I think there is a misconception about adoption in our society. I think most people assume that it is an easy way for anyone to bring home a baby and live happily ever after.
I think most people are clueless.
Sandra Bullock and Jesse James were in the adoption process for 4 years. 4 years! And they’re famous. And rich.
Adoption is a lot of things, but it is not easy. It is not the quick go-to method for an instant family. It just doesn’t work like that.
Yet people tend to jump straight there. It is the natural reaction upon hearing about my situation. “Why not just adopt?” I have heard it so many times I can’t even tell you. Even Chatty jumped immediately there during our little talk on the subject. Before I told her of my plans, but just as I was finishing telling her about my endometriosis she said "Well, at least you can always adopt!" As though that solved everything.
As though adoption could take away all my hurt and worries about infertility.
We, as a society, seem to believe that adoption should be the easy answer for an infertile woman.
I have been told that adoption would be cheaper (wrong), quicker (wrong again), and that my infertility is God’s way of telling me that I am meant to adopt (Seriously? When did God start telling you what he wants me to do?)
I don’t think people mean to be cruel. When one of my closest friends rubbed her pregnant belly (baby number 2) as she told me that if she were me she wouldn’t be upset by infertility at all because she would just adopt; it felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest. She didn’t mean to hurt me, but she tore my heart out.
You can't tell me that you know exactly what you would do if you were in my shoes, when you have never been in my shoes.
You can't tell me that infertility wouldn't hurt you, when you've been able to conceive and give birth with no issues.
You can't tell me that, because you don't know. You have no idea.
There are some things you just can't understand until you've been there. Even when you have been there, your experience is your own. It's not indicative of what someone else may feel or need. I'm not naive enough to believe that IVF is the best option for every single infertile female out there; it's just the best option for me. Adoption may be the best option for someone else, but for me, right now; what I'm doing is the best choice.
I am sensitive. When people suggest I adopt, there is this part of me that bristles up and feels the need to defend my decision. The need to explain that adoption would actually cost me more than IVF. Or that the likelihood of my getting a child as a single mother isn’t great. Or that even if I did get a child, I would never get an infant.
And why am I not allowed to want an infant? At least now, with my life where it's at, why is it somehow wrong to say I want a baby?
But really, what it comes down to more than any of that is the fact that I want to carry a child. I want to feel my baby growing and kicking inside of me. I want to nurture that child with everything I’ve got from the day it is conceived. I want to labor until I feel like I can't take anymore, and than I want to hold my baby.
I just want to try.
Is there really something so wrong with that? With that desire to at least try? Other women get to try. Fertile women don’t typically jump straight to adoption. Why is it assumed that infertile women should?
Adoption is a beautiful thing, and it is likely in my future. I am meant to be a mother, and I know now that I will never be able to birth as many children as I would actually want. I recognize that this is probably my only chance at pregnancy. I can see a future where I adopt a home full of children, of all different ages and needs. I’ve never in my life met a child I didn’t connect with, and in many ways I probably am meant to adopt.
But I still want to try. Without judgment or questions. Without assumptions that others may know what’s best for me.
I am sensitive when people suggest adoption to me, because I put meaning behind their words that is likely not there. I wonder if they really think I haven’t considered that option. If they really think I am so lost in my own world that it never crossed my mind.
And I wonder if they think I am selfish for wanting to birth a child. For wanting a child that is loved and nurtured inside of me from the very beginning.
I’m trying not to be so sensitive.
I know that people don’t mean to hurt my feelings.
That they are actually genuinely concerned.
That they think they have a better option for me.
But the best option for me (and for my baby to be) is the one I'm doing right now.
The best option, is to try.
ADSPACE
