I’ve been thinking a lot about healing lately; about the miracles attested to God involving the healing of someone’s physical body. The kind of healing that people are either all on board to talk about and praise or that they shrink back from and judge with cynicism and mistrust.
Is it OK if I admit that I fall somewhere in between those reactions?
I was ecstatic to make a new friend at church last week. I usually sit by myself, saying hello to the few people I know and then sitting back and admiring all the families that are surrounding me. I rarely even notice anyone else sitting by themselves. Last week though, I noticed a girl my age sitting alone and I went very outside of my comfort zone to go and sit next to her. We started talking, and I think I have a new church buddy!
Anyway, this week when my endo came up she told me that God had healed her of endo. She told me that doctors had told her that she was at the point of needing to get pregnant or have a hysterectomy, and that instead of either she had turned to God – because he was the best doctor there was.
And I was skeptical. She hasn't seen a doctor since and I actually found myself wondering if she has really been healed, or if she just has no idea what the state of her insides are and has simply learned to ignore the pain. I questioned whether God really wants us to be so irresponsible when it comes to our own healing. Whether He really wants us to walk away from medical healing and place it all in His hands - what if His healing is meant to come from the miracle of medicine?
Of course, I was also wondering what the chances were that my new friend would be someone who believes she has been miraculously healed of endo at a time when I have been having all these questions anyway. And it's not like medical interventions have done a whole lot of good for me. In fact, I have pretty much defied and mystified modern medicine.
It is not that I don’t believe that God is capable of healing – of course I believe He is. I believe that He is capable of miracles and wonders beyond anything anyone on this earth could ever imagine.
It’s just that I don’t understand the concept of healing at its simplest level. I don’t understand the “why”. If God wanted to heal, I do not understand why He would allow disease or injury to happen in the first place. If there is a lesson to be learned, I do not understand how that lesson is served in healing.
And sometimes I think people attribute healing where they shouldn’t.
Still, I have heard amazing stories. In my own congregation there is a little boy with a severe hand defect who miraculously was able to start moving his fingers during worship service a few months ago. His healing has not reverted back and his Doctors call the change nothing short of a miracle.
And I believe that healing was God.
I do not believe that God wants to heal me though, and maybe that is where my block to the idea comes in. When I first started hearing about miraculous healings, of course I prayed. Of course I begged to be healed and to have an end to this awful disease. Of course I wanted it to be possible.
And the answer I unequivocally believe I got was “No.”
I honestly believe that God told me "no". That He told me to suck it up and endure, because He has other plans for me.
When people tell me they want to pray for healing for me now, I want to tell them not to waste their time. I want to tell them that God doesn’t intend on healing me. I want to ask them to pray for strength and wisdom for me. I want to ask them to pray for the ability to persevere through the pain and recognize the lessons I am meant to learn.
But I don’t, because it would be rude to tell someone how to pray - especially someone who is asking to pray for me.
Still, I do not believe that God has healing in mind for me. I’m not angry over that, nor am I hurt that I don’t get to be one of the chosen few who gets to experience a miracle of that magnitude. In truth, I would much rather God heal someone who is suffering from something worse than I am before turning His attention to me. Not that there isn’t suffering to my endo because there is, but I am not deluded enough to believe that my suffering surpasses all else. I know I am far better off than many other people.
And I know God has lessons for me buried in all of this. I know there is a purpose beyond what I can understand.
I know healing is not in the works.
If we are being truthful, I have known from the moment this began that it would be a painful and often even crippling journey. Even before I had answers as to what was wrong, I have known that there would be no early exit and that I would have to fight this disease for a long time. I have known that I would continue to be a rare case, and while I have hoped for better; there has been a voice whispering in my ear that I should prepare for the worst.
Sometimes I think God speaks to us and we ignore it because we want to believe He has better planned for us. We want to believe He will pick us up and carry us through the challenges, but that isn’t a promise that was ever made. We were told there would be challenges we would have to endure on this earth – that it wouldn’t all be smooth sailing and happy times. I think God tries to prepare us for the hard times and warn us when they are coming, but if we are so busy asking him to heal us and get us through the hard times; we may not hear those warnings.
Further, I think part of me has always feared that I would never birth a child. Even before my struggle with endo, I think there was always a voice in my head telling me infertility was something I would have to deal with in my life. I think it is part of the reason I was so driven to donate my eggs; because part of me knew it was a struggle I too would have to endure. I felt for those women in a way maybe I shouldn’t have without knowing their struggles. I think it’s because I knew - I knew that one day I would understand. When I donated my eggs there were a battery of tests to assess my fertility, and I was actually fearful of the results. I had no reason to think anything would be wrong with me, but I was strangely relieved (and even surprised) when I was told that I was a perfect donor. Why would I have felt that way unless part of me knew that some day there would be issues?
Even now, I am wary of what the future holds as there is a voice in my head that is telling me to prepare myself for the fact that I will not be able to achieve a successful pregnancy. That voice has been there from the beginning. It has been there telling me that I may never have this dream. I also know that the same voice is urging me to try – to push forward and be able to say at the end that at least I did everything I could. I want to believe with all my heart that the voice is wrong (and I do pray often to God to allow me this one gift – not healing, but a baby growing and thriving inside of me), but sometimes I wonder if it isn’t preparing me. If it isn’t warning me not to get my hopes up too high, because there is still disappointment in my future.
I believe that God can heal, and I believe that He often does, but I also believe that sometimes we have to accept that we don’t always know what is best. Sometimes we have to understand that there are blessings even in the lowest of lows. There is a plan, and it isn’t for us to understand. I don’t often pray for healing for myself because… I don’t believe it is part of that plan. I hope that makes sense, and that I don’t come off sounding like a total loon! I would love healing. I would love to go to the doctor tomorrow and hear them gasp in shock as they see all signs of endo and scarring gone. I would love it, but that voice is telling me not to expect it.
Is that voice God? Warning me to prepare myself and be ready for the worst? Or is it my own psyche – telling me not to believe?
I want nothing more than to believe that there is a baby at the end of this journey for me, and I believe wholeheartedly that I am supposed to try – that God knows I need to try. I also believe that if I am not meant to conceive, I will not conceive. I hope (I pray) that God has the same outcome in mind that I do, but I often wonder about the voice in my head.
At the end of the day there are no guarantees and there will be many struggles in this life that we are not meant to understand. I am skeptical of healing because I wonder if it doesn’t discount the plan. I wonder if it doesn’t leave people wondering “why them and not me?” I wonder if people don’t get so caught up in the quest for healing, that they fail to see the overall lesson.
I do not know what the future holds, but I do know it is in God’s hands. I know that if I am not meant to conceive, I won’t. It pains me to even think of that, but I know it to be true.
I don’t know whether or not to trust the voice in my head that is telling me none of this is going to work. I’ve been pushing it to the back of my brain for so long now, that I’m beginning to wonder if it isn’t a warning I’m meant to heed.
I know I am supposed to try, and that there is hope in the trying, but I would be lying if I said there wasn’t part of me that didn’t think it was going to work. Just as there is part of me that doesn’t believe healing is in my future.
Is that God whispering in my ear, or something else entirely?
ADSPACE
