It’s possible I let loose last night.
It’s possible I started drinking at 4, and kept right on going until midnight.
It’s possible there was beer pong and trash talk and moments of laughter mixed in with random bouts of tears.
It’s possible I feel like death today.
Yesterday was a friend’s 30th birthday, and the surprise party that ensued in celebration was probably exactly what I needed. I had been hesitant about whether or not I would even go; I wasn't sure I was up for all the people and socializing. I wasn't sure I was there yet. Plus, I knew that the ex would be there, and I really wasn't sure being around him was the best idea right now - we've only talked once since the wedding, and even then it was entirely about an issue with his daughter. I haven't heard from him at all since the bottom fell out, and I haven't tried to contact him.
I've been good on that front.
But when I woke up yesterday morning, I knew I could use a good day with friends. I knew it was time to start crawling out of my shell again.
The beer in my hand told everyone who may not have already known that no, I wasn’t pregnant, and the multiple beers that followed probably screamed of a girl trying to heal in all the wrong ways.
It’s a good thing I have friends who love me and were there waiting for a fall.
A fall that didn’t really come – at least, not as bad as it could have. There were definitely tears, and when the night was up there was no doubt that I had enjoyed myself a bit too much, but the breakdown was really nothing compared to what it could have been. And there were people there to watch me, take care of me, and drive me home.
Because I have good friends who love me.
I think everyone has been waiting for me to truly lose it over this news, and maybe at some point I should just get it all out. But right now, I’m just not sure I have it in me. An actual breakdown is something I’m not entirely sure I would know how to come out of at this point.
And so instead, I keep moving forward. Because that’s all I know how to do
There were children everywhere yesterday (because birthday party BBQ’s in the summer in Alaska are family events) and I was even fine with that. I held and played with and cooed at two little ones under one, and while there was a part of my heart that ached over that fact – for the most part I was just fine. For the most part, I was more happy to be holding babies than I was sad that I didn’t have one of my own.
And there was, of course, the beer.
I’ve laid in bed today wondering how it is that I got so drunk off of beer and beer alone, but I’m sure it must have had something to do with the infrequency with which I drink now, the hours upon hours I was drinking, and the beer pong – does me in every time.
I am sick, and tired, and wondering why on earth I would ever do this to myself. But, it was a good last hurrah before I take on this cleanse tomorrow. My house is stocked with health food, and the alcohol free, gluten free, dairy free (not-so) deliciousness is about to take over.
It was probably good that I had a night of drinking before that begins.
It was probably good to get a lot of things out of my system that were less than healthy for me.
It’s possible that someone came over last night.
Someone who I had been doing so well abstaining from.
It’s possible he crawled into my bed and told me he was there to comfort me – and he really did just that.
It’s possible the ex had me cuddled up in his arms until I kicked him out this morning.
It’s possible that nothing has changed, and I never should have agreed to his coming over; but that it was nice to let someone hold me.
It’s possible that I fell off more than one wagon last night.
It’s possible that none of it was good for me.
But I’m fine.
Just recovering from the hangover.
And getting ready to put all the pieces back together.
For real this time.
Starting with allowing myself to think about those embies on ice.
And getting healthy enough to try again.
ADSPACE
