I have something to confess.
I was secretly hoping there was going to be a 4th entrant in our sperm donor contest.
I was counting on the ex to make a last minute entry.
Or maybe not counting on him, but wishing… and hoping… and praying.
When we spoke on my birthday, it was one of many heavy things we discussed. Actually, I kind of just threw it out there. I did it very poorly. I made a joke about how much this was going to cost me and told him he could save me a few hundred dollars if he just took one for the team. He threw me for a loop though. I had posed the topic as if he would be a donor – no strings attached. He instead queried “and then what happens if I have feelings?”
Have I ever told you all that I am socially awkward? When I am uncomfortable or caught off guard, I say all the wrong things. I have been known to blurt out entirely inappropriate statements in uncomfortable situations, just leaving everyone that much more uncomfortable.
So my response to his question? I said (without thinking) “We would have a legal agreement to protect against that.”
(slaps self in forehead)
Why couldn’t I just tell him what I wanted? Because I was scared. Because I could feel him feeling me out, and I wanted him to say what he wanted first. I didn’t want to show any of my cards this time.
And that was stupid.
I spent days pondering that conversation and trying to figure out the pros and cons of saying what I wanted versus keeping my mouth shut. I realized that if all I had to lose was a little bit of pride by being open about what I wanted one last time, then that was a small price to pay if it could all work out in the end.
Monday I sent him a text that said “I’ve got my sperm donor choices narrowed down to three guys – if you want to be in the running, you should let me know now”.
His response was “Call me later dork.”
And I got a tiny twinge of hope. He hadn’t said “no”. That had to mean something, right?
When I called that night, we actually had a serious conversation where I laid it all on the line. The man has a lot going on right now. A lot of big things that I can’t disclose simply because it’s not my story to tell. Needless to say though, he is under a decent amount of stress – a decent amount of stress even without me saying “Do you want to have a baby with me? You have to decide now or never!”
I had promised myself that I wasn’t going to put any pressure on us. That I was going to keep moving forward as planned and let things work out with us as naturally as possible. I had promised myself I would keep my wants under wraps this time around.
Except that I couldn’t. He just kept saying that he didn’t know what he wanted. That he was so thrown by life right now and while he couldn’t tell me this wasn’t what he wanted, he was also really unsure of what going down this path would mean. He just couldn’t tell me what he wanted.
And so I told him.
I told him that I wanted him to be the father of this child. That I wanted to be with him, and to be a permanent fixture in his children’s lives. I told him that I wanted us to lean on each other – to support each other in this next stage of life that is sure to be a bit rocky for both of us.
I told him that despite everything we had been through, he was still the person I wanted to be with.
And then I told him that he knew what I wanted, and that the ball was now in his court. I explained that I would be fine if he never came around. That I would have this baby and one day I would meet a man who would love us both. I told him I would be fine no matter what, but that what I really wanted was for him to be a part of this.
And then I waited all week for him to call me and tell me he wanted the same things.
Except he didn’t.
I was looking at the donors today and struggling. Staring at the profiles and trying to figure out why this is so hard for me.
The truth is, this isn’t the way I would choose for it to be. There is a man in my life who I love – a man who I believe loves me back. Of course I would choose for him to be my side through this. I have wanted him by my side since the beginning. I am strong, and I will be just fine if I go this alone (and really and truly – I believe this is the path I am meant to take, regardless of whether or not he is by my side), but it wouldn’t be my first choice. In my perfect world, I would have a baby daddy right now - not just a sperm donor.
If I had a choice, I would choose him.
I realized today that I needed him to tell me “no”. I needed him to tell me that he couldn’t do this with me so that I could let go of that dream. I don’t even think it would be the end of any possibility of us (because I do still think we could figure things out somewhere down the road and that he could step into that father role regardless of whether or not he was the bio dad), but I needed to let go of the possibility of having his child. I sent this ridiculously long text:
I know I said I would leave the ball in your court, but I’m having the hardest time choosing a donor and I think it’s because I’m secretly hoping you will come around. I think I need you to tell me you don’t want any part of it. I won’t be mad, and we will still be fine, I just need you to tell me what you want (or I guess don’t want) just this once. If you really want me to use a donor, I just need to know so I can make that choice and move forward. I’ve been holding out hope for some insane reason and I just really need to know from you that you want no part of this so I can focus on reality. This is just harder than I expected it to be. I just… I need to know where you stand because there is this stupid part of me that keeps hoping you want the same things I do, and I need that girl to stop hoping.
That was over two hours ago, and still no response. I don’t know if I really want to know, or if I like holding on to this hope. I do know that I need to know though. That I need to let that fantasy die if it isn’t going to happen.
I know this is hard for him. I know in a perfect world we would have time to figure everything out. I get how much pressure the time frame is; I get it, because I had to face that same time frame myself when I first made this decision. I have come to a point of being excited and ready for this, but it took me months. Months of arguing and battling back and forth in my head about what the right move was here. Months to work through it and realize what I really wanted. Months. And I’m wanting him to be able to do it in a week.
In my heart of hearts I believe this man and I could have a wonderful life together if we could both just get over our pasts. I know that is easier said than done though.
What kills me is that there are two people in this world who do love each other and just can’t seem to make it work.
What kills me is that I’m part of that pairing, and I can’t seem to fix it.
What kills me is that I can’t seem to let go of the hope.
I don’t feel like I’m asking for a lot.
I just want it all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04JylELryEs
ADSPACE
