I want a natural childbirth. I had known that was what I wanted before I saw The Business of Being Born 3 years ago, but that documentary pretty much sealed the deal for me. Since I saw that – I have dreamed, and planned, and imagined my natural birth. When I moved to Alaska (again: pre-endo), I immediately sought out a birthing center. I actually did a ton of research the place, at a time when I had no reason to think I would be pregnant any time soon! I was just fascinated by it. Throughout all of this, that is where I have planned to labor.
(mini disclaimer – I think all women should be able to choose how they want to labor. I have nothing against women who choose the drug route, and I was actually upset when a friend of mine had a doctor who was making her feel guilty about wanting an epidural. I think it should be the woman’s choice 100% - this is just what I would choose for me.)
I was telling Teeny today about the extra discomfort I’ve been in since my HSG (all totally normal discomfort – just a lot of extra pressure down there right now with movement. Nothing I can’t handle or that a heating pad hasn't helped.) She was asking me about the test, and I told her it really wasn’t as bad as I had been told it would be and that the worst part was just them trying to get the catheter through the scar tissue.
That was when Teeny started thinking out loud.
She asked me if anyone has told me I may need a c-section because of that scar tissue. She said she didn’t really know how any of that worked, but that she knew most women couldn’t have V-BACs because of the scar tissue from previous c-sections and she was wondering if my scar tissue would cause the same problem.
She was wondering whether even if I am able to labor naturally, the scar tissue may cause more pain and a longer labor than would be normal.
She was seriously just thinking out loud, but she got me so bummed out.
I have no idea if this is something I need to worry about, and I’m almost embarrassed to ask my doctor when I’m not even pregnant. It seems like the last thing I should be worrying about right now, you know?
Except – it would just be one more thing that would take away from the picture I had in my head of how this was all supposed to go.
Other women get these choices. They get to choose how many kids they want to have. They get to choose when and how to get pregnant (sometimes they even get blindsided by it when they aren't even trying.) They get to choose how they labor.
And sometimes, when I feel my choices being taken away, I get kind of frustrated. That 5 year old inside of me rears her ugly head and starts to yell “But… It’s not FAIR!”
At the end of the day, how I labor won’t really matter. Whether I have nothing at all to do with the process due to a pre-scheduled c-section, or it is entirely in my hands as I labor on my knees in a tub at the birthing center of my choice; once I’ve got a baby in my arms it won’t matter how I got there.
It’s just one more part of the plan I may or may not have to alter. As much as that five year old inside of me bristled up at the mere mention that I may not get this one thing my way; in the grand scheme of things it really is just one more thing I may not get my way. Don’t get me wrong; I will fight for it and my right to a natural labor as much as it is wise to do so. But if it really turns out that it may not be the best decision for me now? I will relent and I won’t look back.
The truth is, as much as it pains me to do so - I am willing to relent it all; every last piece of the plan I had in my head when I pictured this process pre-endo. I am willing to let it all go except for one thing. I am willing to give all the rest up, as long as I can still have that one piece.
A baby. A baby growing and thriving inside of me. A baby in my arms in the end.
Just let me have that one thing - please?
ADSPACE
