I am strong. I am capable. I am ready.
I am also human, and sometimes those pesky emotions just sneak up on me out of nowhere.
Last night, I admittedly had a bit of a mini-breakdown. It’s almost humorous now, but when I woke up next to a pile of Kleenexes and with a raging headache – I didn’t find it so amusing.
I am not a girl who cries herself to sleep. I am not a girl who laments her life. I am not a girl who feels sorry for herself.
But last night, I was all those girls.
I don’t even really know what happened. I’ve had a bottle of wine sitting on my kitchen counter for the last 6 months. I’m not much for drinking by myself anymore (although, there was a time in my life when I was – not gonna lie!) and I kept thinking I was saving it for a special occasion since it was a nice bottle. Well, last night it dawned on me that starting Monday there will hopefully be no occasions to enjoy a glass of wine for at least a year. I decided to pop open my lovely bottle of wine and treat myself this one last time.
I only had one glass. Just one.
I was watching America’s Got Talent (yes, I have traded in the wild and crazy Friday nights of my past for nights with my DVR!) and there were these two sisters who had cystic fibrosis. I can’t even tell you when I started crying, but it was no more than the first 20 seconds of them introducing themselves. I don’t know why they struck such a cord with me, but they certainly had the tears flowing quickly.
And then it was like the flood gates were opened. I am here to tell you that I am not typically an emotional girl. In fact, I tend to shut down rather than allow my emotions to show. I know that isn’t healthy, but I am just not a girl who curls up into a ball and cries.
Typically.
But boy oh boy did I cry last night. Once it started, I couldn’t stop. It was like all the emotions of this adventure hit at once, and I just lost it. I felt very lonely (very alone), and kept telling myself that I was having to choose between being a mother and being in love – that I would never have both. I knew that being a mother was what I would choose every time, but I felt like I was grieving the possibility of ever falling in love and getting married.
Obviously I know this was illogical thinking. Single mothers fall in love and get married all the time. It is not one or the other, and I am not giving up on love.
But last night? Last night, for whatever reason, I felt like I would always be alone. Like once this baby(ies) came, I would never want to or be able to date again. Like I would never trust anyone enough with the hearts of my children, so therefore I would never have a chance to really find someone for myself.
It was pathetic really. A complete breakdown.
But then it just got worse. I started thinking about what would happen if this didn’t work, and I really went over the deep end. I couldn’t breathe. I was just sobbing too hard. I felt like this bomb hit me as I realized that if this doesn’t work, I don’t know if I will be OK. I am actually very fearful right now about what my reaction will be if there is no BFP. If my only shot doesn’t work.
Thinking about it turned me into a complete wreck.
I finally managed to pick up the phone and call two of my oldest and dearest friends. They both talked me down and reminded me how not alone I am; how incredible my support system actually is; how much love I really do have in my life. They both got me breathing again, and focusing on reality versus this dark twisted version of the truth I had spun myself into.
And B-Face (yes, I do actually call her that, and have for years) even did me one better; she told me she is trying to get to Seattle next week so she can be there for me.
This girl is a total transient. I very rarely ever even call her, because I never know from one week to the next where she is or what she is doing. I wait for her to call me and give updates on her adventures, and I am always amazed by what she is up to. We aren’t even talking traveling around the country; this girl is constantly traveling around the world.
There was a time I was actually envious of her lifestyle, but in the last year especially I have started to crave settled; I have learned to love owning a home and having roots.
Still – the adventures of B-Face always make me smile.
Well, she applied for a temporary job working on a yacht in Seattle, and if she gets it she will be there the entire time I am.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much this news calmed me down. I don’t think I realized until that moment how lonely it felt to be going there by myself. How much it left me wishing I would have someone there to hold my hand through this.
And if that someone can’t be the man of my dreams, B-Face is the next best thing.
Plus, she is also a licensed massage therapist, and she made me all kinds of promises of the work she will do to keep me calm, cool, and collected.
And we all know how I feel about massages!
Today I woke up and I poured out the rest of that special bottle of wine. It was a sad thing to do (since it really is one of my favorite bottles) but I see no good coming out of finishing it. I think it is pretty clear that right now I need to keep my head from getting too cloudy, because just that one glass had me thinking all kinds of irrational.
And there are too many emotions swimming around in my heart right now to allow the irrational in.
I spoke to Mrs. King this morning, and when I told her that what had triggered it all was an act on America's Got Talent, her first words were "It was the cystic fibrosis girls, wasn't it!" That made me feel a little better. At least I'm not the only person those incredible girls brought to emotional heights.
There may have been a breakdown.
But today I’m back in action and ready to take on what comes next.
I think maybe I just needed a good cry now, because there won’t be room for it later.
No more tears from here on out.
Just shots, retrievals, implantations, and a big fat positive.
ADSPACE
