Strength.
It’s something that is incredibly important to me.
Something that I pride myself on.
Something that hasn’t really come into play here at all.
When I was in Seattle, my friend B-Face was telling me at lunch one day how strong I am. How she had been sharing my story with a co-worker and they had both discussed my strength.
I kind of had to laugh and shake my head, because none of this is about strength. She was saying how impressive it was that I was taking this all on by myself, but my point to her was: what else was I supposed to do?
Crumble?
Wallow in self pity?
Give up?
It’s not really about strength; it’s about survival. When life gives you circumstances you don’t like, you have two choices. You can give up, or you can fight it.
I’ve just never been great at giving up.
But taking this path; choosing to pursue single motherhood by all means necessary rather than succumbing to my circumstances; it was the only choice as far as I was concerned. It hasn’t been easy, and I have definitely had the mini breakdowns along the way (and I am sure there will be even more moving forward), but I’m not sure I had any other choice. When I look back over the time I was trying to decide what to do, I don't think there were ever really any other viable options. I mean, sure, I considered it all; but I don’t think any of the answers held the weight that this one did.
I knew I had to try. I knew I would never forgive myself if I didn’t at least make this one last ditch attempt to conceive and carry a child inside of me.
I knew there were no other options.
I am not now, nor have I ever been someone who is great at giving up. And I really don’t do self pity all that well either. I definitely have my moments, but for the most part I do think you can choose how you react to the situations in your life. I don’t think anyone is ever just screwed out of the life they want without having options to repair the damage. I think we all have it within us to mold our circumstances.
And knowing that, believing it, means that to me there are no other options beyond fighting for what I want; no matter what.
But I don’t think that has anything to do with strength; I think it has to do with self preservation. If my two options are to take the road less traveled and face the unknown, or to break down and crumble under my own depression; I will choose the first every time. Mostly because I don’t think I’m strong enough to sit around feeling sorry for myself all the time.
And as I wait (hoping, praying, and believing in that little embie in me now) I admittedly feel less than strong. I feel as though my hopes and dreams are riding on one tiny little cluster of cells. I feel so invested it almost isn’t even funny.
I don’t feel strong; I feel dependent.
But, I know that no matter what I’ll find my way out of even this, because that’s what you have to do. Regardless of what life hands you, you have to keep fighting and striving and surviving.
Because that’s the only choice. Because that’s what this life is all about. There isn’t one of us who doesn’t have struggles or pain or hurt. You can either wallow in that or recognize that you are not alone and that there are always options.
I just choose to see the options.
I choose to fight.
I choose to do whatever needs to be done to get the life I want and believe I deserve.
Like I said though: It’s not about strength; it’s about self preservation.
ADSPACE
