I caved. I finally invested in a pair of Spanx.
I bought myself a modern day girdle.
When I donated my eggs, I bloated up both cycles to the size of a woman who was 3 or 4 months pregnant… literally. I was actually asked one day at work how far along I was. That’s how real this little faux baby bump I was sporting looked.
At the time, I didn’t really mind. I knew it was only temporary (within two weeks of both my retrievals I was back to having that flat little belly my 23/24 year old self coveted), and I wasn’t really doing anything with my life where I cared too much what people thought about my little pooch. I mean, I wasn’t exactly fond of it, but it didn’t really bother me either.
Suddenly though, I feel as though I’m going to be self conscious about that bump once I start my hormone routine. The extra stomach fat the Lupron had me carrying this last 6 months was bad enough, but this will be worse. I will actually look and feel pregnant.
And there is this part of me that knows that if I don’t get pregnant, I won’t want to look back on pictures where I looked like I was.
While I’m in Seattle I doubt I will care much, as I fully intend to live in sweats and not put any product at all in my hair for that two weeks… that’s just how I think I’ll roll. But stuffing myself into business attire the week before, and then pulling off a dress at the wedding is another story. I knew neither endeavor would be enjoyable for me as long as I was carrying the equivalent of a few bottles of water around my middle.
So, I caved and invested in my first ever pair of Spanx. It was a difficult decision and it felt like admitting that my mid-section will never again be what it once was (and realistically, if I find myself pregnant next month it likely won’t.) I am not a girl who even likes to wear socks (too cumbersome) – so stuffing myself into a body suit does not sound the least bit enjoyable. But, I determined it was time.
I can’t let it all hang loose forever.
I did my research on the best style to get for my body, and then found myself stuck because my height and weight landed me directly in between two sizes. I opted for the smaller one, assuming that getting a loose pair of Spanx would kind of defeat the purpose. And now I wait… anxiously anticipating the arrival of my new old lady underwear.
But before the goods have even arrived, Spanx has taken to e-mailing me. Numerous times. Over and over again with offers and other product lines.
It’s as if they are mocking me; like they want to make sure I know I have now become a girl who wears control top panties.
And trust me, I know. I do not need the reminder.
It’s kind of like when Facebook continuously shows me advertisements for dating sites; forever making me want to change my status to “married” just so that they'll get off my back. Or how Kotex sent me samples; leaving me standing there at the mailbox wondering if it was a cruel joke to highlight the lack of my period.
I was actually tempted to write them a letter letting them know that I already had a surplus of feminine hygiene products that I would likely never make it through due to endometriosis which has broken my lady parts beyond repair. So thanks for the free samples, but no thanks.
I refrained though.
When I got an e-mail from Spanx today that showed off a new line meant just for pregnant women, I had to put my foot down.
I almost never attempt to figure out how to be taken off mailing lists. It is typically too much work, when it is so much easier to hit the “spam” button and be done with it. But today I had to do it; I had to remove myself from the Spanx mailing list.
It is one thing to assist me in hiding my sans baby-baby bump, but now they want me to conceal my actual baby bump as well?
Well “No” I say! I will have fought long and hard for that baby bump, and the last thing I will do is squish it down into non-existence or shape it out into a more appealing mound of flesh. I will wear my baby bump with pride thank you very much. I might even just be tempted to roll around town in a bikini, just so that everyone can see how round and fleshy I have become.
Of course, by the time I'm actually sporting a bump for real there will probably be snow on the ground at the start of one of our long Alaskan winters.
But you get the point.
Spanx needs to back off the baby bumps.
ADSPACE
