I am in a crap mood.
There’s no real explanation for it, I just am. Ever since I woke up this morning I have felt… morose.
Just down.
Not even really sure why.
OK, maybe I kind of know why. But it’s not one thing at all. It’s just a lot of things. All weighing on me. All up in the air. All without any real explanations or solutions beyond waiting and seeing.
And I hate waiting and seeing.
The ex has been home for over a week now, and I have yet to see him. We have spoken, and things seem fine, but I’m still anxiously waiting for that moment when I actually lay my eyes on him for the first time in 6 months. He’s had the kids since he got home so I totally understand why we haven’t gotten together, but that doesn’t change the fact that I still want to see him. They went up to his cabin this weekend, and I think (no, I know) that part of me was hoping he would invite me along. It was silly. He hasn’t wanted us interacting around the kids since we broke up because he hasn’t wanted to get their hopes up, so I don’t know why I expected anything to be different now.
I guess I was just hoping.
And I wanted to see him.
I’ve also been fretting a lot about what I will do if July doesn’t work. I don’t know why I’m allowing myself to worry about this, but I am. It is crushing to imagine. I'm afraid that I won't be able to pull myself back up if I take that blow. My heart hurts when I think about it. It… well it just isn’t fathomable to me right now.
There is something else too though. Something I haven’t talked about at all here because it isn’t really my story to tell, but something that I have to get out at some point because it is weighing on me. Because it is kind of this huge thing that changes the future and almost changes how I'm allowed to feel about the past.
My dad is getting a divorce. It is no secret that my stepmother was vile to me. Abusive even. She tore me down for years before finally kicking me out at 18. She packed up all my belongings when my dad was driving me to college, and when he returned she said I was never welcome in “her” home again. I haven’t been there since.
When my dad chose to stay with her, it killed me. I completely spiraled out at that point and it was admittedly a period of horrible decisions for me. I wasn’t in a good place, and eventually I cut off my relationship with my dad as a result. We went three years without talking at all.
These last few years though, my dad and I have really repaired our relationship and he has become one of my biggest sources of support. I had to recognize that my dad was not a man who believed in divorce and try to understand that he would have stayed with her no matter what - that it had nothing to do with me. He believed in those vows that deeply. He was crushed when my mom left him, and I know he swore to himself he would never go through a divorce again. I had to realize that there is actually honor in that… even though I was never able to understand it. We rebuilt our relationship with her out of the context. He visits me, we talk on the phone, and we rarely (if ever) even touch on the subject of her. The plan for the future was that things would remain much the same. My relationship with my dad would function away from her. She would never be near my children (or me) ever again. It was unconventional, but it was the best solution given the circumstances. It was how my dad and I had chosen to make our relationship work - and it was working.
Well, she has left him. No options, no discussion, no working things out. She has just left. After 15 years. Her excuse is that she feels so much guilt over the things she did to me that she thinks it is best that she just leave now. Ten years after everything actually happened.
And I am livid. And hurt. And sad.
My dad is a good man. Honestly, he is probably one of the best men I know. He has his faults (don’t we all?) but he is honorable and good and warm. He deserves better than this. He deserves better than what my mother did to him (using him as a beard for years of marriage and two kids until she was finally capable of coming out of the closet as a lesbian), and he deserves better than this.
I wanted the demise of this relationship for years. I used to wish for it; beg for it; pray for it. And now I feel guilty for ever wanting something that has hurt him so much. And I hate that she used me as her reason. I hate that she gets to lay this one last thing out on me.
I know my dad doesn't see it that way. That no one who really knows the situation sees it that way. But to me; I'm just really hurt by it. Especially since, for someone with so much guilt she certainly hasn't expressed an ounce of remorse to me... ever.
I don’t actually think that is really the reason at all, but I think I make a nice scape goat for her. I’m just frustrated over the whole thing. I want my dad to be happy. To have better.
To never have married this person in the first place.
It’s just a long list of things that I have absolutely no control over, so why am I allowing them to weigh on me? Why can’t I step back and give it all to God? Fully and completely? Trust in His plan and His timeline? Trust that if the ex and I are meant to be together, we will be. Trust that the plan ahead does involve me being a mother; somehow and some way. Trust that my dad is a grown man who will find his way, and that none of this is my fault. Why can't I just trust in God right now?
Well, it’s probably because I’m in a crap mood.
Or maybe I’m in a crap mood, because I’m not trusting enough.
ADSPACE
