Haunted By a Question

The curse for Eve was this:

I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.

I haven’t written much about the bible study I’m doing right now (Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge) mostly because I am unsure of how I feel about it. There isn’t anything wrong with it per se (although, it is geared a little more towards the main stream, which is a vast difference from my last study), but I just haven’t really clicked with much of what I’ve read.

Until this week.

The authors were talking about Eve's curse and how it goes so far beyond what is actually written. They say that the meaning is deeper and extends to women being "cursed with loneliness (relational heartache), with the urge to control (especially her man) and with the dominance of men."

According to them, this curse results in two different kinds of women: The controlling woman, and her needy counterpart.

Can you guess which role I play?

I don’t know that I would ever describe myself as domineering (one of the words used in the book), but I am absolutely controlling. I like to know I have everything in my life within my reach; that I can juggle it all.

It’s an attribute which has both helped and hurt me.

On the one hand, I am the best multi-tasker you will ever meet. My deadlines never go unmet and my bills are never unpaid. I am quick on my feet and I can work myself out of almost any catastrophe. I'm a good person to have on hand in a crisis.

I am in control.

On the other hand, when I fail or feel as though I’ve lost that control I so desperately desire; I wilt. In those moments, I just may become that needy woman I strive so hard to deviate away from.

As you can imagine, this battle with endometriosis has caused me to wilt more times than I can count. The fact that no matter what I do, my condition keeps getting worse is heartbreaking. I have done the research and I have read about all the natural “cures”. I made huge lifestyle changes after my first surgery, and 6 months later I was going back in. I soaked up information like a sponge, and it meant nothing. I have since submitted myself to a not so fun drug for treatment, only to have to sit back helplessly as my endo has defied logic and continued to spread.

Because it turns out, I am not in control.

This weeks lesson struck me, because it speaks to the place in my journey I am currently at.

I am learning to relinquish control.

This does not mean I am relying on others (still horrible at that) or that I am learning to ask for help (yeah – not so great at that either). What it means, is that I am at least giving control to Him.

I'll learn to depend on others next week. Or the week after...

I may still try to maintain all the minute details of my day to day existence on this earth, but spiritually I have come leaps and bounds in giving my worries to Him.

And do you want to know a secret? There is peace in that. There is peace in recognizing that I can’t control everything. That I can’t predict the future. That I can’t force the outcomes I desire.

That I am only human, and some things must be left to Him.

Am I still a force to be reckoned with in this life? Why don’t you ask my doctors who have to face my never ending list of questions as I do more of my own research from month to month!

Yes, I still have my eye on the prize and my grip tightly bound around what I want.

But I am learning that if I listen really closely, He is guiding me. When I close my mouth and open my mind, I can hear Him speaking to me and telling me which direction to turn.

I failed at this over the weekend though. As the pain seeped in (it has been subsiding the past 2 days now) I lost my will to turn to Him. I hurt. I cried I hurt so bad. I didn’t want to take pain pills because I didn’t want to lose my control.

But I also didn’t want to hurt anymore.

Sometimes endo still wins. Sometimes it still takes me out of the headspace I need to be in and it knocks me to the ground.

Sometimes endo screams louder than God does.

It’s easier to say I want to give the hurt to Him when I'm not in the middle of it torturing me. I want to say I’ll be better next time. That this bout of pain caught me off guard because it’s been so long since I’ve had to deal with it. That next time I’ll be ready to rely on Him to get me through.

I am trying to figure out what that means in the face of pain though. How I can force my brain to refocus when the attention is being diverted elsewhere by my body.

How I can remember that there is a purpose in even the unrelenting pain.

And this is where that controlling side of me starts to peak out, wanting to find answers on her own. Wanting to find a way to solve the problem and be the hero without any help from anyone.

Including Him.

The book went on to talk about the indulgences we (as women) use to soothe our worries and fears instead of turning to Him. Shopping for some women, eating for others. For me, I think it’s pretty clear I indulge in writing. And yes, I do consider that an indulgence. When I am frustrated or scared or upset I tend to turn to my keyboard first and God second. I do eventually turn to God, and maybe it’s not a bad thing that I work out all my thoughts on paper first, but I use writing to soothe. To heal.

When I should be turning to Him for those things.

I am not in control, and the sooner I truly allow my mind to wrap around that fact the sooner I will be able to find real peace in this situation.

The book said that women are haunted by a question since the fall of Eve; a question of our worth. We yearn to be assured of our place in this world.

For those of us tightly holding on to our control, we are striving to prove our own worth through sheer willpower alone.

There is a plan. A plan He has specifically for me. A plan He has for you.

I may not understand the purpose of that plan along certain parts of this journey, and I may feel alone from time to time. But I’m not. Even when I am buckled down by the pain, I am not alone. There is love and strength and happiness at the end of this road.

And all it takes to get there, is relinquishing control.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlL8LayF0uw