I am not typically a girl who makes decisions based on fear. In the heat of the moment I can be an emotional train wreck, but once the waves settle I am usually logical; methodical. My planning is well thought out and executed.
I make decisions I can live with.
Seattle Reproductive Medicine offers insurance plans against failure. They are multi-cycle plans where you pay more, but you walk away with guarantees. The first costs approximately what two and a half single cycles would cost, and with it you are guaranteed 3 fresh cycles and 3 frozen cycles until you take home a baby. If after all 6 cycles you still haven’t conceived, you get a partial refund of your money. The second plan costs about $7000 more than a single cycle would cost, and with it you are guaranteed 2 fresh cycles and 2 frozen cycles until you take home a baby. There are no refunds with that plan.
A single cycle costs a little over $11,000, but that is not including drugs, sperm, or any of the testing and monitoring that I have to have here.
Months ago I had decided I was going to go with the second plan. The idea of putting all of my hope into one cycle just scared me far too much. Plus, I liked the concept of this. The thought process is that everyone pays more, but that extra money from women who do get pregnant on the first try can then go towards additional cycles for women who don’t. I like that. It just seems right in a way.
Women helping each other to achieve a shared dream.
And really, I doubt I would ever complain about the extra money spent if I took a little bundle of love home on the first try.
I didn’t opt for the refund plan, mostly because I felt like if I went through 6 cycles without succeeding; a refund would be the last thing I would be concerned about.
My decision on this has been made for months. I was literally just waiting for approval (in order to qualify you have to meet a few basic fertility criteria), which can’t come until my day 3 FSH levels are taken once I get my period (my period that has still yet to appear).
That decision all changed after my appointment on Monday though.
I have a confession to make. A confession I am in no way proud of. I have been overextending myself paying these medical bills. When this first started, I was under the impression I could finance the entire thing under one umbrella, and then just make one reasonable payment a month. When that turned out not to be the case, I started paying my medical bills on my credit card (which before last year, I had always paid off every single month. My surgeries put an end to that though.) When I maxed out my credit card, I started paying for everything on my line of credit through my bank.
I was ending up with debt in multiple pockets instead of the one manageable bill I had been hoping for.
You have to understand, I have never in my life been so financially irresponsible. And really, I haven’t spent a dime on anything personal or unnecessary in months. It has all gone to this endeavor.
All of it.
But those dollar signs were starting to add up and give me anxiety. This month alone I have spent over $2000 on this process. When you set out to do IVF you are given one lump sum amount, but there is really so much more to it then that; especially if you are coordinating with a clinic out of state. When I did the math after that appointment and figured out how much I was still going to need to come up with on my own, I realized that I was going to have to max out my line of credit in order to complete this cycle.
Which would mean that I wouldn’t have any safety net funds.
Anywhere.
I panicked. And I called my grandmother.
My grandma has been offering to help me with this since the beginning. I think she has almost been hurt that I haven’t accepted her assistance. I just really felt strongly that I needed to be able to do this myself.
That if I couldn’t pay for my own baby, I didn’t deserve a baby.
But I realized this week that my pride was hurting me. That I needed my grandmother. That I needed some help.
If I haven’t said it before, my grandmother (my dad’s mom) is the only mom I’ve ever known as far as I am concerned. She is the only female figure who remained a consistent and present source of love and encouragement throughout my childhood. She has always been there for me. She has never judged me. She has stood by me through everything.
She is and always has been my biggest source of support.
I have borrowed money from her in the past (she actually funded my trip to Australia years ago), but I have always paid it back fairly quickly and with interest. My concern with borrowing from her now is that I know I will not be able to pay her back nearly as fast as I have in the past. I know it is going to take me much longer to pay off this debt because if it works, so many other expenses will follow.
And in realizing that, I also realized that I simply cannot continue to hemorrhage money as long as it is no longer just my money on the line.
Let’s say this cycle doesn’t work and I had the multi plan option. I could go into a second cycle, but I would still have to pay for all the extras I am paying for now. Only the cycle itself would be covered; all the rest would still be on me. Between flights, hotel, drugs, and monitoring appointments here; I would be looking at needing to come up with an additional $5000+.
How many times can I continue to do that to myself? How many times can I continue to add to the debt?
I hadn’t expected to change my mind on this at all (I really liked the idea of that safety net), but borrowing from my grandmother changed everything.
I will only be doing one cycle.
I am still going to be financing $7500 to fund this round, and I’ll use the money from my grandmother to clear out the debt I have already accumulated and to help pay for the remainder of the cycle costs.
But this is it. This is going to be my only attempt at IVF. I just can’t spend the rest of my life building up debt as a result of my drive to be a mother. I have been extremely selfish and self-involved this last 6 months – this process has taken over my thoughts, my conversations, and my focus. I have not been a great friend, daughter, or employee. I know that those who love me understand, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t allow my world to be controlled by this desire. I can’t allow my urge to carry a child poison my relationships, my finances, and my life.
I will not spend the next 10 years under the stress induced cloud that is trying to conceive.
I am going to throw everything I have into this for the next 2 months. But if this cycle does not work, I am going to have to come to terms with that. I am going to have to realize that there is another plan, and not lose myself in the grief.
I honestly don’t know how I will accomplish that. I fear that if this cycle fails, I will crumble; but I don’t want to. I want to be stronger than that. I want to be able to survive it.
And I do not want this goal to define my life.
So there it is. My new plan. I am only getting one shot at this, and I will have to hope and pray with everything I’ve got that one shot is enough.
Because unless I win the lottery some time soon, I will not ever attempt IVF again.
There is one more thing I’m rethinking as a result now.
Knowing this is my only chance. Knowing it is all I will get. Knowing that everything is riding on this cycle.
I am reconsidering the double yolk.
I don’t want to make that decision based on fear or emotion. I feel as though I came to a reasonable choice when my head was clearer, and now I am letting the logic become foggy because I am afraid of failure. In my head, I know that is what I am doing.
But my heart keeps screaming “TWO!”
I don’t know what I’ll decide for sure. I still have to discuss it with my doctor, and honestly I don’t know that I will make a real decision until I am right there in the moment. I think it will be easier to decide when I know exactly how many embryos were produced.
After all, if I only end up with two; doesn’t it make sense to just throw them both in and pray?
I don’t know what I am going to decide, but when I think about what I can and can’t live with?
Suddenly two sounds a whole lot better than none at all.
ADSPACE
