I was sitting in worship service this morning checking out the guitar player I have never seen before. From 15 rows back, I was trying to determine whether or not he had on a wedding ring.
Then I was pondering the difference between dating in Alaska and dating in San Diego. In San Diego I never would have looked at a guy my age and wondered if he was married; I probably would have wondered if he had an STD, but even that I wouldn’t have worried about as much as I should have. Here it seems as though all men of eligible dating age are either married or divorced – it must be the cold weather. People marry younger so that someone will start their car in the morning and keep them warm at night.
From there I was wondering what I would do about it if this adorable guitar player wasn’t wearing a ring. Could I really hit on a man on Easter Sunday at church? There were a ton of people around (being that Easter brings everyone to church; even those who haven’t been there since Christmas), how would I even find him after the service was over? And even if I found him, how would I approach him? What is it about Alaska that makes my flirting style useless? In San Diego all I ever had to do was give a man “the look” and he was by my side in seconds. Here if I give a man “the look” he diverts his eyes shyly as though he can’t figure out why I would possibly be looking at him. It’s that whole male/female ratio thing up here; men aren’t used to being the pursuers because they get turned down too often. More men than women means that women get to call the shots, but I am so not a shot caller when it comes to the beginning stages of dating. I’m not so great at walking right up to a man and striking up a conversation either. It goes against everything I’ve ever been taught. Plus, I’m too shy around new people for that nonsense!
These are the thoughts that were running through my head this morning. In church. On Easter Sunday. When I should have been thinking about Jesus and all he gave up for me; I was thinking about how to land a hottie guitar player.
It’s a good thing Jesus realizes I have the attention span of a 9 year old and forgives me for that.
Honestly - it’s a good thing Jesus forgives me for anything, because some days I realize that I am so not worthy.
The thing about today is, it's a reminder that He died for our sins. He died for my sins.
And there are an awful lot of sins there, especially in the past.
More than once I was the “other woman”. More than once I was the friend who betrayed. More than once I was the daughter who lashed out and tore down. More than I once I was the girl who drank her problems away, with vomit in her hair. More than once I used sex to soothe; or manipulate; or control. More than once I used my words to break those I felt had hurt me. More than once I took the people who loved me and shoved them aside. More than once I blamed God for taking away the life I felt I was owed. More than once I took my anger at the world out on myself; I have the scars to prove it.
I have no excuses. There are no explanations. All I have to give is my promise that I try daily to be someone better; someone more worthy of His love. For years I have been working towards a better version of me. Some years are full of growth, and some years involve quite a few steps back. I have had to teach myself who it is I want to be. I have had to surround myself with people whose lead I want to follow. I have had to work to shed that prior picture of myself and be someone better.
But the past is still there. It still exists, and it is not one I will deny or excuse.
I will feel regret over those I have hurt in my life until the day I die, but I will never ignore this one truth: without my past, my future would not be what it is today. I would not be who I am today.
When we deny the past, we sell out the person we are now. I will not sell myself out.
I will not sell Him out and all the magic He has worked in my life.
I have come a long way.
All because of Him.
Yet I still sin. I still feel jealousy and greed and pride. I still judge; mostly those who judge others, but I still judge.
Some days I catch myself wondering if I am being punished; if perhaps because of my past I do not now nor will I ever deserve to be a mother. Some days I wonder if this is the life I have earned.
But I know that not to be the case. I know He died for my sins, and how awesome is that? The fact that He loved me (loved us all) enough to take the fall for our mistakes.
I try daily to be better because it is what He deserves from me. I will still fall and I will still sin, but I will always try.
To be better.
To be stronger.
To be more worthy.
And to not spend so much time fantasizing about the new guitar player during worship service.
ADSPACE
