I participated in a bowling tournament for charity today.
And I was bad.
The kind of bad where it is evident that I have never bowled without bumpers.
And yet, I started bargaining with myself every time I was up. “If I get a strike this time, my July cycle is going to work.” “A spare here means that my next period isn’t going to be as hard as I’m expecting.” “If I can just not have the lowest score this round, I will be holding a beautiful baby this time next year.” “Seriously – just hit a pin and this next 2 months will go by stress free.”
Do you ever do that? Bargain over the most mundane things? Make decisions based on a song on the radio or the time on the clock?
Because I am a bargainer. I’m not sure how much I actually believe in it, but I do it. All the time.
And lately, all my bargains have had to do with July.
Can I let you in on a secret? I feel like it’s going to work. I feel like I am going to get pregnant. Like there is going to be a baby at the end of this.
But I’m scared too. I don’t want to jinx myself with over confidence. I don’t want to build my hopes up so high that they can only be crushed.
I don’t want to go into this cycle so convinced it is going to work, just to have my heart ripped out in the end.
So I try to temper myself. I try to remind my heart daily that it may not work. That there may be a bigger plan beyond my getting pregnant.
That I may never actually get this.
The simple thought makes it hard to breathe sometimes. I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens. If no matter how hard I try I just can’t achieve a pregnancy.
If I never get to grow a baby inside of me.
So I bargain. I make bets on stupid occurrences. I run scenarios through my head all day long.
When it goes the way I want it to, I tell myself it's fate. When it goes the opposite direction, I remind myself how silly this game is.
I just want to be a mom.
So I think I should probably stick to betting on things I’m good at from here on out.
ADSPACE
