I’ve been anxious this last week, especially about finances. When I made this decision back in January, I knew I was going to need to figure out how to bring more money in. And I have. I am making more money every single month from my writing.
But it still isn’t enough.
It still isn’t what I would need to be able to pull all this off, and my debt is mounting.
It is scary. I have been financially responsible my entire life. I have great credit and have never bitten off more than I can chew. But the mounting costs involved in this have me pausing and wondering if I know what I’m doing.
I have a doctor’s appointment this week that includes an ultrasound and other workups I need done. It has all been ordered by Seattle Reproductive Medicine, and will therefore all be charged to infertility; which my insurance does not cover. I’m expecting it to be an almost $1000 appointment.
It just adds up.
I’ve been dipping into the line of credit on my house to pay for the expenses I don’t have the money on hand for. That's embarrassing for me to admit in this space.
I haven’t wanted to talk about finances here for two reasons: 1) I haven’t wanted people to judge me and assume I can’t handle this and 2) I haven’t wanted anyone to think I was asking for handouts. I’ve had a few people ask if there is a way they could make donations to this journey for me, and I am adamantly against it. I love the kindness of people for even thinking of that, but my pride would never allow me to accept donations from people. I feel like there are too many true causes out there that need financial support (and really – if you want to donate to me, please donate to endometriosis research instead!), and I don’t think my drive to be a mother is something that should be funded by others.
If I can’t do it myself, I shouldn’t be doing it.
I am confident it will all work out, but there is still that sick feeling in my stomach as I see those numbers add up.
Nothing about this is cheap.
So, I’ve been fretting quite a bit. Wondering and worrying and questioning what else I could give up to help fund this venture. Trying to figure out what other jobs I could take on or how I could take my writing to the next level.
It has been scary.
But not as scary as the thought of losing my chance to carry a child because of something as inconsequential as money.
Today's church sermon felt like it was speaking to me and my worries as of late.
Our Pastor has gotten prophetic on a few occasions, and it always catches me a little off guard. He will stop what he is doing and say The Holy Spirit is moving him to say something. A few times what he has said has spoken to me and a few times it hasn’t; but every time it gives me chills.
Today he stopped and said he felt as though someone was lingering at an open door. That they were peaking through the crack desiring to walk through, but hesitating for fear of being let down. He said that person should push the door open and walk through. That on the other side they would be taken care of and provided for; that there was great joy to be had for taking this risk.
He then went on to say that God was working a plan in this woman’s life (yes, at that point he went from saying “person” to “woman”) and that while it may seem impossible at times, he would finish that plan out and seal his work. That the impossible was going to become possible with faith.
At so many points along this journey I have felt as though doors have opened for me. When I was struggling with making the decision of what to do, I continuously felt pulled towards IVF. As much as my logical side tried to talk me out of it, the answers I kept getting after my prayers were that I had to try.
I just had to try.
Since then I have felt confidence along multiple parts of this path. I have felt guided and supported and as though I was absolutely walking in the right direction.
So why am I questioning whether or not I will be able to handle the financial burden? With one word, God can change everything. He can present opportunities I may not even have contemplated. He can turn everything around so that what has seemed so impossible suddenly becomes a reality.
I need to work on putting my faith in that. On trudging forward and still doing everything in my power to make this happen, but also on trusting in God to provide. Trusting in Him to guide me where I need to be.
So with a big gulp I am going to push open that door and walk through.
I am going to let go of the fear and uncertainty.
I am going to embrace this decision.
And I am going to trust in the magic that is on the other side.
ADSPACE
