There is no getting around hurt feelings.
It is impossible. I’ve realized that now, and it makes me sad, but…
There is no PC in an IF world.
I had a scary first appointment with my infertility doctor today (the one who will coordinate my entire cycle with Seattle Reproductive Institute from up here), but I think I’m going to wait to write about that until tomorrow. There are a few bits of information I am trying to wrap my head around, and I have something else on my mind right now anyway.
I go through my life explicitly trying not to step on toes. I go out of my way in an attempt to be mindful of the feelings of others.
In an effort to always see all sides.
But I’m realizing it is impossible. I’m realizing that no matter what, in the IF world someone is always going to be hurt.
I was so excited for the baby announcements on the community. Through the moon especially for one woman who I know has been trying so hard for so long.
I didn’t even think twice about making a big deal about those announcements.
The thought never occurred to me that there might be those who continue to see one line month after month who simply don’t want to hear it.
Until I realized that of course those women are here. Of course they are stung by the pregnancies of others.
Which got me thinking: will there be those who will be hurt when and if I am able to make a pregnancy announcement of my own?
When I am experiencing something that should be the greatest joy of my life, will I instead be anxious about who in the IF world will cry for their own losses at my success?
Because these women (you women) have become my friends. You have become women I care about. Women I root for.
Women who are in my prayers.
Every single day.
It scares me because I realize that no matter what I say, I may hurt someone. When I talk about my desire to carry a child, am I hurting a woman who was never able to fulfill that dream? When I discuss the fact that I am literally putting everything into IVF, am I hurting those whose lives were changed by adoption?
When I bring up my greatest fears, am I slicing someone open who has been there and done that?
I don’t know that there is any way to navigate these waters without hurting someone, and the thought of that breaks my heart. I never want to hurt anyone. I never want anyone to lose hope or to feel slighted.
I never want anyone to feel less than because of my dreams.
I am not an infertile woman who cringes at pregnancy announcements. In fact, if anything, they give me hope; especially when they come from one of you who I know has tried so hard. I do not begrudge the pregnancies of others, and I do not feel that another woman’s success makes me any less pregnant.
But I have also never experienced multiple miscarriages. Or failed cycle after failed cycle.
This is the first time in my life I will ever try, so up to this point I have no idea what that failure feels like.
I have faced the threat of hysterectomy, but I have not crossed that line yet. I still have hope in my in tact (if not severely damaged) parts. I have not looked down at one line feeling as though I just lost my only chance. I have not been in this world long enough to know what years of trying does to your psyche.
So maybe it is easy for me to rejoice in those pregnancies.
I have faced plenty of pain and loss in this last year, and in my mind losing the chance of those lesser invasive cycles has been a hard blow to handle. Being told that IVF was my only hope (and that I don’t have long to try) cut like a knife. Facing this now with no time to really plan has been hard.
Facing it without a partner has been harder.
But maybe not hard enough. Because I still didn’t see the potential pain I was inflicting until it was too late.
The problem is, I want to talk about those things. I want to talk about my decision to pursue IVF over adoption, and the struggles that entails. I want to be able to write what is on my mind. What is in my heart.
I want to rejoice in the successes of those in this community. I feel like they are earned. Like those babies are wanted and will be loved.
I can't bring myself to be sad or cautious about that. Too many babies come into this world unwanted and unloved to not celebrate the ones who are conceived by the women and families who try so hard.
And should I be blessed enough to see two lines of my very own, I want to be able to write about that with love and joy and thankfulness. But does that mean hurting someone else?
Does it mean another woman will be brought further down because of my success?
So how do you do it? How do you remain true to yourself while still being mindful of the feelings of others? How do you navigate the land of infertility with tact?
Because I’m not sure you can.
There is no PC in an IF world.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1J7NBaOgUk8
ADSPACE
