I have a problem. I am a doer. I can’t think of a time in my life when I haven’t had a goal in mind; some huge thing in the distant future that I was working towards.
Something that I was positive would make all the difference in the world for my life.
The problem is, that as soon as I accomplish one goal I set the next. It is this never-ending cycle. I go all in on something until I’ve obtained it, and then I move on to the next venture.
There is nothing wrong with being goal oriented, and I am actually proud of my ability to look at a problem and seek out all possible solutions. I am proud of the way I handle challenges and the fact that I am able to accomplish just about anything I set my mind to.
My dad will tell you that I have been like this since I was a child. I would come up with a plan, he would tell me it would never work, and then I would gloat when it did.
The man has learned to stop questioning me!
The main issue with my constant drive for more though, is the fact that sometimes I get so caught up in the goal I am working towards that I forget to enjoy the goals I’ve already reached. I forget to bask in the glory of success because I already have another goal in mind.
Sometimes I just forget to focus on the here and now.
I was at the hospital last night. The ex’s dad had heart surgery, and his sister asked me to swing by. Since I knew he was still out of town for work, I figured this was a safe enough move - although, I'm sure it would have been fine even if he was here. I have remained close to his family and was concerned about his dad (and also his mom, who I knew was struggling with this), but I hadn’t initially wanted to intrude upon their family time. I knew he would never mind (he was the one who encouraged his mom to be there for me through the fallout that was my last surgery - he knows I love his family), but I still wasn't sure it was my place. When his sister made it clear I was wanted there though, I made my way down.
And we laughed. For hours we sat in that hospital room and just laughed. There was a lot of talk about the ex that was a little uncomfortable for me (members of his extended family were there who I haven’t seen in a while and who had questions about our status), but for the most part there was just a lot of laughter.
I caught myself thinking “Life would be perfect if… this was my family.” So silly and simple, but I couldn’t help but feel like I have always fit in with this family; like I have always belonged to them in some way. I found myself thinking how nice it would be if he and I could figure everything out, and these people really were my family. If I could have him and them… Life might just feel complete.
I do this a lot with the baby too. This thought process that is very future oriented. Life will be perfect as soon as I get those two lines. I’ll be able to relax as soon as I make it past 25 weeks. I’ll be at ease when I have that child in my arms. Nothing else will matter when it is me and my baby.
And don’t even get me started on my writing! I have thrown myself into my writing in such a huge way in the last 4 months. In many ways it is starting to pay off and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel where I really could make a career out of putting my words on paper. You want to know a secret though? That only makes me even more driven. Seeing the progress has just made me buckle down further. I keep telling myself I will relax when it is enough for me to be a stay at home mom, but will it ever be enough?
Or will there always be something more I want?
The truth is, my life is pretty perfect. Right now, just the way it is, I am luckier than most. I live in the most beautiful state in this country (I don’t even care if I am biased!) and the sun has been coming out more and more beckoning me to get outside and enjoy it. I have friendships that I know not all women can boast. I have started eating meat, and it doesn’t make me want to die the way I thought it would. I am 100% capable of taking care of and providing for myself. I have an HR representative who went to bat for me and now I have weekly acupuncture appointments that help me immensely and are covered by insurance. I have family who loves me.
And, I am going to be a mom. I realize that it is still focusing on the future to think of that, but even just sitting on that thought in the here and now warms my heart. It is the most important goal I have ever had, and just dreaming about obtaining it makes me happy.
I am going to be a mom. No matter what. This much I know.
Some days I wish I was better at focusing on the present. I wish I was more capable of recognizing the blessings I already have and acknowledging the accomplishments I’ve already made. I have come so far in this life – I have jumped through hoops to have the life I have now.
And it is a good life. A beautiful life even. A life I forget to enjoy as often as I should.
If I were to let go of all the other goals today though, could I be happy? Could I sit in the here and now and never want for another thing?
I doubt it. I am a doer. A goal-accomplisher. And before I am willing to say that I am completely content with my life just the way it is, there is still one piece that is missing. One piece I am fairly sure I couldn’t do without.
That piece is not the man.
It is not the career of my dreams.
It is not a place, or money, or feeling.
The only piece in my life really missing right now is a baby.
Growing, living, and thriving inside of me.
Life will be perfect when…
ADSPACE
