE
