I think I’m ready to get off this ride.
The ups and downs are literally starting to make me nauseous.
A friend who has been through this a time or two keeps telling me that this is all like a rollercoaster; that there is no easy sailing for anyone who gets on.
And I’m beginning to believe her.
I would swear to you I’m ovulating right now. I have all the symptoms I have had in the past when I’ve ovulated, but logically I know that’s not possible. I am taking the shots every morning to keep ovulation from occurring, so there is just no way…
Right?
Ovulation would obviously be a bad thing. If those little eggs released on their own, there would be no retrieving them for insemination. They would just be lost.
This cycle would be over.
I started to call the doctor’s office, but then I realized there really wasn’t any point. I have an appointment first thing tomorrow morning, and it’s already 4:30 here. There is nothing they can really do about it if I am anyway.
So instead, I wait. Anticipating the worst, but hoping for the best.
Praying that my mind is just playing tricks on me and that I’m really not as in tune with my body as I like to think I am.
I never really was a girl who liked rides though. Something about a contraption designed to make you go up and down and all around that has been put together by very fallible men just never set well with me.
And if people can die at Disneyland, there is no way you can convince me that rides are safe anywhere.
I prefer to be on the ground looking up at my friends who are far more brave than I. Eating my candied apple and waiting for the ride part to be over so that we can go look at all the fair booths.
But here I am; experiencing the ups and downs and all arounds. On a rollercoaster where I really thought all the anticipation was going to be in getting to the top; to the point I’m at now.
Little did I know that the twists and turns after the dip are what will really make you sick.
Infertility is like a bad theme park, and IVF is the scariest ride of all; the one that takes far too many tickets in order to experience the joy of pissing yourself in fear.
And I want to get off.
I'm ready to be done.
I don't like the fear.
But I have a feeling there are still a few more bends in the road, and I’m just going to have to strap myself in tight and get through.
Because I can get through.
I may just have to squeeze my eyes extra tight.
And force myself to believe that it will all end well.
ADSPACE
