I called an old friend and sobbed out the words I had been dreading saying; I'm losing the pregnancy.
Even as I said them, I didn't really know if they were the right words. Am I really losing the pregnancy? Was there ever a pregnancy to lose?
But I don't know what else to say, and it feels like I'm losing a baby. It feels like that picture I have on my wall of the embryo I loved is dying.
As I said the words though, my nose started to bleed. Bad. Bad enough that I had to get off the phone because there was just blood everywhere. I never get bloody noses, and I have certainly never had one so bad. It felt like maybe (just maybe) God was trying to give me a message. A message about what real blood looks like. A message that all hope is not lost until He says so.
And it worked. I calmed down and cleaned up the mess and went to bed praying for a miracle.
I woke up with blood running down my legs. Bright red blood that is full of clots.
I don't want to give up hope, but I don't know what else I am supposed to believe right now. Everything hurts. I can't even choke down water. My back is aching, but I'm still afraid to take anything. I'm just.... stuck.
And because I'm a glutton for punishment, I took a test this morning.
I realized that not once have I gotten a real positive. Although, I am beyond pissed at EPT brand pregnancy tests. Yesterdays test got a real second line after about 2 hours. Nothing faint about it. It was there. I realized that's just what this test does; it gives women false hope.
I genuinely hate the makers of EPT.
I want to thank everyone for all the kind thoughts yesterday. I haven't been able to bring myself to respond to most the e-mails or any of the comments, but know I'm getting them. I just... I honestly don't know what to say. Please know that I can't even talk to some of my best friends about this right now. The words aren't right; mine or theirs. It wasn't supposed to happen like this, and I feel like no one can really say the right thing. There is no right thing. I feel like no one can understand what I'm feeling right now, because... how could they?
I can't talk about those embies on ice or how I should still have hope, because I feel like I am literally bleeding out all hope. Hope is dead right now. How am I supposed to put thousands of more dollars that I don't have into another try? Even beyond the money, how am I supposed to put my heart into another try? I just feel like I have nothing left right now, and I don't want to hear about the hope I'm supposed to have. Everyone's situation is different, and there just honestly isn't anything anyone can say to me right now that is going to make me feel better. But please know I do appreciate the sentiment. I know everyone is worried and just wants to send me love. I know everyone thinks they have the right words. I just... I can't have these conversations right now.
I will be fine. I will be fine, because that's what I do; I pick up and I survive. But right now? Today? This week?
It's going to be rough.
Please have patience with me while I work through this. I'll figure it out, but probably not this week. This week it is going to take enough out of me just to keep up with the workload that I honestly can't get out of. It's going to take enough out of me to get up and go to my job, when all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.
It just wasn't supposed to turn out like this.
I'm on my way to my doctor’s appointment now. I'll know for sure one way or another by midday. I'm trying to maintain hope, but with so much blood; I'm just not sure I can hope for much more beyond this being quick.
And after that? I honestly don't know.
I'm just trying to get through today.
