Wait. Don’t. Seriously. Let’s leave my name out of this!
When I started this blog I was adamant that it was going to remain 100% anonymous. Initially I didn’t even have any pictures of myself anywhere. None. I was totally OK with putting my story out there (every last intimate detail), but I was not in the least bit comfortable with putting myself out there.
You have to understand – I am afraid of the internet. Or at least, I was before this whole adventure started. I used to work in a bar. I also used to have a Myspace page that was not even a little bit private (give me a break – this was when Myspace was the old Facebook!) One night I was at work and this guy came up to me and said he recognized me. He was drunk and I was busy so I told him I had never seen him before and tried to move on to the next boozer. That’s when he let the bomb drop. “No way – I recognize you from your Myspace! You’re ----" He knew my name. My age. Everything. I’m fairly sure he was actually at that bar intentionally because it was displayed right on my page where I worked.
And I freaked. It totally icked me out. I deleted my account shortly thereafter.
And I have been wary ever since.
You have to also understand – I am an internet stalker. It’s OK, I admit it. I’m not proud, but it’s true. Facebook makes it way too easy to find out details about people I probably wouldn’t otherwise know. Sometimes I go a little overboard with the digging - sometimes I do it with people I couldn't care less about. I'm pretty sure it's not healthy.
I have also been known to check out people’s court records online.
You know; just in case.
What can I say? I am a sleuth in training, and as such I know how easy it is to find out information about people on the internet.
And so I wanted this blog to be completely anonymous. I didn’t want to be “findable” in any way, shape, or form.
But then I started reading other blogs and I realized that I personally was connecting the most to the ones that shared those sneak peeks into their own lives. Beyond that, I started actually connecting with some of you and I wanted you to see those same sneak peeks of my life.
It’s funny how that works out. I never in a million years thought I would connect to strangers over the internet, and then there I was – wanting you all to know more simply because you had shown me so much compassion and warmth.
I caved. Pictures came up and I even posted a video that one time.
Throughout it all though, I wanted to keep my name out of this. There are two main reasons for that. The first is that I know that to some what I am doing could be seen as controversial. I was afraid of somehow angering some crazy who then might decide to find me and cut my baby out of my belly (yes – that Private Practice episode scarred me for life). If someone really wanted to find me, it wouldn’t be that hard given the details I have revealed here. The whole idea just made me nervous (and it doesn’t help that my biggest fear in life is home invasion – call me paranoid, but I totally sleep with a big can of mace by my bed! This is what happens when you are raised by a cop!)
The second reason I didn’t want my name attached to this blog was that I didn’t want to be Google-able. By that I mean; I didn’t want to go on a first date with a guy one night, and have him be able to Google me and find out my whole story the next day. I felt the same way about work. 90% of the people in my life know about this blog and my plans for the future. For that 10% that don’t though – I don’t want them finding out until I’m ready to tell them. When it comes to dating, I just want this whole story to be something I can ease into. When it comes to work, I don’t want to have to worry about being passed over for anything big promotion wise. Further, I really want to be able to maintain my professionalism at my job. I don’t want those people’s opinions on what I should or shouldn’t do (it has nothing to do with my quality of work and therefore shouldn't be discussed there), and I don’t want their pitying eyes or their it’s-for-the-best’s if I don't get pregnant. I just want my work life detached from my baby life until there is actually a baby growing inside of me.
Unfortunately, it would appear as though we have some serious sleuths on our hands, and my name is officially appearing right now on this very blog.
When this whole thing first started I never really expected to have so many readers that I’d never actually met. I knew I was putting the story on the internet and that it was a possibility, but I didn’t think too much of it. I was pretty pumped when I was getting 10 hits a day. I thought I was big time! My first comment from someone I didn't know got forwarded to about 20 friends - I'm officially now convinced it was actually one of them trying to make me feel special!
On some of my earlier posts some of my real life friends used my name in comments (don’t worry Loo – it wasn’t just you!) I didn’t delete them, because I just wasn’t that worried about the whole thing.
Well, somehow someone was tipped off to my name and started searching for those comments in that little Lijit search tool in my right side bar. As soon as my name was searched for, I automatically changed the number of searches showing so that it wasn’t visible here. Except that people kept searching for it, and it kept moving up higher and higher on the list - the list that is visible right under the search box on this very page. I changed it about 4 times until it was finally in the number one spot and there was nothing I could do. You all are a curious bunch, and just kept searching the same term! It’s actually possible that someone from my real life was doing the searches too – just being curious if I ever revealed my real name (and inadvertently revealing it for me - I seriously feel like I just got outed!) It’s gotten to the point now where my name is the number one searched topic on this blog, so I can either delete the whole search tool (which I would hate to do – I just think it is such a cool way to get to something you may be looking for!) or I can deal with the fact that my name is officially on my blog.
I’m choosing to deal. I’ve said to a few people that it actually feels weird to have these connections formed and have people not know my real name – it feels untruthful.
Still, now that it is out in the open can we just move past it? Can I still be S.I.F. to you, at least here? I don’t care what you call me in private e-mails (seriously – hit me with your best shot!) but in this very public space could we keep the name calling to a minimum?
Could we maybe even stop searching for my name, now that it’s out in the open? If you really wanted to be cool you would go over to that search tool and search for other things – maybe even click on some of the other searches already there (seriously, you’ve got homosexuality, toilet, and smegma to choose from! Note to self: I have really got to start monitoring the things I write about!) I would love to see that pesky large font version of my name slowly start to fade to the bottom of that list and then suddenly disappear. I would really love to keep my Google-ability to a minimum and not encourage scary-stalker-baby-cutter-outers any more than necessary!
Or not. You know. Whatever.
I’m not too worried about it.
I just might invest in a bigger can of mace!
ADSPACE
