Teeny put needles in my bum today.
As in multiple needles.
Let me just tell you, there is officially no more vulnerable position to be in than on your stomach butt naked with needles literally from head to toe (yes, from the one in the top of my head to those in the bottoms of my feet.) And now my bum. Needles in my bum.
What has this come to?
When she started pricking me back there I finally had to say something. I could contain myself no longer.
“Hey. While you’re back there, would you mind taking care of that cellulite situation for me?”
Teeny just laughed and said “If I could do that, there would be a lot more people in this world getting acupuncture.”
True story.
So once she finished filling my body with needles (even the places I really never thought would ever see needles) I kind of drifted in and out of consciousness. It was an oddly relaxing session, given the predicament I was in.
While in my varying stages of awareness, I was focusing on 3 things:
1. My hair is falling out. Teeny commented on it again today and I was in tears this weekend as my stylist told me all she could do was cut 3 inches off of it in the hopes that it would give me some more oomph. I’ve talked to my doctor and she said it isn’t entirely uncommon for women on Lupron, but it still hurts my heart. Let me be clear: I am not going bald and the assumption would be that now that I am done with Lupron the situation can only get better, but… there is pretty clear thinning. I’m a girl. I’m not supposed to be balding. My heart aches for women who actually do lose all their hair in cancer treatments, because this has been one of the harder side effects of the Lupron for me. I never thought of myself as vain, but I’m embarrassed about it. I’m sad about it. I want to look and feel like me again. Don’t worry though; the arsenal of hair supplements I have acquired is pretty hefty. I'm going to rectify this situation if it kills me.
2. I need to expand my meat horizons. I am still afraid of it. I haven’t moved much past boars head lunch meat (sliced extra thin for me at the deli so it's as non meat like as possible). I’ve had turkey burgers once and we had chicken skewers on my birthday, and that is it. I have no idea how to cook meat or what to do with it. I really want to start trying fish, but I’m lost when it comes to cooking it. I could use some of your best meat recipes here.
3. I realized today that there will be at least one period between now and IVF. I am terrified. When I get periods, everywhere that the endo is bleeds. That means my kidneys bleed, my liver bleeds, my intestines bleed, my bowel bleeds and my bladder bleeds. Not only does it hurt, but there is nowhere for that blood to go. Unlike the shedding of your uterine lining (which has a pretty clear exit strategy) that other bleeding just stagnates and scars. It hurts worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. My last few periods my entire stomach distended out past my boobs. It bloated all the way up under my rib cage. Everything hurt. When I get my period, I run fevers and throw up. I can’t eat, can’t sleep, and can’t walk. I am so afraid for that day to come. I am tough, but I am not that tough. In fact, in the midst of my last period I cried out with tears streaming down my face that I just wanted a hysterectomy. I literally couldn’t handle it.
Writing it all out I’m realizing how heavy some of those thoughts were. The funny thing is that as I was thinking them I was completely calm and rational. As I’m writing them my eyes are tearing up a bit, but in the moment on Teeny’s table I was fine. They were just thoughts I was having. They had no real emotional pull.
I’m thinking it must have been the bum needles helping me keep my cool.
Says the girl who is about to go stick some needles in her own bum.
ADSPACE
