I am going to take a leap here and say that the hormones are starting to have an effect on me; just not the effect I was expecting.
Sure, I haven’t had to battle extreme nausea, and the bloat just isn’t there (in fact, I think I have actually lost weight over the last few days), but I am clearly a little more emotional than is normal for me.
Or a lot more emotional.
I recognize that I am not coping the way I normally would, and that the straight 24 hours of non-stop tears (because yes, I cried myself to sleep yet again last night) is completely unlike me.
So it must be the hormones.
I got into Seattle last night around 8, and then had to battle the 4th of July traffic. I have been to Seattle a handful of times in the past, but I don’t think I have ever ventured downtown. I definitely found myself beyond lost and unable to find my hotel even though I knew I was within a mile of it. At one point I could even see where I needed to be, but I couldn't figure out how to get there. The roads just weren't cooperating.
The fireworks and spectators everywhere didn’t help with my confusion either, and it was past 11 before I finally opened the door to my room.
I was frustrated with everything, and didn't really go to bed in the best state.
But I woke up this morning and knew I was going to be OK; knew that no matter what, I would survive.
I made my way to my doctor’s appointment extra early, knowing that I would surely get lost on the way there as well (and I did). Then I sat in the lobby waiting to hear my fate.
I had never spoken to the doctor I was meeting with today. The doctor I have been dealing with since last November wound up being on vacation for this week, so knowing someone else would be handling my cycle was a disappointment. I was very comfortable with my original doctor and was anxious to be dealing with someone else.
But it turned out, he was incredible. Kind and warm and understanding of my anxiety.
OK, so he was kind of decent looking too. I may just have a little crush on Dr. L. Which is good – crushes are a good way to ease anxiety for me; except when he is looking at my vagina.
That's a little embarrassing.
We hadn’t been planning on doing another round of blood work and ultrasound until tomorrow (which is technically day 8 of this cycle), but I think he could read my stress over my low levels all over my face. Bless that man, because he decided to move both up to today.
My ultrasound went well, and the follicles have grown since Saturday –which is a good thing. I should have my estrogen levels back this afternoon, so I am just waiting to hear that those have hopefully risen as well.
After the workup, Dr. L sat down to talk me through everything. He really helped to calm my fears; which is what I needed. He explained that so far he wasn’t too concerned about my cycle; he just thought I may be a little slow to get started. He understood my anxiety and worries over this being so different from my donation cycles and he answered all the questions I had. He explained that he really believed my estrogen would rise, and then he talked to me seriously about one embryo versus two; which solidified for me that he does believe this is all going to work out.
And it is officially in my chart that I am opting for a two embryo implantation – assuming there are two to implant.
That is one decision that has been made, and if I am meant to have twins - so be it. I know more now after these initial scares that I would take two babies over none any day.
I left the office feeling more at ease and hoping for good news this afternoon. Either way though, I felt more confident in the doctors abilities to figure this out regardless of what the results show.
So, I took a deep breath and I drove around downtown Seattle a bit, attempting to get my bearings sooner than later.
I found a Trader Joes, and for those of you who know me – you know that one of the things I miss the most about San Diego is Trader Joes. I stocked up on all sorts of healthy snacks and meals for the hotel, knowing full well that there is no way I could survive off of takeout during this stay. At least not without feeling disgusting!
I drove around some more and started to really like Seattle. In the light of day it is quite pretty, and I love all the little coffee shops everywhere.
I realized about mid-morning that I was breathing again. That I hadn’t cried once today yet. That I am going to be OK – no matter what.
God has my hand right now, and He is going to get me through this. The hormones are probably going to knock me down more than once over these next few weeks, and I am sure my heart is going to sink again – but I am still me; I am still a survivor. Whatever is thrown at me over the next few weeks, I will overcome.
In the meantime I think I am going to spend the next few days pretty holed up. I’m definitely feeling a bit over stimulated after this weekend, and as though I could sleep for weeks. I have over 200 e-mails awaiting my attention, and I'm a little overwhelmed at the work I need to catch up on. I am suddenly so grateful that I am here alone, because I know I need some space to breathe right now. I had friends who had offered to come stay with me, and I know my dad would be here in hours if I asked him – but this time to be alone with my thoughts is exactly what the doctor ordered.
It's the time I need to heal and refocus.
And when I am ready for some adult interaction again, my friend B-Face is in town ready and waiting to keep my smiling.
This is going to be a good trip with a good outcome.
And I am going to come home pregnant.
I know it.
ADSPACE
