I’ve been working half days this week.
It was the best I could do.
We’re in the middle of board meetings, and I really did need to be available.
As much as I would have preferred to stay in bed hibernating.
I think it’s been good though. The best of both words. I’ve had the extra time I’ve needed to sleep and cry and hide out, but I’ve also had to force myself to be present and coherent; showered and functional for 4 hours a day.
Only 4 hours. 4 Hours where I have had to think about and focus on something other than the fact that I am not pregnant. 4 Hours where I have had to fight back the tears and be as professional as possible.
Today is the first 4 hours I managed to pull that off. Today is the first day I laughed a real laugh with a coworker and focused only on my job.
Or at least, managed to think a little less about the life that isn’t growing inside of me.
Today is the day I realized that I can do this. I can put the pieces back together. I can figure out the next step. I can think past this one devastating moment in time.
Today is also the day I realized that I haven’t eaten. Like, at all. In the last 3 days, I don’t think I have had much more than a few pieces of fruit.
I realized this when a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts was placed on my desk, and I ate one, after another, after another.
I ate more than half the box.
Not exactly the healthiest first meal, but it was the kick in the butt I needed to remember that I do need to eat. I need to be healthy. I need to take care of me.
And along those same lines, I came to the conclusion that the first thing I need to do right now is determine how to treat my endometriosis from here. I need to figure this out immediately in fact. I need a plan of action. Had I gotten pregnant it wouldn’t be a concern, because pregnancy actually suppresses endometriosis. But I didn’t get pregnant, and now I do need to be worried about this raging disease inside of me.
Part of my big fear is the fact that I am honestly convinced that my endometriosis was so aggressive in part due to the hormones I put into my body when I donated my eggs. The same hormones I put into my body for this round of IVF.
I know there are doctors who would argue this point with me, but those are the same doctors who will also tell me that my endometriosis is the most aggressive case they have ever seen, without any explanation as to why. The timing just doesn’t add up for me. Let’s get real: endometriosis thrives off of estrogen, and the drugs I was literally injecting myself with work by increasing my hormone levels. I had never had any issues in my entire life prior to that, and I was deemed reproductively fit enough to donate my eggs not once, but twice in the course of 1 year. My body was subjected to a month of hormone treatments each time, followed by surgery that involved sticking needles in my ovaries to suck out the available eggs. 6 months after my second donation I started having excrutiating periods, 8 months later my period stopped entirely, and less than a year and a half later I was having my first surgery to remove endometriosis. By that point, it was already everywhere.The timing is just too much for me to ignore. I truly believe my donations can at least be blamed for kicking my endo into high gear.
Now, don’t get me wrong; I do not regret donating my eggs. Even now, after a failed cycle, I refuse to regret helping another family achieve this dream I now share with them. And I also don’t think my donations caused my endo. When I found out last year that both my mother and grandmother had needed hysterectomies because of endo (a fact I had previously been unaware of due to my mothers absence in my life), I knew that this had probably always been an underlying condition. I had been on the pill for so long though; I just think it never really had a chance to manifest. After those donations, I think the beast was unleashed.
So no, I do not think my donations caused my endo, but I do think they are to blame for it becoming so aggressive.
Which leaves me where I’m at now, wondering what I can do to avoid another dramatic flare-up after essentially putting my body through the same hormones and procedures that led to the first.
This is something I can focus on right now. This is something I can combat. This is something I can fight against.
I think I’ve decided I want to see a naturopath. My insurance doesn’t cover it, and I have no idea how much it will cost, but I think it’s worth while to hear someone else out. I’m more than a little burnt out on Western Medicine for the time being, which leaves me thinking that it might be time to put my fate completely into the hands of the other side for a while.
See what it is they have to offer me.
And this is where I’m at right now. Finding myself a project to focus on, and a cause to throw myself into. Choosing to combat the endo rather than the infertility for a little while. Making it my main priority to avoid another endo surgery anytime in the near future, because really? I’m tired of being cut open.
My endo has the ability to spread extremely quickly, and for now this is the battle I’m choosing to fight, because it’s the one I have the heart to focus on.
I’ll figure the rest out when the time is right.
When my focus is able to shift.
When my heart can handle it.
ADSPACE
