I came out of the closet today.
At work.
Kind of.
It all started with a letter. A letter I got last week that pretty much crushed me. A letter that stated that my acupuncture claims had been denied by my insurance company.
A letter that basically told me that I would a.) Have to quit acupuncture (there is just no way I could afford it) and b.) Have to pay out of pocket the few thousand dollars in claims that had already been submitted.
Yep. That one hurt.
Financially, I was sick to my stomach. But it went so far beyond that. Acupuncture is the first thing I have tried since any of this started that has offered me any relief. My energy levels are up, my pain is down, and I haven’t thrown up in over a month. Not to mention – Teeny is the first practitioner I have seen who has been focused on resolving the root cause of my problems and paying attention to my entire body rather than focusing on symptoms only. I really do love my doctor, but all of my treatments have lead to the need for more treatments. And nothing has stopped my endo. At least with Teeny I feel like we are focusing on overall health, rather than treating one area while facing the risk of damage to another.
Not to mention, the woman has called me multiple times in the last week just to check up on that whole faux blood clot situation. I couldn’t even get an ER doctor to touch me, but Teeny has been consulting with specialists and checking up to make sure I’m still standing.
I’ve got to say, my faith in her over Western medicine goes up more every day.
So I cried. The idea of quitting killed me. I knew I couldn’t afford it, but part of me wondered: could I really afford to quit?
I made a plan to fight the insurance company. They denied me on the grounds that acupuncture was not medically necessary for my condition. Do you want to tell me what an insurance company would actually deem was medically necessary for acupuncture? Of course they're going to deny me on that basis; because they can! The language in my plan states that acupuncture will only be approved when deemed medically necessary, so I’m guessing they tell everyone their claim isn’t medically necessary. The difference was that I had a referral from an actual medical practitioner for acupuncture. I was going to fight this.
Before calling the insurance company, I called my HR representative; just to make sure I was going about this the right way. She asked me to come to her office right then and there with the information from the insurance company.
And let me tell you, that woman went to bat for me. She made copies, she sent faxes, and she shot out e-mails – all on my behalf. All to get me approved.
This morning I received an e-mail from her. The insurance company has decided to approve acupuncture for me – for as many visits and as long as I need.
I was shocked. I am not kidding you when I say that I did not lift a finger. She did all the leg work for me. She did everything. She fought for me, and I am insanely grateful. So grateful in fact that I am going to go out this evening and at least pick up a card for her. I feel like it’s not enough, but it's all I can really afford right now. I just feel like I have to do something to thank her.
Shortly after sending that e-mail, she asked me to come to her office because she had something to show me.
When I popped in, she pulled out a book of letters she had received from kids she worked with through a Junior Achievement program. She said she knew I was passionate about working with children (most the people at my office know I’m involved in Big Brothers Big Sisters) and she was wondering if I would be interested in getting involved in the Junior Achievement program as well. From what I understand, it is a program where people in the professional community go out to schools and talk to classrooms once a week. There is a curriculum, and you work with the same class for 5 weeks at a time. My company would allow me the time off to do this, and she said she thought I would be a perfect fit.
Suddenly I started to feel guilty.
You see, I have this concern. I’ve actually had it for a while in reference to Chatty. I’m afraid of being a bad example to her. I’m afraid that I can’t maintain my role as someone to look up to in her life while also pursuing a role as a single mother. I’m afraid it sends mixed signals as to what young girls should want from their lives. It’s something I’ve been mulling over a lot in regards to Chatty, because I’m just not sure she needs to see one more woman get pregnant without a husband. She does look up to me, and I’m just not sure she should see me actually pursuing this.
I don’t think single motherhood should be an ultimate goal for most people. If I had my choice, I would have a husband in this. I think choosing to go it alone is the more difficult path, and that path has a lot of bumps along the way. I am ready to be a single mother, and it is a choice I am making with an open heart. But I don’t want Chatty (or other young girls) to see me make this choice and turn it into something other than what it is. For me, in my life, this is what needs to happen right now. But I don’t believe it is the best option for everyone; if it weren't for my endometriosis I wouldn't believe it was the best option for me. I don’t want to give the impression that single motherhood is a goal most women should try to attain.
Seeing as I’ve been torn on this already, and Mrs. HR was questioning whether I would like to get involved working with even more young kids; I had to come clean. I had to step out of the infertility closet and explain my plans.
So, I did it. I told the first person at my work about my plans for IVF in July. She had already been so kind to me already, and I just didn’t feel right lying to her about my hesitation to get involved.
Plus, there was that part of me that knew that what I said would have to remain confidential. Knowing this helped to alleviate some of my fear about idle company gossip.
You know what? She took it so well! She talked to me for 20 minutes about my concerns and fears, and also my joy and excitement about this process. She was genuine and warm and totally understanding. There was no judgment or concern about how this could affect my work; just excitement for me!
I’ve been trying so hard to keep this secret out of work. I don’t want to deal with the uncomfortable stares of people, the awkward conversations, or the pity should this fail. I didn’t want to have anyone questioning whether my work would start to suffer, or if I really knew what I was doing. I wanted to be able to continue maintaining my professionalism at my job. I just wanted one arena of my life that was IVF free.
But I have to tell you; there was something liberating about letting the cat out of the bag too. A guilt that I have held about being dishonest at work was released. Someone knows now – I have told the truth about my plans for July. I have been honest about my goal to be a single mother.
And there is relief in that.
Especially because I know she can’t tell another soul!
ADSPACE
