I have a confession to make. I’ve been hiding something from you all. I don’t even really know why, except that I guess I just didn’t think there was anything to tell.
And I was a little embarrassed.
And I felt like I was for sure crazy to even be thinking about doing what I was doing.
I have always had a bit of a prejudice against internet dating. I know a lot of people meet that way, but it’s just never really seemed like my cup of tea. I meet guys just fine, and I was always pretty convinced that the kind of guy I would be attracted to (intelligent, assertive, confident) wouldn’t be the kind of guy who would get on the internet to find a date. I always just figured that the kind of guy I would date is out there, in the real world, asking girls out on a whim as he meets them because he just knows he has something special to offer.
I’ll admit that while I totally get how women could get into internet dating, I’ve never really understood how most men could get into it. I figured they all had something to hide and that the internet in general didn’t have much to offer me in terms of dating potential.
A few things happened to change that opinion recently though; or at least… to get me rethinking my stance.
The first is actually this space here. You see, I was also the kind of person who used to scoff at the idea of making friends online. I have plenty of friends, and I made all of them in real life. Girls who know me, love me, and would stand by me through anything. I simply couldn’t understand how relationships similar to that could ever be formed without meeting face to face, and when I started this blog the thought never occurred to me that I would form real bonds here. Now, I obviously have. The first time I found myself sharing e-mails back and forth with a fellow blogger, I was amazed at how much I felt like I knew her. I was never the kind of girl who would have thought she would become invested in people she had never met, and then... it happened.
Which left me wondering: if I could have been wrong about that, isn’t it possible I could also have been wrong about internet dating?
The other thing that happened is a good friend of mine (a beautiful, intelligent, fun chick) met a man on eHarmony, fell in love, and got married. When I first learned they had met that way, I was shocked. First of all, this is a good looking guy. A confident guy. A straight up just cool guy. Not the kind of guy I would have thought would be online dating to be completely honest. Seeing them together really started to change my opinions though, because they were clearly meant to be; a perfect match. I started to think that if the two of them could find each other online, maybe my opinions about online dating were a little less than accurate.
After the wedding, I think it’s fair to say I was feeling a little deflated. Feeling like the ex and I had finally reached the point of no return was like getting my heart crushed into a thousand tiny pieces. I really thought I had been prepared for this (after all, we have been shaky at best for the last year), but that final moment of realization that we were never going to figure things out was crippling. And let me just tell you, I don’t do well with being taken out by my emotions like that. I’ve said it before and I will say it again; I am not a wallow in self pity kind of girl. So, when I have a few days of just straight up depression like I did those first few days in Seattle, I start grasping at straws trying to find ways to pull myself out of whatever mess it is I’m in. In this case, I was alone in Seattle about to embark on the biggest journey I’ve ever taken in my entire life while also trying to nurture a broken heart. I spent a lot of time by myself in my hotel room, and I think it was a combination of boredom and sheer frustration over the time I had wasted with the ex that led me to sign up for eHarmony.
Yep. You read that right. I signed up for an online dating site WHILE I was in Seattle trying to make a baby.
That’s the crazy part.
I’ll tell you the truth though: I honestly didn’t think I would be meeting anyone “special”. I only signed up for the month plan, assuming that I would be pregnant by the end of that month and dating would be off limits for the next year or more. I just… I wanted to see what was out there. I wanted to maybe send some flirtatious e-mails back and forth and remind myself that the ex wasn’t the only guy on the planet. Plus, I wanted something to fill my days as I tried to distract myself from the huge thing I had going on in my real life.
And you know what? After a few days I did actually start to feel better. I wasn’t really all that interested in any of the guys I was “matched” with, but it was nice to see what new options I had every day and it was fun to weed through what was there. I felt like I was in the drivers seat again, and that’s kind of what I had been hoping for all along. Not that there would be some amazing love affair that would come out of the deal; just that I would find enough healing to stop bemoaning the loss of the future I thought the ex and I had. I just wanted to get to a point where I could forget about him and truly focus on what was important; the baby at the end of this road.
I didn’t say anything here, because like I said; there wasn’t really anything to tell. And beyond that, I was a little embarrassed; both because I think I still have my own prejudices about internet dating, and because I knew my timing was insane.
I got home from Seattle, and I was more or less ready to put the kibosh on the eHarmony profile. As far as I was concerned, it had served its purpose and now it was time for me to move on and let my focus return to what mattered most; the budding little embryo inside of me.
I was all ready to pull the plug, until early this week when I logged on and had a new match.
An intriguing match.
A match that actually made me pause and go “hmmmmm”.
And, I have been a little more excited to hear from him every day.
Last night as I was reading his e-mail, it is possible that I may have even had some butterflies.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not over the moon or gushing just yet, I just think he seems like someone I would definitely be interested in if I had met him out and about... And it's been a long time since I've had a genuine interest in anyone besides the ex.
This guy is pretty much my type to a T. He is funny and sarcastic; intelligent and perceptive. His e-mails totally get me cracking up, and he has already picked up on some of my quirks. I am guessing he is going to ask me out on a date any day now, and I’m actually really excited to meet him in person.
Except…
There just so happens to be a tiny little dilemma.
I really do think I’m pregnant.
(and even if I’m not, let’s be real – I am going to be devastated and nowhere near in the mood to be going out and getting to know someone who has no idea what I’m going through - if I'm not pregnant, I'm guessing my interest in dating is going to be pretty squished for a while anyway)
When I first signed up, I really didn’t think much about how what I’m doing would enter into the dating process. Like I said, I honestly didn’t even think there would be anyone worthy of meeting. Even if there were though, I kind of just assumed that what they didn’t know couldn’t hurt them. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, and just assumed that none of these guys would be around long enough for what was going on inside of my belly to matter.
But this guy? I have a feeling if I went out with him, I would just want to go out with him again and again.
Which does create a bit of a problem.
I don’t necessarily want to say anything to him before I know for sure, because that would just be far too dramatic if it turned out I wasn’t actually pregnant (can you imagine - the big confession that then turns into the big breakdown). But, I have a feeling I will find out for sure here very soon, and I just can’t imagine going on a date with this guy knowing that I’m pregnant without actually telling him.
It just seems like it would be deceitful. Like I couldn’t ever own up to the truth after that, because it would feel like I had tricked him in the first place.
So as of right now my plan is to wait until I have that positive test before telling him anything. As soon as that test comes through though, I think I’m going to have to spill all - via e-mail of course, so that I don't have to see the look on his face!
I’m still trying to work out how exactly I would word it, but I’m thinking something fairly abbreviate where I just tell him my history and then let him know that I hadn’t wanted to delete my account before I knew for sure, but that things have obviously changed now. I was thinking I would tell him that I would totally understand if he had no interest in dating me now, but that I think he’s a really cool guy and I would still love to get together and be friends… see where it goes from there.
Quite the little pickle though, isn’t it?
I must admit that I never thought I would be dealing with this little question of dating ethics at the same time I was waiting on my big fat positive, but it has been a nice distraction. I’m not counting on anything to really come out of this, because I’m not sure most guys would be too comfortable with starting to date a woman at the beginning of her pregnancy, but in the interim…
The butterflies haven't been anything to complain about.
ADSPACE
