Something happened yesterday. Something that kind of stopped me in my tracks.
Something that made me question what exactly it is I’m doing here.
And also, what exactly it is that all of you may (or may not) expect from me.
I received a comment. A comment which told me that it was time to “get over it” in regards to my endo and infertility, and to stop feeling sorry for myself. A comment which of course was left by someone who did not reveal their real name or e-mail address, because people who lash out at strangers on the internet are typically not capable of doing so openly. But this commenter struck a cord nonetheless, as she told me that there were women who have it worse than me, women who look to me “for inspiration and support… not you drowning yourself in your sorrows."
It was mildly amusing, seeing as it was left on a post that was actually meant to be funny. One that everyone else was able to find the humor in.
One that had absolutely nothing in the world to do with me feeling sorry for myself.
Which can only lead me to believe that this anonymous stranger was attempting to hurt me for reasons I don't even really understand.
But that didn’t matter. They didn't hurt me. In fact, I found myself feeling more sorry for them than me; because really, how sad must your life be if you get your jollies attempting to anonymously inflict pain upon strangers over the internet?
No, they didn't hurt me, but they did make me think. I suddenly felt bad. I mean, holy crap! Are any of you actually looking to me for inspiration or hope? Because let’s be clear – you shouldn’t be! And maybe I should have had a disclaimer to that effect a long time ago - maybe then this person wouldn't have been so confused about what my purpose here is.
I am just like you; just like any of you. I have my good days and my bad days. I have my heartbreak and my elation. I am muddling through this war zone of infertility just like anyone else.
If you want sunshine and rainbows all the time, it might be a better idea to watch some Hannah Montana and step away from the blog. Because real life isn’t that simple, and remaining constantly optimistic isn’t either.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I am a happy girl who is generally pretty gosh darn optimistic. I truly believe that you can choose how you react to the challenges life hands you, and I work to focus on the bright side as much as I possibly can. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt, or feel, or grieve. I believe that everything happens for a reason, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t struggle and stumble and fall. I believe that God has a plan for me, but that doesn't mean that I don't question that plan daily.
That doesn’t mean that anyone should be relying on me to be anything but honest. That doesn’t mean that anyone should trust in me to lead the way in how to deal with infertility and loss; because I will inevitably let you down.
Every. Single. Time.
I shouldn’t be anyone’s inspiration.
And I don't want to be. That's not my goal or purpose, and it's not something I want to be responsible for.
Certainly not here. Certainly not through this blog.
Because this blog is just me. It is as real and raw as I get.
And sometimes real and raw just can’t always be upbeat and optimistic.
This may sound harsh, but here it is: I don’t write for you. I don’t write for any of you.
I write for me. I started this blog for me. It was my way to get the thoughts and feelings out about this whole mess that I simply couldn’t talk about. It was my method of coping. Sometimes I’m able to laugh about the situation, and sometimes I’m not, but the fact of the matter is; this blog is for me.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I LOVE that you are all here reading. It genuinely means the world to me that anyone would ever care about what I have to say. As an aspiring writer, having thousands of people read my words every day warms my heart.
But make no mistake; I have no agenda. I am going to write what I am thinking and feeling on any given day with little to no thought about what my readers may be hoping to see. That’s just the truth. I’m not writing for you, and so please know that my feelings will not ever be hurt if you decide that what you find here is no longer working for you and it’s time to move on.
It’s inevitable that this blog will grow and change as I too face different hurdles and challenges, but there is one thing I can promise you will never change; this blog will always be me. It will always be my heart, my thoughts, and my feelings. Nothing more and nothing less. I will not posture or pretend to be someone I’m not, and I will not exaggerate or expand upon stories and feelings in order to generate readers and clicks. That’s not me and that’s not my purpose.
I can promise you that you will always find me here, but as is true of life; sometimes you may not like who you find. I won’t apologize for that, and I won’t ask you to either. If you don’t like what you see here anymore, you are under no obligations at all to stick around. The people who care about me and love me and know my heart? They will always be here. And at the end of the day, that really is all that matters. I have no aspirations for fame or fortune; no drive to be better than anyone else; nothing compelling me to be Suzy Sunshine all the time.
But when I am letting my optimism shine through - you can guarantee it's legit. You can know that I'm not putting on a show just to please the masses.
You can trust in it.
I’m just me. The me who sometimes has bad days and hurt feelings. The me who is still struggling to deal with a challenge that some days seems too hard to bare. The me who still attempts to find the humor wherever she can, and who will never stop looking for the light; even when she feels surrounded by the dark.
I’m just me. I’m OK with that, but you don’t have to be.
And I’ll be OK with that too.
ADSPACE
