This is so backwards.
So wrong.
So completely and totally too much information.
But I have woken up every day for the last 4 days irritated that I wasn’t cramping.
Angry that my period wasn’t here.
Frustrated that I wasn’t in pain.
And really, what kind of a person wishes for pain?
I just want to start my period. I want it to start on its own. I want this to be one thing my body can do without assistance. Without drugs. Without intervention.
And I want it to start, so that we can get this show on the road. I feel like I am at an IVF standstill until I bleed.
About two hours after my last acu appointment I started to cramp. Nothing bad or crazy, but enough that I was convinced I would be starting soon. I was convinced that Teeny had managed to work my period out of me.
After about 24 hours though, the cramps went away. They stopped. Just like that. No period. No blood. Nothing.
It’s been almost a year since I’ve had a period. That last one was so horrific it landed me in the ER begging for drugs above and beyond the Percocet’s I had been popping like candy. Nothing brought me relief. I was miserable. In pain. In tears. Unable to eat or sleep. Just hurting.
Even two weeks ago I was terrified of a repeat of that performance. I was anxious about what this period would bring, and combative about why I even needed to go there at all.
Now though? I just want to get it over with. I just want it to start already so that I can get my IVF dates and calendar and move forward.
I just want to bleed.
I’m wondering if that is how most pregnant women feel? Going through an entire pregnancy dreading the labor. Worrying and fearing for 9 straight months. And then all of a sudden something shifts and they are ready. They welcome it. They practically beg for it.
Because that shift has happened for me and I am ready. I just want it to start already. I want to stop waking up disappointed that it hasn’t.
I have 8 more days for it to start on its own. Technically, yesterday was 3 full months since my last Lupron shot. Technically that drug should be all out of my body and I should be free to bleed now.
But if I don’t start in 8 days, this will be just one more thing I’ll need help doing. One more thing that will require intervention to make my body do what it is supposed to.
8 days.
I just want to bleed.
ADSPACE
