First of all – I’m sorry for the mini-breakdown yesterday. That is simply not my style! But… I did receive two suggestions to move to Canada (considering it!), one to marry for insurance rather than for love or money (so on top of that!) and some wonderful information regarding health insurance options for even the uninsurable, so thank you. Really and truly – a million thank yous.
I try not to let myself ever get to feeling as hopeless as I did yesterday – so hopeless that you can’t even see the other options that are there. I was just feeling so defeated, and that is not me. It took a hateful women telling me that I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself and "get a life" for me to realize that I was being far too “poor me”. (Don’t get me wrong – I think people who look to stir up drama and hurt people they don’t know on the internet are pathetic and I honestly feel sorry for that woman, because how sad must her life be if that is what she has to do to get some excitement out of her day? It’s just – as hateful and ignorant and cruel as her intentions were, I kind of needed to hear it. Just because the words come from a complete moron, doesn’t mean they are always wrong. Sometimes even the village idiot stumbles upon a moment of wisdom!)
I am so lucky in so many ways, and this will all work out. One way or another, it will all work out.
I did take a mental health day from work today though. I never do that. I never call in sick. Period. I go to work on my death bed because I hate being seen as unreliable. But today it was necessary. Today it helped me clear my head to get a few extra hours sleep and to have a little me time. I started thinking about a lot of options today, and I am considering asking to go part time at my job – and still retain my benefits. I really think I could do all my work in 25 hours a week rather than 40, because if I was getting more sleep I would come in more productive. I haven’t made any big decisions yet, but I’m considering it. I did have to promise my dad today that I won’t do anything drastic as long as I’m still feeling like a hormonal mess (so what – just 8 more months on Lupron, right?!? I can totally go 8 months without making decisions!) but I’m meeting with the naturopathic practitioner in two weeks and I’m hoping that starting acupuncture will help me to clear my head and really focus on what I need to be happy right now. My dad did make a good point though; regardless of what I am doing, as long as I am on this drug there are going to be good days and not so good days. I need to keep that in mind when I start looking for places to blame my anxiety on – there may not always be a reason why I'm feeling down. If I start looking for places/people to blame, I may quickly find myself with no one and nothing left!
I am not this girl who gets upset so easily. I need to keep that in mind and continuously be reminding myself that my hormones are completely out of whack right now!
So yes, I blame the hormones.
But in blaming those hormones, I am finding myself looking to God and relying upon his unfailing love to get me through. And that, my dear friends, is what good old Beth Moore focused on in Breaking Free last week: the fact that His love endures.
(P.S. how was that for a segue? Stellar – huh!)
There were a couple things that stood out to me this week. It was neither a life changing week, nor one where I found myself wanting to throw my bible. It was just one of those weeks where things kind of clicked for me.
The basic premise was that the only person we can ever expect unfailing love from is God. We are all flawed as humans, and we all tend to hurt the ones we love. I am infamous for getting my panties in a bunch over something someone I care about has done, and just walking away. I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to let people hurt me, but sometimes I take that to an extreme. Sometimes my expectations are too high, and my inability to forgive too strong. I know this about myself. I know I have to cut people more slack. I tend to look at people with the thought process of “when are you going to hurt me?” as though I am waiting for it and ready to leap upon it when it happens. Sometimes I think I do the same thing with God. Sometimes I think I am waiting for him to let me down.
Basically, I attribute God like expectations to human beings, while humanizing God. I expect my friends and family to love me and support me without fail, and I expect God to let me down. How much sense does that make?
But his love endures.
I need to work on trusting in His love and in forgiving the failings of others.
After all, I am far from perfect and I have certainly hurt those who care about me. More times than I care to admit.
She went on to discuss how easily we tell others that God loves them, but how slow we are to admit he loves us. She had one sentence that stood out to me:
“I was sure everyone else wasn’t the mess deep inside that I was.”
Do you know how many times I wonder that? How many times I wonder, even on this path, if I am worthy of His love.
It’s silly to think that way. It’s silly to feel less deserving than anyone else, but some days I do struggle with that feeling that I am being punished, or that my future can’t possibly be bright because of the mistakes I have made.
Here is where Beth Moore slapped me across the face.
She was talking about those instances when you are faced with tragedy and you have no one to lean on; no one to help. She said it is our tendency to look at those instances and feel anger towards God, but in reality, would we have turned to God had someone else been there to offer false hope?
“Do you think we would ever acknowledge God as God alone if we didn’t experience crises when no one else could help?”
Crises where he was the only one we could rely on.
I’ve said this before, but I will repeat it here. Had the ex not disappeared after my last surgery, I would have sought all my solace in him. I would have curled up into him and allowed myself to disappear. I would have relied on him to put the pieces back together, and I would have remained broken. His disappearing and my being surrounded by friends I didn’t think could possibly understand how I was feeling almost left me with no other options. I walked into that church as a last ditch effort. I honestly didn’t know what else to do.
And I honestly wouldn’t have done it had I felt like I had anyone else who could hold me together.
There are those who would say I turned to church only because I was broken and lost, and that this is just an example of how religion takes advantage of the weak. I don’t agree. I am not weak. I am not feeble minded. I certainly have thoughts of my own, and God and I have a lot of long conversations sometimes where he and I just can’t meet eye to eye. But, I feel His love for me. I know he put me in a position where I would have to rely on him, because if he hadn’t I would have continued to turn my back; I would have continued to ignore his love and set myself up for less than what this life has destined for me.
I certainly would never have accepted his love for me or in me – I would have continued to attribute human failings to him, and would have had no expectations what so ever of him.
I know all of what has happened to me in the past few months is a testament to His love for me.
Much of this was wrapped up with 1 John 4:16:
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
I like the concept of this; that God is actually love, and that love is God. I prefer the love encompassed by faith, and while I know the condemnation is there as well, I prefer to live in the love.
So for now, even on my bad days, I am going to try to remind myself to bask in His love.
And to remind myself even further to spread the love rather than the hate.
ADSPACE
