Fear

Fear has a way of gripping you when you least expect it to. It can consume you. It can take over.

It can change everything.

Today, I allowed myself to give in to fear.

I woke up anxious. I can’t explain why, or what triggered it; but I just woke up on edge. My heart was racing and I couldn’t calm myself. I was irritable and I didn’t want anyone near me. The more I tried to force the unsteady feeling away, the more it laid its claim.

I started worrying about things I haven’t worried about in months. Money was a big one; I was focused on numbers. Dead set that I will never be able to afford raising a child on my own. I was thinking so far into the future that my head hurt, and I just couldn’t see making any of this work.

Being alone forever was another one. I started to succumb to the fear that I will never truly feel the love of a partner. That I will always be on this path by myself.

And the fear started to take over.

I knew I was being neurotic; unrealistic. I knew that I was letting negativity and fear get me down.

But I couldn’t figure out why.

Nothing happened. Nothing triggered me. The fear just seeped in.

The fear that I am making all the wrong decisions and that nothing is ever going to be right in my life again.

I wanted to run home and hide under my covers.

I wanted to give up.

But instead I stopped. I caught my breath. And I faced the fear head on.

This girl said something amazing here about looking at fear more as a message than a warning. It resonated with me.

I need to be aware of these fears. I need to be intelligent enough to avoid the pitfalls they offer up.

But I do not need to succumb to them. I do not need to allow them to take over.

I can do this, and I firmly believe that He is holding my hand through this. There is a plan. I may not be privy to that plan, but it is there.

In the end, there will be a purpose if not a baby.

But giving in to the fear does me no good at all.

I believe that your thoughts have an effect on your body. I believe that allowing yourself to give in to fear can hurt you. If you think about the fact that the brain is the epicenter of all the chemical pathways to the body, it makes perfect sense.

And giving in to fear can actually break you.

But being positive and focusing on the light in life can help you be the fighter you need to be. It can keep you moving on the days it seems impossible.

I have actually wondered if the fear I allowed myself to feel at the beginning of this possibly contributed to the massive aggression of my endometriosis. Obviously there is nothing I could do to change that now if it were true, but I can prevent myself from going to that dark place now.

I can face the fear and push it away.

I am doing what is right for me; for my future baby.

I am making all the best decisions I can given the situation.

I am going to figure the finances out when the time comes that I need to.

And I am going to be a rocking mom.

Take that fear.