To The Girl I Used To Be

For as long as I can remember, my biggest worry in having girls is how I would help them to avoid the dangerous paths I myself took. From a young age I started to really hate myself. Granted, I was receiving messages within in my own home that I should hate myself, but I fully embraced those messages. I caused a lot of damage to myself and I placed that younger version of me in precarious situations. I allowed myself to believe that I was worthless; that I didn’t deserve good in this life. The sad thing is that I have seen many girls fall into the same traps, even without the messages inside their own homes. The messages our girls receive out in the real world are horrific. They are told they are not good enough; not skinny enough; not pretty enough; not smart enough. They are taught that in order to deserve better, they must attain perfection. We set them up for failure from day one.

My fears about having daughters are the direct result of the way I treated myself; of the way I allowed myself to be treated. I have spent countless hours wondering how to help my daughters stay away from the dangerous thought processes I succumbed to. So when I heard about the “In My Daughters Eyes” Project at Pink Moss, I immediately knew I wanted to participate. The project involves 100 letters written by women to that 12 year old version of themselves. It promises to be a culmination of experiences that could speak to anyone; to any girl young or old. I think it is a brilliant plan, and am infinitely impressed by Janae, the project coordinator.

I wanted nothing more than to be able to participate. The problem was, what do I say to a little girl who is about to face so much trauma? I have never hidden the fact that my childhood was not easy. There are girls who have it so much worse, but there are also girls who have it so much better. I lost a lot in those years, and speaking to that child inside of me is still a difficult task to imagine. I’m not sure I captured even half of what I would really want to say to her, but I’m also not really sure there are words that are strong enough to reassure that little girl. Knowing she made it through did make composing this letter easier, but it is still one of the more painful things I’ve ever written.

So to that 12 year old version of me; I wish nothing more than for you to read this with your heart wide open.



To the girl I used to be:

Being a little girl is hard. When you don’t feel loved or wanted, it is even harder. To that 12 year old version of myself, there is so much I want to tell you; so much I want to say.

I want to warn you to avoid certain avenues and mistakes, but if I did you wouldn’t end up where you’re going now, and I’m here to tell you; where you’re going is pretty special. Out of even your biggest mistakes, you will manage to take away blessings. There are lessons that are learned and people who will prove their value in your life. So rather than tell you what steps to avoid, I’ll tell you only this; you are going to have a beautiful life. Even when things seem like they will never get better, they will. Even when you feel as though you have messed up so badly that no one will ever love you or stick by you; you will be wrong. Your life is going to be surrounded by those who love you and those who will always be there to help pull you back up. No matter how many times you fall; you will survive.

I’m not going to lie and say that you will have it easy, because you won’t. Life is going to throw challenges your way that no child should ever have to face. You are going to feel lost, and alone, and unwanted. You are going to strive for perfection, thinking that if you could just change certain things about yourself people would stay; they would love you. Unfortunately, you are going to learn the hard way that perfection is never possible. That doesn’t mean it’s your fault though. The people who will hurt you (really anyone who would hurt a child) are not good people. The person who will hurt you the most has nothing good to offer you anyway. I wish I could tell you not blame yourself for her hatred towards you, but I know I can’t; I know you will.

Years will be lost hating yourself, and all I can do now is plead with you to recognize that none of what is about to happen to you will be your fault. In the end, everything will work out for the best, but much will be lost in the interim. The abuse that you will have to face isn’t because of anything you’ve done, but you are still going to feel as though you deserve it; as though you really are as useless as you’ve been told. I would love to plead with you not to punish yourself the way you will. I would love to beg you to stay away from the hurt you will inflict upon yourself. It will become a cycle. A cycle where you will put yourself into horrific positions and then tell yourself you’ve gotten exactly what you’ve deserved when things go the only way they could possibly go. I wish you could realize now that when you hurt yourself, you are only hurting yourself. No one else will feel that pain, and no one will come to your rescue except for you.

Your life will not truly be worth living until you make it so. The longer you spend waiting for someone to clean up the rubble and blaming those from your past, the longer you will be unhappy and alone. Please try to remember that you are not the only one who has ever been hurt. As hard as it is to believe now; everyone in life endures the same pain you have felt, just at different places and times. What really marks an outstanding person is their reaction to that hurt. You cannot avoid a broken heart, but you can choose how you mend it. You can decide whether to let it crush you, or to allow it to make you stronger.

The sooner you choose to be strong, the sooner you will find happiness.

All these things I can warn you of now, but I also know how it felt then. I know the pain you endured, and my heart breaks for that little girl. You were robbed of the childhood you should have been given. You were told you weren’t good enough, you weren’t wanted, and you would never amount to anything. You tried so hard to be perfect, and you were often left feeling like a failure. But you weren’t a failure, and you deserved more.

A lesson you will have to learn is that sometimes we don’t get what we deserve. Sometimes we have to keep fighting, even when life isn’t going our way.

You will learn that lesson. You will grow to be strong. And beautiful. And capable. You will be shocked when you allow yourself to recognize just how much you are capable of. You will be astounded at your own strength and beauty. Because you are beautiful. No matter how many times you tell yourself you aren’t; you have so much beauty to offer this world little girl.

You will learn to love yourself, even when you think it’s impossible; even when you think you don’t deserve the love of anyone. You will persevere. You will survive the moments in your life when you will wish for death, and you will come out the other side stronger and better because of it.

But it won’t be easy. The next 10 years in front of you will be harder than you can even imagine now. You will lose everything that ever mattered to you; including your self respect. You will have to rebuild from the ground up, but you can do it. It would be so much easier if you didn’t waste the years hating and blaming yourself, but no matter what; you can do it.

The one thing I would love to urge you to do is learn how to love. It is going to seem so easy to cut off your heart once you are injured enough, but fight to keep it open. Fight to keep loving yourself and freely loving others. If you don’t, it will be that much harder to learn how to love again. You may miss out on some truly incredible people in your life if you can’t learn how to keep your heart open to love. You deserve a happily ever after, but you’re going to have to fight your urge to protect your heart in order to have it. Doing so will go against every one of your natural instincts, but it will be worth it in the end. Remembering to love is what it will take to continue loving yourself.

When all is said and done, what it will come down to is remembering that you do not deserve the things that are about to happen to you. Sometimes things happen in life that we cannot control, and sometimes children are hurt in ways they should never be. But you do not deserve this, and you are loved. No matter how lost and alone you feel, there is one person in this world who will always love you; throughout everything He is with you. Weeping for your hurts, and sobbing as you hurt yourself. Seek out God, sooner than later. Find solace in His love and remember that this is not the life He chose for you. He has much better planned for you and your life; you just have to rely on Him to get you through this next part. Don’t ever allow yourself to forget that He is there, hurting alongside you and ready to raise you from the fallout as soon as you are capable of being guided away.

Don’t allow yourself to forget His Presence. That you are not alone.

And you are not unloved.